Humor

22 Suggested 2017 Resolutions for Dallas Notables

For starters: Mark Cuban, don't wear your dad jeans and Mavs shirsey to the inauguration.

Tony Romo, NFL quarterback: Don’t try to hang on too long with the Cardinals. You’re a millionaire, and you’ve got a beautiful wife and a great big new house. Enjoy life!

Clarice Tinsley, Fox 4 anchor: Stop reading Facebook to television viewers. Unless you’re going to start reading your DMs.

Lee Kleinman, Dallas city councilman: Develop a better awareness of the robotic cameras in Transportation Committee meetings so as to avoid getting caught f-bombing colleagues. 

Kent Rathbun, chef and restaurateur: No more Facebook Live videos from hospital beds when you’re on morphine.

LeeAnne Locken, Real Housewives of Dallas star: Stop bugging Rich Emberlin to marry you.

Robert Wilonsky, Dallas Morning News city columnist: Stop being the human equivalent of “First!”

Mike Wilson, Dallas Morning News editor: Do your job and tell Wilonsky to do the real work and leave the breaking news to cub reporters.

Seth Curry, Mavericks guard: Please be patient with us as we struggle to remember that your first name isn’t Steph.

Michael J. Mooney, magazine writer: Don’t jinx Dirk with any Texas Monthly cover stories. Or Adrián Beltré.

Carolyn King Arnold, Dallas city councilwoman: Ask someone to explain what a council person can and can’t do.

Dallas Stars, NHL team: Don’t get upset. We will all remember that Dallas has a professional hockey team as soon as the Cowboys are done playing. Unless the Cowboys [lowers voice to a whisper just above the absolute threshold of hearing] [panics, decides to just mouth it] win the Super Bowl. Then no one will remember anything for months, possibly years, maybe a decade or two.

Dr. Agustín Arteaga, new Dallas Museum of Art director: Finally remove the portrait of Max Anderson that the former museum director had cemented into the tiling of the museum’s executive washroom. Also, convert Anderson’s executive washroom back into a functioning gallery.

Bruno Davaillon, chef and restaurateur: Don’t screw up Bullion, your new joint. No Southern fried chicken. Nothing served in a skillet. But, sure, okay, one Ferris wheel couldn’t hurt.

Ben Fountain, author: When you write your next great novel, don’t sell the movie rights to someone who wants to use lasers and dilithium crystals to make an experimental picture that will confuse everyone.

Mark Cuban, Mavericks owner: Don’t wear your dad jeans and a Mavs shirsey to the inauguration.

Jonathan Martin, president and CEO of the Dallas Symphony: Put the finishing touches on the Jaap van Zweden robot you’ve been working on so that when the musical director departs for the New York Philharmonic, no one will notice he’s been replaced by a new host.

Philip Kingston, Dallas city councilman: Apply sunscreen. Thin skin burns easily.

JoJo Fletcher, Bachelorette star: Please, please, please, please follow through and get married to Jordan this year, like you promised, so that we can rub it in our friends’ faces who’ve been telling us all along that you guys aren’t for real. Because we totally know you are for real.

Monica Alonzo, Dallas city councilwoman: Learn to speak, because when Mike Rawlings steps down early, you’ll be mayor at—oh, my God. Monica Alonzo is going to be mayor. Are you kidding? Oh, man. Great. Just … great.

Angela Hunt, lawyer and Lakewood Advocate columnist: Run for mayor. Please.

Robert Jeffress, First Baptist pastor: Stop making racist, anti-gay, Islamophobic, hateful, inflammatory, self-aggrandizing, dumb remarks on Fox News. Also, buy a suit that fits.

Comments

  • RAB

    Thin skin? Try thin legs. Dude needs to do some squats and donkey toe raises.

  • Angela Hunt for Mayor; soon! Yes indeed. But, though pretty much any Mayor would be sharper than our newly elected President; Angela Hunt would make the gap between them truly monumental; or, yuuuge!