Either I’m suffering from Stockholm Syndrome or my captors are producing better shows. Either way, I will tell you that this episode caused me to laugh out loud twice. Could I convince you to maybe take a break from Mad Men and watch it with me next week, and then tell me if I’m wrong? Didn’t think so.
This week, the sign over at Hillside is somewhat of a mystery. It reads, “??? is divine.” What could it mean? You’re thinking: “God is divine,” right? Wrong. Same for those voting “REM is divine.” The answer here is “Sex is divine.” Pastor Tudor challenges the adults in committed relationships to have sex every single day for a week. “Let’s see what happens,” he says.
What led to this missive? The good pastor says he was inspired by Amanda, who is now employed as his secretary. First the matron of honor thing, and now this? Poor Sharon.
While everyone in town is having sex like mad, Cricket and Blake interview surrogates. “I’m not in a position to give up alcohol and sushi,” Cricket explains when the interviewee expresses sympathy about their inability to conceive. All goes well until Cricket and Blake find out that their candidate took a year off between Hockaday and SMU to volunteer for Obama’s campaign. Horrified, Blake muses that they might have to look outside Texas for a proper surrogate. Cricket refuses to even consider the very idea. And then he has a thought: “There’s only one woman who is qualified to birth the baby,” he says. “Taylor Swift is not from Texas,” Cricket replies. But of course he’s talking about Cricket. He wants to have a baby the old fashioned way.
This eventually leads to the funniest scene of the season. Blake likes foremen. Cricket likes pilates instructors. The two haven’t been intimate in a long time—maybe since their daughter Alexandra was conceived. They’re having trouble making the magic happen in the bedroom. They laugh too much, they make one another uncomfortable. The sports analogies they’re using aren’t making things any easier. So Blake gets some Chinese supplements that are supposed to kick up the sexy. “Let’s take these babies to make us some babies,” Cricket says. The two down the pills. Cut to two incredibly sweaty, wasted people who are freaking out and dying of thirst. It’s like bad MDMA without the glow sticks. “I need to drink the Gulf of Mexico!” Cricket yells. “I do not feel sexy!” Needless to say, no babies are made on this occasion.
Eventually, the two do get hot and bothered while watching—and quoting—Spartacus. So that’s something to keep in mind.
Pills are not necessary over at Sharon and Zac’s house, although porn is helpful. Sharon is feeling hot after losing five pounds by taking her dietary cues from the Bible. (Her husband says, “Sharon, you might be on to something. I don’t recall any fat people in the Bible.”) So thanks to the weight loss and Pastor Tudor’s directive, Sharon is ready for some action. Unfortunately, Zac’s been a little down. Business hasn’t been so great at the dealership—in fact much of his business has been poached by a former Houston Texan. In his free time, he’s been watching a lot of porn though, so when he does finally get down to business, he’s picked up a few tricks. Sharon is especially appreciative of the moves he gleaned from Romancing the Bone, and soon the couple is having sex on the kitchen floor, in the back of the car (with Ace of Base playing), and anywhere else they can find. They’re also communicating better—Zac is able to come clean about how bad things are financially, and Sharon is able to dress up in costumes. They’re also able to to come up with a Bible-based diet called “Losin’ It with Jesus” that they plan to mass market.
With the exception of that one week a few episodes back, the Cockburns have always had a healthy sex life. They don’t really need Pastor Tudor’s advice. Instead, Carlene turns her attention to the kids of the congregation—especially after seeing a sexy look exchanged between her son and Amanda’s daughter. To help prevent another episode of Teen Mom, Carlene creates Purity Pioneers. All the kids wear white and help create “Heck House”—a fair designed to scare the heck out of kids about the dangers of sex. For example, Sharon’s kid comes dressed as gonorrhea. (It’s the “silent killer,” so he has a slice of duct tape covering his mouth.) It seems the fear tactics are for naught: Amanda finds her daughter and Landry making out behind a curtain.
Carlene is heartbroken that her abstinence program has failed. Amanda is heartbroken that her daughter won’t talk to her about sex. The two decide to join forces. It seems that at one time, before Carlene liked herself, she looked to boys for approval. The lacrosse team even nicknamed her the “Oval Office.” Anyway, she agrees to talk to Amanda’s daughter about the stuff she did behind the bleachers, the time she learned that it takes, “two hands to handle a Whopper,” and finally says, “I don’t have a daughter, Laura, but if I did…Honey, you don’t want a boy like Landry to dump you when he’s done with you.” (I’d also suggest she have a talk with Landry and tell him not to be that boy, but whatever.)
At the same time, Amanda—handling a rifle—tells Landry the sad story of her husband’s life: He went from football captain to teen dad to business cheat to marriage cheat who lost his private parts during an unfortunate—and deadly—car crash. The kid is horrified. As he leaves the house, he and Laura shake hands and part ways.
As for Amanda’s sex life, she and Luke are taking it slowly. It turns out that she has only had sex with but one man—her late husband. Surprised? So is Carlene. “I guess I misjudged you,” she says. “Maybe it’s the way you dress.” Anyway, she’s scared to start that business with someone new. So when Luke returns from Austin (he finally went back!) and gets a room at the Ritz, Amanda arrives with trepidation. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” she says. To her delight, Luke says he will wait as long as she needs.
They have sex.
The only person not getting any action this episode is poor Gigi. Even though Burl has proposed, he doesn’t think they should be engaging in premarital acts—especially since she hasn’t even given him a proper answer yet. Gigi’s not sure she wants to get married (“I have been not married as long as I have been married,” she says. “I like not married just fine.”), but she knows she wants to have sex. “I don’t even buy a car without a test drive. Especially a stick shift,” she reports. So she decides that she will seduce Burl, have some hanky panky, and figure out the marriage thing later.
So Gigi takes down her severe updo, gets herself some soft curls, dons her finest lingerie, and invites Burl over. He resists at first—the dude really wants to get married. (Poor Bitsy.) But finally he gives in to Gigi’s charms. (Annie Potts really did look pretty, didn’t she?) As he walks up the stairs, he collapses.
Gigi hides the body, makes a snack, and turns on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Okay, not really. Burl is not dead! His pacemaker was just a little off. But Gigi is overcome by guilt and pity, so she accepts his proposal as soon as possible. Not so fast, Burl says. He does not want her pity. “How can I trust you?” he asks. “The proposal is off the table.”
Burl is one stubborn man. He holds his ground for the next 2.5 minutes of the episode. In the end though, he is no match for Gigi. She apologizes for hurting his pride, and she tells him she loves him. She wants him to re-propose “because I know the perfect thing when I see it.”
“Fine,” he answers. “I returned the ring.”
“Fine,” she counters. “We’ll go up a carat.”
And they all live happily ever after until next week.
