Friday, March 29, 2024 Mar 29, 2024
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Television

TV With Laura: Tough Love Pt. IV

By Laura Kostelny |

Friends, I have visited Crazy Town. I even had a little apartment there after a particularly rough breakup. But that was a long time ago–I’m too old, lazy, and jaded to really freak out anymore. I recently spoke to one of my favorite exes who mentioned attending a Taylor Swift concert. Boys don’t go to Taylor Swift concerts alone. Therefore, he probably has a new girlfriend with questionable taste in music. (Although a particularly helpful friend pointed out he could have a kid that he forgot to tell me about.) I could freak out about it. I could cry, key a car or two, and get my bottom tattooed like Stasha. Instead, I choose to have another Coors Light and watch my terrible programs. If only the guhls of Tough Love had me as counsel during this freak-out heavy episode. Jump for the dramz.

The program begins with Taylor speaking to Arian about her quest for love. “I could have so many guys right now… but they don’t have the genuine qualities I need,” she says. I’m not really sure what she’s doing on the show. Yes, she’s clearly an aspiring actress, but one assumes that she’s looking for a category of dudes that she’s not currently meeting. That seems like a rather tall order for Steve and his mom. They consistently bring in cruel, beefy dudes who are quick to (harshly) judge these poor women–and we never learn anything about their impotence, lack of education and/or manners, desire to break into show business, or whatever it is that brings them to Tough Love Land.

Speaking of beefy dudes, a bus full of them shows up for a little touch football. Which brings us to Lesson IV: Being low maintenance and hanging out with dudes. Never mind that boys and girls only play games of touch football at church camp or in the movies. It’s absurd, and the women are right to be less than enthusiastic. Stasha volunteers to be a cheerleader, saying, “Dude, I’m European.” Actually, Stasha, you could have also gone with, “Dude, I’m not 13.” The rest of the gang gets into the spirit. Jodie and Arian take off their shirts. Taylor sports a shower cap, explaining that it’s been raining off and on. Her hair isn’t actually tucked into the thing–it’s only covering the top, Strawberry Shortcake-ish style, as Steve observes. So, I’m not sure if that means extensions? Whatever. And who knew that Abiola also hails from Europe? How else to explain this question: “Is tackling when you run through a group of people?” So far, freak out free.

But wait: we cut to Stasha sitting in a dark corner, covered in blood, rocking back and forth. Ok, not really. She is sad though. “I feel sad and miserable,” she says. And she wonders if she should talk to Steve about it. Steve is a matchmaker who possibly hates women. I’m thinking you should talk to a therapist. Sure, it costs money. But come on. Anyway, we learn later that she met a dude a week before coming on the show, and she’s in love. I would pay $1 million dollars to meet this man, wouldn’t you?

Next up: date night. Ok, the descent to Crazy Town really starts here. Jackie, Jessa, and Jodie (the three J’s as I never call them) get set up on one-on-ones. The rest go to a crappy bar to do “guy stuff,” which apparently Steve takes to mean drink beer and play trivia. Does Steve even know any straight guys? Anyway, the star of the show here is Arian. She meets her beefcake, and immediately after sitting down, she removes her shirt. You know, like you do. Yes, she has an undershirt of sorts on, but still. Then, she becomes almost manic. She makes reference to her breasts, her ability to perform oral deeds, her mental state in no time. She may or may not give him some sort of manual stimulation under the table. Best supporting actress Taylor has the most hilarious expressions as she watches the trainwreck go down. As she comments on the “sexy handshake under the table,” I can’t stop laughing. Steve shows up for trivia, and again, an almost crazed Arian can’t stop touching her breasts, makes a comment about KY jelly, and then remarks on her new friend’s favorite sexual position. The whole performance is almost too painful to watch, but I do it for you, dear readers.

As for the one-on-one date, Jodie wins Crazy Town honors on her date with Shane. First of all, the guy is lame. He makes her a goody bag that includes a CD of the Rolling Stones because he “wants her to know that I was listening.” You know what, Shane? You should be about half as impressed with yourself as you are. He also goes into some lame thing about how he hasn’t been completely honest with Jodie–there are actually two boys in his life: his son and his dog. BAHAHA. Oh, Shane. You’re too much. Okay, I’m telling you all this to let you know that he’s too silly to get upset about. But Jodie loses her sh•t (sorry, it’s the only appropriate word) when he asks (admittedly, several times too many) why she’s single. Jodie, you’re 39. This can’t be the first time you’ve heard this. Here’s how you answer: “I don’t know, Shane. I guess because I keep getting set up with douchebags like you. Thanks for the CD! Can I get a sixer of Coors Light to go?” Instead Jodie begins crying, tears into the house demanding a cigarette, and screaming at the poor cameraman to go away. It’s so much drama for so little reason.

It’s worth noting that little Jackie had the best date ever. She gets some good kissing in there. The guy seems nice enough, but Jackie might be in Stasha’s corner with the blood really soon. Upon seeing Brock (really?) interact with a child for 2.2 seconds, she notes, “It obviously shows me that he’s going to be a perfect dad.” Oh, obviously. She also pledges, “I’m going to open my heart to him.” After three weeks? What could go wrong here?

So, time for group therapy. Taylor wins for the week. She writes a nice letter to Jodie, acknowledging that even though she’s 39, she’s still fabulous. (If Jodie didn’t care about her age before, she does now. The number 39 must have been mentioned about 12 times over the course of an hour.) And then it’s Arian in the hot seat. She had been quiet and composed before getting called out and then all of a sudden it’s ON again. She starts making excuses for her weird, inappropriate behavior from the getgo–laughing wildly and saying things, “I am pretty much going to have sex with anything that moves…I am about to jump on anything with a pulse.” Everyone is looking at her in horror. Steve is pissed–he’s lost control of the show–so he tries to bring her back by calling her a slut, telling her she’s going to get an STD, and then getting flip about the fact that she could get raped. Here’s where Arian loses her sh•t. And it’s all so absurd. First of all, something is going on with this woman–Let’s say she’s playing some sort of over-sexed Mae West character. If that’s the case, she should have just winked and said, “Steve, you’re going to have to get over your hatred of women and your rape fantasies.” Or whatever. But for her to tear off and demand to be let out of the house because of his objectionable words? Totally weird. Anyway, she starts knocking things over, demanding her release.

Best line of the night goes to Steve: “And now she’s destroying equpiment.” So beaten down. Poor Steve. He thought he was going to be the star of the show. He’s so not.

To be continued. Until then, I guess I’ll be listening to a little Taylor Swift.

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