From humidity to thundersleet, Dallas has a variety of hair enemies coming for your glam squad’s blowout. Follow this guidance, and your Dallas hair forecast will be sunny with a 100 percent chance of great hair days.
January
New Year, New You! JK, do the same hair as always. Nobody wants to see you mess up again. Your real friends will never forget the baby bangs of 1995.
February
Cupid’s on the way! Get the glam squad* ready. *Glam Squad (n.) 1) a group of professional hair stylists and makeup artists who complete every step of hair maintenance and floofing for you; 2) a middle-aged woman, a glass of wine, and her two or more cats. She simply removes her glasses while doing her hair and makeup, so everything has that DIY soft-focus filter on it.)
March
Dye your hair red. Or green. Just not both. That’s for December.
April
Walk around downtown Dallas in April, and every time you turn a corner, you will be sucker-punched by gale-force winds. The only defense is to rock a high pony. Is your hair too short to pull back? It’s best to spend this month indoors.
May
Rain lives here now. It will storm suddenly and with abandon, like a teenager remembering why they hate an ex-boyfriend. So, whatever you do to your ’do, mentally prepare for it to be shattered by a random downpour.
June
You’re sweaty. So sweaty. Keep your hair off your bare shoulders, or you’ll be doing that bottom-layer-stuck-to-your-back thing that inspires mouth barf.
July
Live in a pool and dunk yourself any time your hair thinks about drying. If it’s wet, the humidity can’t get you. It’s like a raptor when those Jurassic Park kids stand completely still.
August
Whatever you want because you moved out of this humidity hellhole for a better hair life in Colorado.
September
Don’t let September trick you into thinking it’s fall. It’s still Fake Fall. For recommendations, see August.
October
It’s time to embrace the grey. You can go as a witch and laugh in the face of all the people who still color their stupid hairs.
November
It’s Thanksgivingtimes! Comb your hair over your face, and you can hide from your relatives, just like Cousin It. Dyson Hair Wrap is an excellent tool for volume here.
December
Holiday hair! Get an updo! Or let it air dry, throw some glitter in that mustache you forgot to wax off, and get drunk on hairspray fumes before you play the traditional It’s A Wonderful Life drinking game: drink every time Donna Reed’s hair looks badass.
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