A fictional character from a 90s movie once pondered, “I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be ’whelmed?” Yes. Absolutely you can. And not just in Europe.
I say this with conviction because of the utter state of ’whelm I experienced last night. Not with our girl Rachel Lindsay, of course. That sparkly unicorn princess was charming as ever as she twirled around the two-hour parking signs at West Village. Not even a faux lawyer scene could lessen my love for that poised Dallasite and raven-haired sunfish.
No, I’m talking about the bros that have come to win our noble land-mermaid’s heart. Perhaps it was the first-night edit, which too heavily favored walking-SNL-skit-cut-for-time Lucas (“Whaboom guy”) over the real men, like Kenny or Will (more on that later). Or maybe the ever increasing potential for a lucrative social media career post-Bachelor/ette has turned this show’s contestants into nothing more than rising Instagram stars, who care far less about finding real, authentic love than selling t-shirts. Only time will tell! For now, we just have a lot of uncomfortable videos, introductions, and a rejected character from the 2004 comedy Anchorman to dig into. Plus, Rachel is officially engaged to one of these dudes, so let’s do it.
As always, Rachel talking about life and love was a pleasure to watch. Rachel’s poise and charm knows no bounds. She even manages to make a deeply contrived scenario involving some nosy older gals seem cute. Every dress she tries on looks stellar. We also get to meet her dog, Copper. There better be more Copper.
Then it’s time to meet the brotestants. First, there’s Kenny, who created a real whiplash of an intro video by swiftly moving from wrestling scenes to displaying his devoted dad status. Next up, Jack Stone from Dallas, who I now refuse to ever reference without using his first and last name. (Also, someone enlighten me on tightknit-ness of the lawyer community in Dallas. How have Rach and Jack Stone not already met at some happy hour?) Other highlights include a “meathead nerd,” an aspiring drummer who literally could not stop talking about sex, human-equivalent-of-a-Hummer-H3 Lucas, and finally, Josiah, whose charisma was as solid as his backstory was tragic.
Next, in keeping with all of ABC’s unnecessary efforts to shake things up surrounding Rachel’s season, our new Bachelorette is greeted by her actual friends from last season (including a champagne-less Corinne and a freshly balayaged Kristina!) instead of a coven of wisdom-imparting former Bachelorettes she’s probably never met before. This works for me. The girls get emotional talking about Rachel’s awesomeness. Raven reminds her to “just fall.” I’m a glass of wine deep and I’m feeling things. But the lady love fest can’t last for long. There are brotestants to meet.
Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of The Bachelor/ette to know you need to pay attention to the first one out of the limo. Peter and his beautiful, beautiful face further proved that point. Josiah followed, and boys got lawyer dad jokes. (“See you later litigator.”) Diggy deploys a horribly lazy pun. Male model Brady literally breaks the ice, and somewhere Britney Spears does this. Will did an Urkle impression and, y’all, I didn’t hate it.
Then there’s another Dallas dude named Fred. Apparently, Fred was a camper who always held a candle for his counselor, Rachel. Fred was also a “very bad kid,” but not in a sexy way, of course. Fred was hella intense, and I’m not sure if this is cute, romantic, or the beginning of a kind weird, psychological thriller J Lo would star in. I guess we’ll see?
Then the B-Squad limo arrives with all the dudes ABC has already trotted out on various talk shows. Whitney mentioned earlier that DeMario’s intentions might not be pure, but I don’t think it matters, because DeMario is, to borrow my colleague Alex’s word, a Grade-A goober. The freaking “Tickle Monster” arrives, and shocker, he tickles her. (Rachel is wonderful and polite so she allows this utter nonsense to happen to her.) There’s an intensely stereotypical Nashville guy, and a man named Adam who brings a doll that even Southern Charm’s Cam would be freaked out by. Whaboom man finally appears and this time he has a megaphone and a muscle tee with his catchphrase. At least Corrinne tried to be subtle with her self-branding at first.
Rachel says it’s raining men. I guess.
Guys, I’m not going to lie. I was onto my third glass of wine when we finally got to the cocktail party (I’m out of practice with these epic, stamina-challenging episodes ABC thrusts upon us), but I’m pretty sure nothing too exciting happens during this part. Adam’s doll transforms into an existential French man à la this cat. Josiah falls from grace into an all-consuming cloud of cockiness that not even his super fly suit can save him from. (We were all rooting for you, Josiah!) Chiropractor Bryan puts his face onto Rachel’s face and it doesn’t look great, but he gets the First Impression Rose™ so maybe editing can be deceiving? Living-and-breathing-man-version-of-a-Red Bull Lucas claims that everyone has some Whaboom in them. I can safely say I do not. Kenny is lovely.
Peter, Will, Jack Stone, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Tickle Me Elmo, Brice, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Penguin Dude, Anthony (who?), Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred the Camper, Adam, Blake E., and, inexplicably, probably-owns-like-ten-fedoras Lucas get roses. Rejection burns like the 6am sun that greets these discarded men.
Until next week!
Stray Observations
Sent-home Milton bemoans the fact that he bought a bunch of outfits that he didn’t get to wear and I respect that.
Rachel further solidifies her perfect-human status not only by rocking a chic fur stole in what must have been early Los Angeles spring, but also by using the word “humble” correctly.
I’m calling it. Will is going to win Rachel’s heart. He is tall, funny, and handsome in an unassuming way. He is a dark horse. He is the Catherine Guidici of Rachel’s season. More Will and more Copper, please!
