Tuesday, May 28, 2024 May 28, 2024
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Let’s Power Rank All Ten Stars Goals From Last Night’s Demolition in Buffalo

We don’t typically do this sort of thing at StrongSide, but the Stars don’t typically score 10 goals in one game, either.
There was a lot of celebrating going on in Buffalo last night. Timothy T. Ludwig-USA TODAY Sports

The internet has enough power rankings, which is why we do not typically do this sort of thing here at StrongSide. Not to get all highbrow about our sensibilities, but if we’re going to borrow your eyeballs for a few minutes, we figure it should be for stuff you typically don’t find elsewhere.

Of course, the Dallas Stars typically do not crack double-digit goals in a single game, either. Prior to last night’s 10-4 stomping of the Buffalo Sabres, they’d only done so once: in 2009, with a 10-2 rout of the New York Rangers.

A performance like that merits something special. And since it’s Friday afternoon and you, like any civilized red-blooded American, would much rather watch sports highlights than do actual work, I am here to serve.

So let’s run down every Dallas goal from last night, in order of least to most awesome.

Starting with…

10. Wyatt Johnston, First Period, 1-0

Dallas got on the board with a simple tap-in for Dallas’ teenage sensation. Effective? Yes. Sexy? Meh.

We can do better.

9. Ryan Suter, Second Period, 5-2

There is a metaphor to unpack about the 38-year-old Suter, whose skills have been taken by time, jabbing this one home only through brute force. But that’s a sad metaphor, and this is a happy occasion, so let’s not.  

8. Jamie Benn, First Period, 3-0

The Bennaissance is the best sports story in Dallas right now, and while this is hardly the flashiest goal he’s scored in his most proficient season in years, it’s fittingly understated for Dallas’ low-key captain.

7. Joel Kiviranta, Second Period, 4-1

Another tap-in, but a discernably cooler one thanks to Jason Robertson’s stylish assist. Related: Robertson’s involvement in a goal increases its cool probability by a factor of five. This is science. Email NHL’s official stats department if you don’t believe me*.

*Don’t email NHL’s official stats department.

6. Joe Pavelski, First Period, 2-0

I remain a sucker for a good one-timer, and everyone remains a sucker for Joe Pavelski, Hockey Comfort Food, getting his on the power play.

5. Radek Faksa, Third Period, 7-3

Give-and-gos, no matter the circumstance, are beautiful. Give-and-gos in cramped quarters, at point-blank range, are sublime.

4. Evegenii Dadonov, Third Period, 6-3.

Now we’re talking. Benn’s setup work is outstanding, and Dadonov’s wrister is that much more so. That’s four points in six games for Dallas’ deadline acquisition, who is quickly providing the consistency Denis Gurionov never could.

3. Mason Marchment, Third Period, 10-3

After a two-month dry spell, last season’s big free-agent acquisition may be heating up again with his second goal in three games with this gorgeous blast. Also, what does it say that the five best goals on this list were Dallas’s final ones?

2. Radek Faksa, Third Period, 8-3

When Faksa, Dallas’ checking line extraordinaire, is ripping breakaway wristers top shelf, it’s a safe indication that things are really, really going Dallas’ way.  

1. Roope Hintz, Third Period, 9-3

Please refer to the aforementioned Jason Robertson Cool Goal Axiom for this one. Two of Dallas’ very best make it look comically easy on the two-man game.

Do you agree? Disagree? Holler at me. Just know that this list is just, like, uh, my opinion, man, and I’m getting over being sick, so I apologize for nothing. Except putting that idea about emailing the NHL official stats department in your head. I bet they’re very nice people who can do better than addressing my dumb pseudo-science*.

*It’s not pseudo-science.


Mike Piellucci

Mike Piellucci

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Mike Piellucci is D Magazine's sports editor. He is a former staffer at The Athletic and VICE, and his freelance…