As any single could probably tell you, the Valentine’s Day season can be hard. Romance is all around, but you’re stuck on the dating apps, hoping to swipe your way to love. But if that’s not working this cuffing season, then why not try a game of M.A.S.H.?
M.A.S.H. is not a two-player Alan Alda video game. The acronym stands for Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. Played by tween and teen girls everywhere, this simple game—usually scribbled into a notebook in back of a school bus—will decide your abode, who you’ll marry, how many kids you’ll have, and more.
So, for the novice M.A.S.H. player, here’s how this all works. Grab a friend and a piece of paper. Draw a spiral on the paper until your friend says, “stop!” Count the number of lines in the spiral. Then count down through the categories. If, say, you had five points, then count through M, A, S, and H, until you land on Erykah Badu under potential spouses. Cross out her name (rough break, we know). Then keep repeating this, until you end up with one result left per category. Voila! Your life is all planned out.
For this special round, we’ve made all the categories Dallas centric. After all, if your soulmate lives in Chicago, that’s a bit inconvenient if you’re in Winnetka Heights. Maybe you’ll end up marrying Mavericks point guard Luka Dončić, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing because, well, everyone in Dallas is a little bit in love with Luka. Maybe you’ll end up in a Preston Hollow mansion, but your first date is wading around in the Trinity River (how else will you know if they’re really serious?). Maybe you’ll find yourself in a M Streets “shack,” which is probably just a two-bed, one-bath Tudor going for exactly 3.67 bajillion dollars.
No matter your results, though, take your life out of your own hands. In honor of Valentine’s Day, it’s time to let the fates decide.
Number of Kids
Where You’ll Live
The intersection of Greenville and Lovers, specifically at sunset with all the grackles for roommates
Uptown foodie influencer
Oil and gas baron
Dallas Cowboys kicker
1 million Fletcher’s Corny Dogs
The contents of Tiffany Moon’s closet
Center-court sideline tickets to the Dallas Mavericks all season long
A nickel for every time Mayor Eric Johnson says “Big Dallas Energy”
Dinner at Lucia
Food trucks at Klyde Warren Park
Coffee at La La Land
Wading in the Trinity River
Dallas Blooms at the Arboretum
On the jumbotron during an Allen High School football game
A gondola ride through Las Colinas, á la Love is Blind
The Cotton Bowl’s parking lot after the UT-OU game