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The Real House of Dallas Recap: Boom Roasted?

D'Andra's birthday party is a terrible decision but solid TV.

Maybe I’m just rusty with these recaps, but are we visiting a record number of restaurants in this episode? I mean, we went everywhere. We went to Sixty Vines. We went north to Matchbox. We went to Cru in West Village and a mysterious venue called One Sette. We went to Kung Fu Saloon! I haven’t thought of Kung Fu Saloon since that Texas Monthly article about the Uptown spot’s alleged racist business practices. But here Brandi and LeeAnne are, eating wings in front of a bunch of rollerball games. They say they don’t want anyone forming teams this year, but I’m pretty sure there are teams forming right behind them, playing with that tiny basketball hoop thing. What’s up? Would Punch Bowl Social not allow Bravo cameras? Was Scout at The Statler just like, no thanks we’ll pass?

It’s not important. What is important is that D’Andra is turning 50, and has made the terrible decision to be the subject of a roast. Her inspiration is the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, though the actual party is more of a Comedy Central-style situation. We’ll get to how no one got the memo what a roast is later (not even you, LeeAnne!), but other things happened first.

Things like a 90-minute workout that you fit into 20 minutes with some sort of fancy motion capture-looking suit. I cover fitness in Dallas and I have no idea what this is, but I’m interested. Here, we find Kary, Stephanie, and Kameron, who mentions that she met our new cast member when D’Andra invited everyone over to her home for taco salads. That’s Dallas for you?

During this whole fitness affair, Kam says some things in her testimonials that are total duds in quote-form, but genuinely pretty funny when she delivers them. Kam is the closest thing Dallas has to a Sonja T. Morgan and I’ll always appreciate her for that.

At one point, we go shopping in Plano with Brandi and her daughter Brooklyn, which is a scene that I, a childless soul, cannot relate to. However, she does seem to be wearing Uggs out of sheer frustration, which is something I relate too deeply.

Honestly, everything is super segmented in this episode, because we went to so many venues. Like, okay, we went to Sixty Vines with D’Andra and LeeAnne, but it was a stone cold meeting and just more of the same. D’Andra’s hair color has changed dramatically since the last episode, and that’s the only growth and evolution you’ll find here. Then we go to Cru, which serves only to let me know that Kary and I don’t love when waiters asking you to order dinner before appetizers arrive (what’s the rush?!), and sets us up for our first girls’ trip of the season. It’s to Eduardo’s family house in Careyes, and it’s straight fire. It looks like somewhere Billy McFarland would want to film a promo video for a festival, but Billy McFarland could never.

We get a handful of getting-ready scenes before D’Andra’s birthday and let me just take a moment to say that Brandi, a woman we just saw wearing Uggs and once tweeted at me that I don’t know what the word “real” means, literally took my breath away. I was dead in a ditch, as the kids say. This is my favorite hair and makeup look she’s ever had. Later, she’ll absolutely eviscerate Mama Dee during the roast (so, she knows how to do it, just not how to direct it), and I feel like this look gave her the confidence to get it done.

Truly, everyone looks great at this party, held at One Sette, which I was shocked to see is what now occupies the old Idle Rich building on McKinney. (What an aesthetic turn!) Before the party gets started, Dee (also an absolute vision) give D’Andra a pre-roast pep talk and says, “Don’t give a rip!” I usually get irked when Housewives or Housewives-adjacents are clearly pushing a catch phrase, but Dee pulls it off. I hope she gets to greet people at BravoCon with, “Welcome! Enjoy! I really don’t give a rip!”

Alright, here’s where no one knows what a roast is. Except Stephanie, who delivers a perfectly acceptable dig and even makes a fun joke that plays with our expectations of traditional gender roles. Way to be, Stephanie! Jeremy does this thing where he uses donuts as a metaphor and it’s a wild ride.

Okay, then LeeAnne, after making fun of all the other non-roasts for not being roasts gets up there and… does not give a roast. Listen, if you have a reasonable nit to pick then by all means go for it, but then you absolutely have to follow through and lead by example. LeeAnne just brings some physical-yet-metaphorical candles (lots of figures of speech at this party) and tells her she wants to work on their friendship. Boom, passive aggressive kindness.

And that’s it. See y’all in Mexico!

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