Tuesday, July 5, 2022 Jul 5, 2022
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Sports

Let Me, Zac Crain, Play QB For the Cowboys

First, a few caveats. I'm 41. I haven't played football since I was a sophomore in high school, and I missed most of that season due to a really nasty illness that required surgery, and when I did play it wasn't quarterback. I played, very sparingly, center and defensive tackle, and honestly I wasn't great at either. (I preferred -- and was actually decent at -- basketball.) Also, I'm left-handed, and so all the formations and plays will have to be adjusted to reflect that. Furthermore, I don't have a "prototypical QB body," either. I'm 6 feet tall and of average build. Actually, that's not a caveat. I'm taller than Drew Brees and Russell Wilson, so forget that. But, physically, yes, I do have some issues: I've got creaky knees, one ankle that is just this side of fictional, and an inherited tire fire of a back that has been going out on me since I was 18. I also can't throw too well. Not in terms of accuracy, or distance. I mean, I can throw, OK? But basically you're going to have to just rip any sideline outs or deep passes right out of the playbook. Also, I don't have a passion for the sport. As I mentioned before, I prefer basketball, and after that soccer, and after that The Challenge on MTV. But I do watch football. Some. I mean, I'm not going to freak out if my Sunday takes me away from the games. OK, and I have a demand for perfection that sometimes rubs my co-workers the wrong way, and that may be a problem if my co-workers are 300 pounds. Now that all that is out of the way, here is my case: I'm available, I'm cheap, my clavicle bones are in perfect working order, I've never lost an NFL game, I definitely won't be out hunting for my own stats, I already live here, I'm interested in a new career challenge, and I'm friendly with all the sports radio hosts that matter. You probably could use someone who can run a charm offensive right now. And it's not like I'm asking to play defense. That would just be dumb.
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First, a few caveats. I’m 41. I haven’t played football since I was a sophomore in high school, and I missed most of that season due to a really nasty illness that required surgery, and when I did play it wasn’t quarterback. I played, very sparingly, center and defensive tackle, and honestly I wasn’t great at either. (I preferred — and was actually decent at — basketball.)

Also, I’m left-handed, and so all the formations and plays will have to be adjusted to reflect that.

Furthermore, I don’t have a “prototypical QB body,” either. I’m 6 feet tall and of average build. Actually, that’s not a caveat. I’m taller than Drew Brees and Russell Wilson, so forget that. But, physically, yes, I do have some issues: I’ve got creaky knees, one ankle that is just this side of fictional, and an inherited tire fire of a back that has been going out on me since I was 18.

I also can’t throw too well. Not in terms of accuracy, or distance. I mean, I can throw, OK? But basically you’re going to have to just rip any sideline outs or deep passes right out of the playbook.

Also, I don’t have a passion for the sport. As I mentioned before, I prefer basketball, and after that soccer, and after that The Challenge on MTV. But I do watch football. Some. I mean, I’m not going to freak out if my Sunday takes me away from the games.

OK, and I have a demand for perfection that sometimes rubs my co-workers the wrong way, and that may be a problem if my co-workers are 300 pounds.

Now that all that is out of the way, here is my case: I’m available, I’m cheap, my clavicle bones are in perfect working order, I’ve never lost an NFL game, I definitely won’t be out hunting for my own stats, I already live here, I’m interested in a new career challenge, and I’m friendly with all the sports radio hosts that matter. You probably could use someone who can run a charm offensive right now.

And it’s not like I’m asking to play defense. That would just be dumb.

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