Win Free State Fair and Chinese Lantern Tickets

If you were to come to the D Magazine offices, and if you needed to void your bladder, and if you are a man, then this is the sight that would greet you in our downstairs bathroom. The bull shark that once used those choppers was caught by Bernie Kraft, a really cool guy who used to work here and was killed by cancer at far too young an age. That’s how we remember him, with a shark jaw above the urinal (and with a conference room and a biannual employee performance award named after him).

So then. Best caption wins four tickets to the State Fair and four passes to the Chinese Lantern Festival, which I hear is pretty cool. That’s $120 worth of tickets (Fair is $16, Lantern is $14). Contest ends at noon on Monday. Winner can either pick up the tickets at our downtown office, or I can mail them. But remember: the Fair ends October 21.


  • AK

    “The irony is that I could easily handle Tim without opening nearly this wide.”

  • Chris Dinsmore

    That gives new meaning to the phrase Potty Mouth.

  • ROJ

    Hit the Target, Win a prize!

  • Evan

    Kinda cool – a shark jaw trophy mounted above a urinal.

    Way cool – a shark jaw trough below a mounted urinal trophy.

  • “Choices, choices…”

  • “Hey, what’s happening?”
    “Oh, not much, jaws taking a leak.”

  • Behold, the new opening sequence for “Shark Tank”!

  • “You should see what’s hanging above the toilet.”

  • LO

    It’s funny how fish get larger when describing them to friends.

    I swear it was bigger than it looks!

    This fish wasn’t caught with that tiny worm.

  • bill h

    Rapists please use upper Urinal.

  • mynameisbill

    The not so glory hole.

  • Beck

    “Anyway, as you can imagine with Steve Irwin for a father, it was an non-traditional bris…”

  • Kim T

    Watch your aim!

  • Pete Falco

    All in the whole or else!

  • Anna

    D Magazine: pissing on sharks while pissing off the DMNews, since 1974

  • Stephanie Mires

    Well, that’s the WORST bait Jaws has ever seen!

  • Andrea P

    Sharky misses the sound of the ocean. Make Sharky happy and flush. He’s watching you.

  • Justin H

    Warning: Do not feed the fish!!!

  • T Jordan

    Watch your aim, could be fatal!

  • April

    He took the bait…

  • And the number one reason Tim Rogers pees like a girl, is………….

  • Bizarro Big Tex

    Doctor, I was at the urinal when this pair of shark jaws, complete with teeth, fell off a mounted wall plaque directly above me. Hence my visit to your urology clinic today. Why are you laughing? It is true. No, I have not been down on Harry Hines.

  • Mike McGee

    “We’re gonna need a bigger flush.”

  • RAB

    Jump this, bitch.

  • Amy S

    I vote RAB.

  • F James

    You’re gonna need a bigger boat!

    (Jaws 1975)

  • Elliott Zimmer

    Forget the damn shark! In this room – it’s the ZIPPERS that can kill you!

  • JMW

    No place for bull sh*t

  • Toni

    Don’t eat the mint.

  • ALL

    Open up and say “AHHHHHHHHHHH!”

  • niki gonzalez

    Nature’s calling.. Time for me to take a shark break..

  • Amber T

    Don’t worry these jaws didn’t come from that hole. Your manhood is safe from this urinal!

  • Pamela W

    Say hello to my little friend.

  • Gina K

    Bernie was here…

  • matt

    Jaws #1

  • Kristy Vaughn

    “Shark bait goes here”

  • Kristy Vaughn

    “Baiting” no longer required

  • Kristy Vaughn


  • Jenna Myhre

    I don’t always use a urinal when I pee, but when I do, I prefer to stare death in the face.

  • ernest t bass

    Welcome to The Linda Lovelace Memorial Urinal.

    Wick it … Wick it good.

  • ronald collins

    Stay vigal and dont let Cancer take a bite out of you

  • KM

    Be careful where you point that thing.

  • Gabe

    “Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men’s reality. Weird heroes and mould-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of ‘the rat race’ is not yet final.”
    –Hunter S. Thompson, The Great Shark Hunt, 1979

  • Penny Phillips

    Reminds me of an old girlfriend I had, she had teeth that felt just like those look!

  • Ren

    Did you know- sharks have two penises… feeling inferior right about now?

  • Bw

    It’s not how deep you fish, but how you wiggle your worm.

  • Amy

    Friends don’t let friends use the urinal at D Magazine!

  • Jenifer

    Fish are Friends, not Food. The mint isn’t food either.

  • mynameisbill

    It’s a secret portal to Jim Schutze’s desk.

  • Jennifer Wallace

    Quick! Name two things that consume a ton of crap?

  • Erica Salas

    In memory of Bernie Kraft, a great shark in the magazine business. Piss your respects and flush.

  • Bruce Kincaid

    ……. and I thought I had heard every wild fishing story

  • clark

    Honey I SWEAR I was at the office ALL DAY

    honestly though I think that Gabe wins

  • Natalie

    Use your worms wisely

  • Jeremy K

    Bathroom Procedures: Look down for number one. Look up for number two.

  • Nathan

    You thought this was bad… I would avoid the stall

  • Le

    … And that, kids, was how I got bit in the head by a shark

  • clark

    worst handjob ever

  • Ann L.

    “Ehh…. the sashimi wasn’t that fresh… D magazine recommend a great place down the street….”

  • Jordan

    Shy Bladder: Solved

  • Some pretty good submissions, folks (and some really bad ones). Our winner, by unanimous vote, is Chris Dinsmore: “That gives new meaning to the phrase Potty Mouth.” We’ll have some more tickets to give away this week. Stay tuned.

  • Chris Kraft

    I love that you are keeping the memory of my uncle Bernie alive…. employee recognition awards, urinal decorations, etc. He was a great man! Thank You!

    My suggested caption “Urine my way!”

    • @Chris Kraft: THAT is a good caption. Well done!

  • Kimberly Kraft-Casey

    WOW……only Bernie Kraft could keep his bull shark around for years! Could it be because he always was full of BS….oh sorry I mean Bull Shark! Miss him every day! He was a one wonderful man and one amazing loving father!!! Love and miss you daddy, Kimberly

  • Tuan N.

    Why couldn’t they just throw my ashes in the ocean, Bernie?!?!