As I type these words, T cells in my body are waging a brave battle with SARS-CoV-2. It’s not pretty. There is mucus. And more than mucus, there is much complaining. In all seriousness, though, the only reason I can operate WordPress and figure out this new process for posting on our redesigned site is because I drank a highball of chlorine dioxide and alpaca de-wormer prepared especially for me by Negative48 at a speakeasy in the back of a Chick-fil-A (and because I’ve been vaxxed and boosted).
Where was I? Is it 2024 yet?
Anyway, if you follow me on Twitter, you know that I have for years, even in full health, been amused by the Rooms to Go Lounge. As I’ve descended into sickness, that amusement has turned to obsession.
The Rooms to Go Lounge (hereinafter RTGL) is a television commercial that pops up once in every Mavericks broadcast. It features a woman named Sarah Merrifield, the only occupant of the RTGL that I have ever seen. What’s curious about that: the lounge has two chairs. This means that one chair always remains vacant. Further, this also means that there are approximately 100 percent more chairs than are strictly necessary for whatever it is that Sarah Merrifield does in the lounge. I think she says things about the Mavericks. I’m not certain. Each time I see the RTGL on TV, I shout, “It’s the lounge! There’s still a chair available! Where are the waitresses?! Why is it so hard for Sarah Merrifield to get a drink in that lounge?!” And so on. Which makes it impossible to hear what Sarah Merrifield is saying.
The preceding brings me to last night’s broadcast. The Mavs beat the hapless OKC Thunder in Luka’s return to the court, now that he has healed up his ankle and gone through the health and safety protocols. Bam! There was the RTGL. Something jumped out at me. I couldn’t believe it. Was the COVID affecting my vision? I paused the TV and took a picture. I compared it to another picture I’d taken back on December 13. Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, last night Sarah Merrifield switched chairs. The image you see at the top of this post is a composite of the two pictures. Here they are uncomposited:
On the left, Sarah Merrifield is sitting in the left chair, her usual position. On the right, last night, she is sitting in the chair that is NOT the left chair. And on both the left and the right, one chair remains empty. In neither image has a waitress brought a drink.
What to make of all this? The Dallas Morning News’ architecture critic, Mark Lamster, wrote on Twitter: “besides the tackiness of it all, it would be nice if rooms to go would give sarah merrifield (sic) a desk so she wasn’t in constant danger of exposing herself. so classless to put her in that awkward position.”
At the risk of making a lifelong enemy and making this fever dream of a post longer than it needs to be, I must say that I disagree with Lamster. It reveals his comfortable position within the patriarchy when he assumes that Sarah Merrifield has no agency over the decorating of her lounge and that she is not capable of occupying either the left or the right chair without putting herself in constant danger. Maybe that’s just the Pfizer talking.
To sum up, Luka scored 14 points on six-of-14 shooting, with 10 assists and nine rebounds. I think I speak for Mavs fans everywhere when I say that Marquese Chriss should be signed to a longterm contract.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.