Yesterday, the State Fair of Texas hosted the Big Tex Choice Awards. Celebrity judges took the judging of all 10 finalists extremely seriously. Nervous concessionaires stiffly posed with their selfie-happy families, like teenagers on picture day. Their smiles said, “Of course I am enjoying this!” But their eyes whisper-screamed, “I MIGHT PROBABLY BARF, Y’ALL.” The whole place smelled of fryer grease and stress.
Little Tex won the award for Creepiest Ever. That’s not official, but:
Meanwhile, I hid in a corner behind a fern and tasted all 10 fried, powdered-sugared, and mint-sprigged finalist submissions so that I can help you wisely spend your 100 coupons. Sometimes, jobs are hard. But it’s important to do important work.
We’ll start with the results from the actual competition. Six celebrity judges sat at tiny tables on a beautiful stage surrounded by Karbach logos. (Was it a good sign that each judge was seated next to their own personal trashcan with a giant Big Tex Choice Awards logo sticker on it? #safetyfirst)
They gushed over each item and crowned these winners:
- Best Taste: Savory – Fried Charcuterie Board
- Best Taste: Sweet – Peanut Butter Paradise
- Most Creative – Cha-Cha Chata
Awards are great. But just because these six celebrity judges decided they liked these three items doesn’t mean you wouldn’t love something else that was in the mix, right? Rather than ranking the items from best to worst based on the palate of just a few people, we’re going to help you steer your purchases based on what kind of State Fair of Texas fairgoer you are.
Welcome to your Deep-Fried Matchmaker.
Chicharrón Explosion Nachos – The judges suggested sharing this item because of its size. You might need a friend to help you lift this off the counter after you order it. But piled-high nachos might be the grossest food you could share at the Fair: They’re messy, they’re unwieldy, and there’s a 300-percent chance you’re watching someone lick their fingers at you. Only reason I would share these nachos with a bunch of people is if I decided I wanted to expose myself to Big Tex COVID (which, of course, is just the street name for gastroenteritis pinkeye vomit, but GPV sounded too weird). Anyway, these nachos are for the parent who doesn’t want to ride any rides or the uncle who doesn’t want to hold any kids. These nachos need your full attention. “Sorry—can’t. Nachos.” Eat them while you calmly watch your family struggle.
Deep Fried BLT – There’s lettuce and tomato on this sandwich, and you’re at the Fair. So, this is essentially what Big Tex is serving to our vegetarian friends. Any item with only one meat involved is Fair Vegan. Sidebar: I actually did go Fair Vegan for a while, and it truly was a game-changer. It’s a lifestyle choice—not something I can stick with all the time. I’m not strict Fair Vegan. But it’s great when you need a reset.
Deep Fried Lasagna Roll – Brought to you by the folks who won last year with their Deep Fried Gumbo Balls, this lasagna roll is the loud, punch-you-in-the-gut cousin of Totino’s Pizza Rolls. You’re ordering this at the Fair if someone has deeply hurt you recently. You’re looking to cry into some comfort food. You want it to look like a party on the outside, but inside, you’re a hot mess. Mozzarella sticks aren’t going to cut through the pain. It’s time to bring in the big guns.
Fried Charcuterie Board – You’re 22. You make charcuterie boards for your friends out of Kroger cold cuts and Club crackers. You pre-partied before showing up at the Fair, because you hate getting carded all the time. Your friends asked you if you wanted anything and you said you weren’t hungry, even though you’re starving. You pronounce it “charshooterie” when you order it, and you’re Instagramming it in a sorority-squat photo in front of Big Tex. Living. Best. Life.
Holy Biscuit – You’re here for the TX/OU Game, and you’re looking for something that can handle the amount of beer you’re about to siphon into your body over the next eight hours. Holy Biscuit’s all, “Just beer? What about a margarita, too? Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Peanut Butter Paradise – You describe yourself as “not a chocolate person,” and you carry a gallon of milk around with you all the time.
Deep-Fried Rocky Road with Blue Bell Ice Cream – You’re 9 years old, and you can’t open this damn Bluebell Ice Cream cup by yourself. You have to ask your mom to do it for you, which is embarrassing. She thinks you can’t do a lot of stuff, and you totally can do a bunch of this crap on your own. But then this kind of bull happens, and you’re back in the “Why don’t you just let me do that for you?” zone. You’re finally “Must Be This Tall to Ride” and just when you think she’s about to let you go on the tilt-a-whirl alone this year, she has to wipe chocolate off of your cheek with her thumb. Dammit. You can’t wait for college.
Cha-Cha Chata – Everyone needs one of these. It comes with a churro straw. The Cha-Cha Chata is for all of us.
La Bluebonnet – You just downed that entire Holy Biscuit and three beers, and someone hands you this telling you it might be a good idea to slow it down. You pour in some Tito’s that you had in your purse. Secrets are fun.
Ultimate Brookie Monster – Your kids keep nagging you that they want something sweet. You buy this for them, and then, after you take a bite, you steal it all for yourself. “Because I built all y’all from scratch, THAT’S WHY IT’S MOMMY’S.”
Opening day of the fair is September 30. Pro tip: Before you go, be sure to find your favorite new food on this map so you can make sure you’re not too far from your car when The Fried Food Sleepies hit. Choose wisely, eat with reckless abandon, and remember: always bring some Pepcid.
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