Can we talk about how ridiculous it was to split that Two-On-One™ into two nights? Thanks to Rachel’s no-nonsense attitude and Lee’s act of lying like there’s no tomorrow or multiple cameras capturing footage that will eventually expose his lies on national television, this dumb date was over as quickly as it began. Lee presumably returned to his pod from Cabin in the Woods, where he can only be summoned again if someone runs their hand over his janky carving in a basement and whispers “Enchanted.”
One good thing: Rachel’s copter commentary when Kenny goes back to talk to Lee. “This is so stupid; you’re still giving him attention.” Yes.
At this point in the game, it’s not looking super promising for “Pretty Boy Pitbull” Kenny winning it all, but after that heart-wrenchingly sweet phone call with his beautiful, beautiful daughter, women are going to be alllllll over that man. Don’t cry for Kenny, y’all.
Rose Ceremony™ time. Kenny, Bryan, Will, Dean, Eric, Peter (working that scarf!), Alex, Adam, and Matt (??) get roses, while Josiah and Anthony get sent home. Josiah is as petty as a recently dumped girl at a Villa O Sunday brunch. “Clearly there’s something wrong with her brain. I loooove Adam, but like, I’m so much better than Adam, right?” Anthony leaves as classily and as silent as he came.
The group heads to Denmark, where I guess Shakespeare was inspired to write Hamlet? (Shakespeare’s most romantic play!) Eric and Rachel go on their One-On-One™ and it’s nice. They go on a super cute little boat, talk about how many kids they want (Eric wants ten?!) and get flashed by an old man. They’re both “Cool Squares!” To me, Eric always seems like he’s on the verge of falling asleep, but the heart wants what it wants, I guess.
Back at the hotel, we find out that Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam are going on a Group Date™ and my one true love Will is getting a One-On-One™. Said Group Date™ finds said bros in a setup that looks pretty similar to Emily Maynard’s Brave-inspired date (remember Pixar’s rushed attempt to do feminism?) and is just about as exciting. Peter makes his Viking outfit sexy because he’s Peter. Kenny wins, and I’m so glad, but for what has to be the seventh year in a row I am once again by ABC’s promos into thinking bloodshed is drama when in fact it’s just some bad refereeing by two adorable older gents named Tom and Morton.
I need a subscription for Viking Magazine…but only if it features Tom and Morton #TheBachelorette
— Rachel Lindsay (@TheRachLindsay) June 28, 2017
The way Rachel handles herself at the cocktail hour is so aspirational. When she just gestures with her hand to Adam to make out with her… teach a class, girl. She also sets Kenny free and everybody wins in that scenario. “If McKenzie grew up to be like Rachel, then I know I did my job.” Sobbing.
Peter gets the Group Date Rose™ because he’s Peter.
Tonight on #TheBachelorette. Peter is quite the pick up artist…literally! pic.twitter.com/g94KPgjd1U
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 28, 2017
It’s time for Will’s One-On-One™ in Helsingborg, Sweden, but Rachel’s not getting the Va Va Voom. (Oh no…) They stand silently on some balcony and the only physical contact happening is some fifth-grade-level hand holding. (No no no.) At dinner, Will says he always has intense chemistry with girlfriends past, who were predominantly white, and Rachel thinks he must not be into her. (Oh NO.) She thoughtfully but swiftly sends him home. (UGH.)
(I know the rules of this show demand that any Bachelor or Bachelorette hopeful have a tearful and likable monologue in their “Exit Limo Scene™,” and the sweater-rocking, book-loving Will got no such situation, but I’m still going to hold out hope. #WillForBachelor #WhereTheresAWILLTheresAWay.)
On a more serious note, the Will/Rachel date brought out some of the first truly interesting conversations about race and relationships. (Only took six episodes!) Rachel tells Will that she’s mostly dated black men (though she’s clearly “open to everyone”) when he tells her about his dating history. Back at the house, Eric shares that tidbit about Will with the bros, and thinks that he needs to tell Rachel that he’s mostly dated white girls, which totally flusters Dean, who admits that he’s never dated a black girl before. Eric thinks it’s important for Will to discuss it because they’re both black. Peter just wonders if Will is attracted to black women at all. I’m not here to comment on anyone’s opinions, but this honest exchange between a bunch of likable dudes was so much more interesting than anything related to Lee. See, ABC. Putting a racist guy on The Bachelorette wasn’t the only way to discuss race on The Bachelorette.
Rachel returns to Denmark for what she claims to be her hardest Rose Ceremony™ yet, and sends Alex home. Really? Alex was your hardest goodbye?!
Until July!
