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Stephen Jones shows us all why it sucks to suddenly see yourself on TV.
A video posted by timmytyper (@timmytyper) on
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Here’s my breakdown of the above video from last night’s game: the camera cuts to the owner’s box at Soldier Field. Stephen Jones is super nervous, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because he’s sitting next to his dad. Maybe it’s because he can’t wait to get on the Cowboys party bus and cruise for chicks in Wrigleyville. Maybe it’s because he has stage-four restless leg syndrome. I don’t know. But his legs are bouncing at 100 mph. His tie is askew. His arms are crossed. Then he looks up to check the television broadcast on a monitor above his head, and here’s what goes through his head:
“Hey, there’s me on televi — whoah. My belly’s fixin to bust my shirt buttons on national TV. Suck it in, Stephen! NO, no, no, no! Too late! My big ol’ tummy has already been beamed into millions of homes across the country. The only thing worse than people seeing your fat tummy on national television is people seeing you try to suck in your fat tummy on national television.”
At which point he reaches for his tie, misses, and adopts a look of resignation.
It’s not fair. I shouldn’t poke fun. At any point last night, if you’d turned a TV camera on me, I would have looked unpresentable or worse. But the thing is, I wasn’t sitting next to Jerry Jones, who owns the Dallas Cowboys. If you’re sitting next to Jerry, you know you’re going to wind up on TV. It’s impossible not to. So don’t pick your nose. Don’t chew on your cuticles. And either be prepared to suck it in all night, or wear Spanx for men.
Good win for the Cowboys, though. Now it’s on to the Eagles for some revenge.
