John Stonehill is a R.D.E. For all of the unhip folks who still say “chillax” and “ridonkulous,” R.D.E. stands for refrigerator dating expert. Stonehill runs ChecktheirFridge.com, a dating website that offers advice based on what a person stores in their fridge. Once he analyzes the contents of your fridge, he posts a Fridge Dating Scorecard which details specifics such as the likelihood of “getting shagged” on a first date or if you have a “banging body.” His rated-R-for-language shtick includes detecting the “bunny burner quotient” of a woman. His dating tips will help “get the hot sex you deserve.” He launched the site a little over three months ago and has attracted national attention and emails from curious daters.
Ridonkulous? I think there is some merit to his business plan. I once dated a meticulous meterosexual who required every item removed from his fridge to be placed back in the same spot. I swear he got up in the middle of the night with a ruler and realigned his gourmet goodies into perfect order. Eventually, he married a like-minded wench. Now they chillax in perfect harmony.
Since I’m a single girl with a refrigerator and a blank dance card, I decided to make an appointment with Stonehill. How many chances does one get to locate a man who, like me, has gin and live meal worms in his fridge?
Our schedules prohibited a home visit, so I sent 27 images of my refrigerator. He came to my office where we met for a one-hour session. I was accompanied by my trusty sidekick, Carol Shih.
Stonehill started the session by enlightening us on how he came up with the idea. Short version: on a first date with a gal, he opened her fridge to find it “smelled like s**t.” He told her so and she kicked him out. Before he pushed the elevator button, mad chick opened the door and asked him to return. “Within thirty seconds of walking back into that apartment, I was sitting on her love seat with my pants around my ankles,” he says. (Sordid details here.) They had angry sex for three months.
I do not know if Stonehill was being courteous or if he is full of house-cured Lebanese bologna, but he only criticized me for hosting a plastic bottle of French’s mustard.
Here are Stonehill’s observations. My responses follow in parentheses.
Stonehill: Your refrigerator is what I term “Kinda Awesome.” The first thing I look at is the low-hanging fruit such as income. The model of your fridge shows that you are financially independent and own a house. The reality is that if you are financially independent, it makes dating easier for you. (Full disclosure: I bought it wholesale and there is a ding on the bottom right side which, to me, makes it “Awesome.”)
Stonehill: Chaos in the fridge usually means chaos in life. Yours is organized and clean. You must have a maid. Your fridge is about guests. You are a great host. You have multiple beer brands, and types of liquor (gin, vodka, sake, wine), and Q Tonic–all are good dating amo. You have something for everyone. You have hors d’oeuvres on hand in case someone drops by and munchies for in the morning. It’s fun and perfect for a fun night. I hear George Clooney’s fridge is like this. (Honestly, the beers were purchased for my brother and brother-in-law. The rest is for me. The chance of anyone dropping by my house, must less to spend the night, is nil. The only exception would be my four-year old nephew (hence, the French’s). Negative on the maid. Feel free to send my pics to Clooney. Or his dad.)
Stonehill: You have upscale name brands. Well, except the mustard. I always say if you can’t afford Hellman’s or Heinz, then move back in with your parents. You are willing to buy quality. If you have two people in a relationship and one that fights over buying brands, then you won’t make it as a couple. Your brands are more Vanity Fair than US Weekly. Your fridge says you are well read and conscious of higher-end publications. (Dude, look around. We are sitting in Wick Allison’s office. However, I totally agree on the Hellman’s. Miracle Whip is for sissies.)
Stonehill: Organic products show you are politically and ecologically involved. You make buying decisions that support local jobs. (How is that related to my sex life?)
Stonehill: I don’t want to be crass, but your refrigerator shows you are a woman with a bend-overable body. (No, Stonehill is not blind. He is clearly looking for publicity. And I’m taking the bait.)
Stonehill: You have a s**tload of fruits and vegetables, a pristine farmers market in here. They aren’t wrapped in plastic so you eat them fast. The only thing that scares me is the size and shape of that cucumber. (No comment.)
Stonehill: I look at your fridge and see one saucy set. And now that I see you, you’re cute. You take care of yourself. You are fueling those workouts. I tell people not to look at your date’s mom and dad to see how they will look in 20 years; I say check out their fridge. If they are eating s**t now, they will look like s**t later. (Saucy set? Workouts? Cute? I don’t have 20 years.)
Stonehill: You are a woman who drinks, eats meat, and has fun foods like regular Coke. That is sexy and very bangable. You have the perfect Big Four for a barbecue: relish, tomato, mustard, ketchup. A woman who loves meat is sexy. I’d say the same to a vegan who is passionate about what they eat. Men and women sharing food is sexy. But if you deny yourself the joy of food, you are not bangable. (Spot. On.)
Stonehill: You’re a foodie. You have wild blueberry jam, artisanal foods without price tags. You have food you can’t get at the local market that you bring food home from your travels. Pairing well-travelled people together makes great dates. I always say couples should plan a weekend getaway 4-6 weeks after first date. (I am NOT a f**die. Just point to the ingredient that insures a FIRST date so I can get him to Petite St. Vincent before February.)
Stonehill: You know you can’t test drive a date for too long. You either have to sign the lease or trade them in. As you get older, the leases get shorter. (Wait, how did this turn into Car Talk? A lease? What about daily rates?)
Stonehill: Last thing: smell. I don’t hear the ding, ding, ding of the Bunny Boiler bell. You are not crazy. You have organic chocolate chip morsels and the idea that a guy could walk into your house and smell these baking makes you very shagable. Great move on your part. (Ding, ding, ding. I’ve had that chocolate in my fridge for years. The expiration date is April 2014. Time’s a wastin’, sailors.)
