LeeAnne Locken

For the past week, my family and I haven't been able to live in our house, which was, as you know from my Episode 3 recap, flooded by a burst washing machine supply hose. We moved back in yesterday, and what should I find waiting in the mailbox? Our new property appraisal, up by a shockingly unfair amount. Not your problem! All you want is your recap. A friend of mine gave birth last night. I was texting her husband during her labor, seeing if Mom was doing okay. "She's fine," he said, "and she's anxiously awaiting your Real Housewives of Dallas recap tomorrow." It's more important than childbirth! So let's tackle Episode 4, "Mouth of the South."

The reality TV star opens up about the behind-the-scenes drama.

Once again, my personal problems are of no concern to you. How bored would you be by the story of my house being flooded by a burst washing machine supply hose? What do you care about my hardwoods and the army of fans deployed throughout my house, making an infernal racket, forcing me to turn up the volume on my TV to watch The Real Housewives of Dallas to the point where my wife had trouble hearing the insurance adjuster on the phone? All you care about is the recap. I understand. I am here to satisfy you -- much like the cowboy ecdysiasts at LaBare that we meet in Episode 3, titled "Making Frenemies."