D'Andra Simmons on "Watch What Happens Live!" Bravo

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The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: No Math!

What’s a spilly spider?

I don’t know how you guys watch Bravo shows, but the moment those credits roll, I promptly forget everything I just watched. The information goes in and then it goes right on out. But isn’t that the joy of it all? There are a few moments that stick, like Kyle Richards inexplicably running out of a restaurant, or Scary Island. The day I forget Stassi Schroeder slapping Kristen Doute is the day I lose sense of who I am.

In terms of “The Real Housewives of Dallas,” “They’re just hands” is an all timer (even if it makes for a terrible gif). I don’t even remember the context anymore — I just remember it was wild. Unfortunately, there were no instant classics from last night (or this season so far), but there is a moment that I was thoroughly and weirdly entertained by, and that was Kameron’s mom porn book.

What in the name of Nowitzki Way am I looking at here? While Kary and Kameron are getting ready for LeeAnne’s wedding, Court, in a starched white button up, delivers Jimmy Johns on a paper plate and everyone loses their damn minds. I think there were also glasses of milk? “I’m putting him to work!” Kameron says to a flummoxed Kary. Oh no, is this what marriage is? Getting jazzed about milk? Jimmy Johns in the bathroom?

Then, Kameron goes and gets her “mom porn book,” her favorite Christmas gift she’s ever received from Court. “It might come as a surprise to people, but in my kind of mommy porn, no one’s naked,” Kameron says, surprising no one. The book is essentially a scrap book of Court doing household chores in various sporty blazers and, guys… it sent me. What an absolutely bananas Christmas gift. But you know what, whatever turns you on turns you on and I’m happy for these two crazy kids. It’s no “Don’t let it be about Tom,” but I will not soon forget it. Honestly, and I’m not afraid to say this: I hope a milk delivering man makes me one someday.

Anyway, this whole episode (and this whole season) was really building up to LeeAnne’s wedding, which—I’m so sorry to say—is still going to be happening next episode. (Nothing against weddings, but they can feel like a narrative crutch that holds us back.) However, there are a few moments that seem like they’ll progress the storyline beyond LeeAnne and Rich’s nuptials. Like the heartbreaking conversation between Stephanie and Brandi about Bruin’s birth mother giving up another child for adoption. The fact that it happened after their podcast stopped recording, and after Brandi said “spilly spider” no less than five times, made it all the more moving somehow. (What is this podcast even about?)

Another Brandi moment I liked was when she said, “Get out of the street, Brooklyn!” Whenever I see a scooter in the street, that’s what I’ll think of.

We had a real meeting of the minds between D’Andra, Dee, Jeremy, and various family members at Trulucks. We also got footage from a Christian television channel from the year 2010 that looked like it was coming to us from 1955. I mean… why don’t they just go back on Christian television? There are always more questions than answers here, and I feel (and fear) there always will be.

At Blue Saki Grill, Rich broaches the idea of a wedding countdown and LeeAnne says, “No math!” Good times.

What else? Kary’s daughter seemed cool. Sewing your own neon prom dress in some clandestine room of Stanley Korshak is, by definition, very cool. I also liked when she called a piece of clothing a tablecloth at Planet Blue, a boutique I continue to buy overpriced dresses from despite the fact that they do often look like skimpy, wearable blankets. (Fact check: MacKenzie Brittingham is a big deal bridal designer, and also owns Stanley Korshak Bridal.)

I know they’re trying to drum up a whole lot of drama around LeeAnne’s wedding, but honestly, she looks really lovely and tasteful in her dress, even if the way she acquired it was too cringey to recount. I kind of wish we could just focus on that.

Until next week. Get out of the street, Brooklyn!

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