Antony van Leeuwenhoek called them “wee beasties.” Using microscopes he himself built, the Dutchman was the first to discover bacteria and all manner of other teeny tiny organisms. It is surely one of Van Leeuwenhoek’s discoveries that is right now wreaking havoc in the lower reaches of my gastrointestinal tract. Confined to my house, I’m in the third day of a battle whose outcome remains far from certain. Decorum prevents me from sharing too many details, but I will tell you that great fecal geysers erupt from my bottom with the force and regularity of Old Faithful. I must hold tight to the toilet bowl during these outburts lest I be rocketed into the bathroom ceiling and knocked unconscious. Wait. Have I shared too much?
Per Rule 6.2, I am removing my jacket each time I visit the head. But the ship’s log will note that I am otherwise sailing these seas fully dressed. Thus concludes my report. You’ll understand if I don’t provide a photograph.
