When the promo for this week’s episode aired, I was far too distracted to absorb anything that might be coming our way. I barely noticed that kangaroo in a diaper. All I could see was Cary and Kameron arguing in some loud palm prints and I was disarmed. Disarmed by seeing these women in more conservative, breezy versions of J.Lo’s “the dress,” and even more thrown by seeing Kameron in green.
Now, if you had told me the reason for this attire was that Brandi designs resort wear under the label “Brandi Land” that she sells at her husband’s marinas (?) and occasionally in pop-ups around Dallas, I guess I’d believe that. And if you had told me that Cary and Kam’s fight would end up being predominately about fingers, and more specifically, the placement of them in conjunction to the face, I guess I’d believe that too. Why not, right?
Drop it low girl #RHOD pic.twitter.com/sOmWCTiQwI
— Cary Deuber (@CaryDeuber) September 27, 2018
But that’s not the most important part of the episode. Actually, it’s sort of up for debate what was most important this week. This one wasn’t exactly a humdinger. But for me, it was the reveal of Stephanie’s simply insane bathroom, which Bravo blessedly itemized with chyrons. To recap: there’s a glass wall with an automatic shade that cost $60,000. Then there’s this space with a fireplace, a couch, and a $45,000 hot tub. Then you have a $40,000 steam room, a 40-square-foot shower, and most importantly, one of those $10,000 toilets I believe you can get at the Kohler Signature Store. So this whole bathroom cost at least $155,000 (but probably way more). Take that, Lisa Vanderpump. A mini pony is no match for a $10K toilet.
Stephanie decides to host a spa party in that bathroom (can you imagine comfortably hosting five women in your bathroom?), especially after the awkward events of the “smash party.” Brandi comes over so the two can host an audition for male models, which mostly consists of the women asking the men to feed them grapes and take their shirts off (just some gentle sexual harassment there). Trey, Stephanie’s assistant and one of the many unsung heroes of the franchise, is also there. A very skinny man with Hilary Duff-level veneers arrives to audition, and though he can’t compete with the beefy bros we’ve already seen, he does bring a kangaroo in a diaper, resulting in Stephanie promptly losing her damn mind. THEY HIRE THEM ALL.
Then we arrive with LeeAnne for a photoshoot in a very scary looking warehouse, presumably over by Love Field where those weird warehouse photoshoots are so often held, and she has THE DRESS. Not the J.Lo dress, but that versatile dress she designed(?) that I truly do not hate. Now, when we were first introduced to this dress, I thought Bravo’s clever editors made it look like there were 175 ways to wear this dress as a joke, but no. This dress can actually be worn 175 different ways, and bless the hearts of everyone involved in this photoshoot, they have to photograph all of those ways. Woof. I’d buy that dress though.
Kam shows up to the shoot in one of those BMWs with butterfly doors wearing the exact Veronica Beard track pants I want but in pink and I’m deeply jealous of Kam in this moment. She declares Cary a fickle friend, but she’s impressed by LeeAnne’s dress. She says that both she and LeeAnne are visionaries who have chosen adventurous products to develop. Can’t argue with that!
Now we’re in Brandi Land, which is not, in fact, the stuff of my nightmares, but a pop-up where Brandi is selling resort-style loungewear. Kam arrives and is impressed once again! Kam supports women in business!
Two things happen in Brandi Land. The first is the aforementioned finger fight, which, in addition to digit etiquette, is about Kam feeling that Cary doesn’t stand up for her. Cary assures her that’s not true by telling her that she stopped Brandi from pranking Kam with Stressticles in Beaver Creek. This will come back to haunt Cary, just as the image of Brandi squeezing those Stressticles came back to haunt my dreams last night.
The second is an ITM where D’Andra — pardon my French — is one shady bitch. So shady, in fact, that I had to rewind and replay just to take in the exquisite pettiness of it all. Girl got herself a little unicorn piggy bank to represent her $200 because I guess she’s never heard the phrase “the lady doth protest too much.” Then she says that LeeAnne must have taken $4 out of it to buy her hair extensions from China. WOAH. Hair extension burns are a very particular kind if burn.
It’s spa party time and Stephanie wants all the women to feel like “horny queens.” This is the only party this season I would actually want to go to. I do wonder what these men waving monstera leaves are getting paid though. And what’s the day rate for a kangaroo? (Also, to answer LeeAnne’s question, you can own one in Dallas with the proper permit, but she’s not wrong to be concerned over legalities.)
Cary and Brandi go get manicures while LeeAnne and Stephanie get massages. Cary and Brandi do, in fact, have a very mature conversation about balls. Brandi is hurt that Cary didn’t give her credit for deciding not to give those Stressticles to Kam on her own, consequently perpetuating Kam’s assertion that she’s a “bad influence.” That’s fair. On the LeeAnne and Stephanie side, LeeAnne says that Kam totally accepts Brandi, but that Brandi judges Kam. Hm. Smash cut to the manicure side, where Brandi tells Cary she thinks that Kam is a puppet for LeeAnne. Cary hears this and gets stressed out (and a much better ITM look) because she knows she simply must tell Kam and LeeAnne about this. I mean, she doesn’t, but whatever.
We conclude this episode with Kam and Court recapping the Global Pet Expo, a real expo that was covered by the same host wearing the same shirt two years in a row. (Exhibit A & B.) Court continues to guilt Kam for not deciding to be a stay-at-home mom, and Kam delivers this speech: “The Westcott family is known for being extremely conservative. The women stay at home, and they are catering to the children. That’s not the modern mom. Women are CEOs of companies. Women are running these businesses. And they’re mothers and they’re doing it all. Court needs to get out of that stereotype and realize this is the modern world.”
Maybe I’m just in a state because Dr. Ford is testifying at the Kavanaugh hearing this morning, but damn it, I want Sparkle Dog to succeed. I want it to succeed so badly just to stick it to the Courts of the world. It’s possible that this whole my-husband-doesn’t-support-my-dreams thing is a clever act by Kam and Court to sell more Sparkle Dog, but I don’t care. I’ll totally buy Sparkle Dog. I don’t even have a dog.
See you next week. #JusticeForSparkleDog.
