My NBA Lockout Plans

Even though, if there wasn’t a lockout, the NBA would just be in its normal offseason right now, I’m still a bit panicked that there isn’t going to be a 2011-12 season. No one seems to be in any sort of rush to get this resolved. Players are making plans to play overseas; owners are doing, well, I don’t know exactly, but certainly not much to get this thing back on track. So I’m worried. The NBA is it for me. I’ve said this many times. Here are the sports I care about, in order:


Real World/Road Rules Challenge, or simply The Challenge, these days

Premier League (though the team I follow, Everton, is mediocre at best)

MLB (and I’d admit to be a complete bandwagoner)

NFL, if I’m doing nothing else and I’ve had a few

I’m facing, then, a bit of a bleak future, filled with 1-nil losses to teams theoretically worse and little else. I’ve got a few-part plan to deal.

1. Cry

2. Drink

[NOTE: I’m about chest deep in the first two phases of this plan, for lockout-related reasons probably]

3. Use spirit guide to have insanely detailed dreams depicting a working NBA, exactly the same as the one I remember except now featuring a gritty, scruffy, left-handed backup point guard who is me.

4. Invent new sport that is a cross between basketball, soccer, muy thai boxing, checkers, and UIL ready writing contests. This sport is called Kevin for reasons that escape me now.

5. After winning three consecutive National League of Kevin Enthusiasts and Semi-Amateur Players Association championships — the final one on a last-second essay about the death penalty that owned — I leave the sport. My number ∞∞ is retired. Obviously.

6. Enroll in law school. Special focus on labor law.

7. Graduate. Take a job with a small Memphis law firm.

8. Realize the law firm — or The Firm, as legal documents will later refer to it — is heavily involved with the Mafia.

9. Work on convoluted plan to take down The Firm. Hard to explain but one version involves me making a lot of photo copies and the other version I can’t remember because that movie really goes off the rails after a while.

10. Remember I went to law school to help solve this NBA lockout thing. Do so, after one meeting and an absolutely NAILS version of this speech.

11. Watch basketball.


Get a weekly recap in your inbox every Sunday of our best stories from the week plus a primer for the days ahead.

Find It

Search our directories for...









View All

View All