Another week, another Tough Love recap. I wish I could say this show was getting easier to watch. It’s not. Especially after watching a Dateline about women who got conned out of money, love, and sexual favors by an old, obese dude who claimed to be a producer for Michael Jackson. Why are women so willing to believe men? Is it greed? Is it our early exposure to fairy tales? Are we bored? None of this and less was answered on last night’s episode. Jump for it. Or don’t.
So, the show begins with Arian damaging equipment, swearing, and just generally freaking out. The rest of the girls cry and then shrug it off. As Steve says, “There’s one more thing we still need to discuss tonight.” It’s time for Stasha to confess her secret. Taylor immediately thinks she knows what it is: Stasha is a man. “No way, she did not have a penis in her pants this whole time,” she pontificates. Now Taylor has to know this is unlikely, as we saw a lot of business when Stasha donned her tutu sans tights a few episodes back. But it’s funny! As it turns out: Stasha is merely in love. (Stasha is a lot of things. By the way, did we discuss that last week Stasha thought Harry Potter wrote Carrie?)
Steve has a conversation with “Lox,” (I could be wrong here. I was multi-tasking while I was watching this: playing spider solitaire, stalking someone on facebook, and texting while I watched the show.) and he, too, claims to be in love with Stasha. The little Nikki Sixx-lookalike says, “I really think she is my perfect match.” Steve says “Mazel tav” and after hugging Stasha for what seems like hours, kicks her to the curb. Before she leaves, she starts apologizing for her true love’s looks and height, and Abiola–who looks like she’s attempting to squeeze out tears–tells her, “If you love someone, it really doesn’t matter.” (See the Dateline thing above. Everything matters.)
All this time, I’m wondering what’s going on with Arian. Does production have her sedated? Did she leave the house? We will never know. The next day, she is pensive, sitting in her room, reading Deepok Chopra, and clad in a Daisy Duke-styled plaid shirt, skinny jeans, and boots. Steve–very scared of Arian at this point in time–brings his mom along for support. Did you see him? He hangs back, looks at the ground, hands in his pockets? So much for tough love, Steve. Anyway the mom tells Arian, “You need some guidance.” Arian cries and agrees to stay. Big surprise, right?
The next damaged person: Shane. Remember? He’s the one who has an ex wife and a kid (aka baggage) who berrated poor career woman Jodie about being single on their date last week. He arrives in a leather jacket and moussed hair. He also arrives with cupcakes, two dozen roses, and a terrible apology (“I think I was looking for a reason you were single, like, you were addicted to cocaine for 10 years.”). Guess who gets back in Jodie’s heart? Damn you, cupcakes.
So now it’s (finally) time for Lesson Five: Values. Apparently, in order for a relationship to be successful, both of your values need to be in check. And in order for Steve to evaluate how the women feel about certain things, he brings in three dudes who are wearing, like, 12 t-shirts apiece. Each t-shirt has a message on it–so in the beginning they’re all positive (“I’m in law school” and “I am a trust fund kid”). They strip to reveal another, where things get a little scarier (“I have $150,000 in student loans” and “I get my trust when I’m 50”). By the last t-shirt, the messages are way scary (“I have five cats” and “I’m impotent” and “I have chlamydia.”). Seriously, having cats was in the same category as VD and impotence.
The lesson here: you rarely have all the information necessary to make all the right judgments, but never date men with cats.
There is nothing like a good, old-fashioned pool party to celebrate values. Steve gets out the John and Kate Plus Eight van, and everyone heads for the Hollywood Hills to meet boys. Incidentally, the house belongs to Steve’s friend Mark. The girls start to mix and mingle. Taylor immediately sets her sights on Mark, even though he’s older and not a professional athlete nor any of the other things she said she was looking for. She invites herself to Vegas with him. She kisses him on the lips. Now, here’s my thoughts on that: I don’t blame her. I don’t think I could go out with a dude who beats people up for a living (as her “date” did–some sort of extreme fighter). If it’s just a hobby, well, fine.
Abiola meets a nice looking gentleman, but she’s not her usual confident self. She’s saying something about what she writes about for a living, and he interrupts her and says, “I wrote the best poem the other day.” He then says he’s joking, and instead of saying, “you’re terrible,” Abiola cops to writing poetry herself. And he’s kind of rude about it. Later, she rather shyly asks if he’d like to come over later, and he says, “No, I don’t think it would be fair if I hung out later.” She’s so crestfallen about it, I wanted to reach into the television and whisper in her ear, “He’s not that great. Move on. He’s clearly trying to get discovered, and he never will. Now, let’s go eat some of those cupcakes that Shane brought over.”
Of course, the star as always is poor little Arian. I went on a totally cheesy, cheap trip to Puerto Vallarta when I was in my 20s, and there happened to be a guy who brought a topless dancer along for the ride. She was young and pretty and totally desperate for attention. It was the most exhausting, saddest thing I’ve ever seen. (And remember, I’ve seen things that would make your eyes bleed.) This is how Arian makes me feel. How do you deprogram people like this? I mean, clearly she likes being on camera. But why would you lift your skirt and put your bottom on a pool table? Why would you say cliched things like, “I guess I’m really good with a stick and balls.” during a pool game? Why would you make out with a guy who according to Taylor says he looks like “a big, hairy gorilla”? And when he comes over for a second date, why would you take him directly to your bathtub? I mean the answer is obvious: She lost the Rock of Love Bus booking. But still.
Nothing else to really say here. Brock and Jackie might be married by the next episode. Oh. And Taylor’s older Prince Charming ended up being an actor Steve hired just to see if Taylor would jump on him because she dug his house. And she did. Poor little gold-digger. I still think she’s funny.
Until next week, so long. In the meantime, I’ll be looking for someone wearing a t-shirt that says, “Count on me to take care of the bar tab at all times and in all places.” We’ll be in the bathtub if you need us.
