Hello, dear friends. Forgive me for falling down on my post last week. I promise, I will never allow my “real” job to get in the way of my commitment to bringing you updates on some of the saddest television shows. But that’s all behind us. Let’s focus on last night’s episode of Tough Love. Steve said the lesson was about reconciling the past and the present with the future. WRONG. The lesson here is that all reality show roads lead back to Dallas. Jump to see what I mean.
We open with Steve telling the ladies that they’re going to throw a dinner party. Mystery guests will be arriving all day long. Someone asks if they should tidy up–cut to montages of dusting and vacuuming. Curious–though Arian likes to take baths with dates, it appears that’s not because she’s OCD. She does not push a broom but instead volunteers, “Jessa, let’s just sit by the door and wait for the doorbell to ring.” When did these two become BFFs? Is that what I missed last week?
Taylor’s mom is the first to arrive. Seems like a nice enough lady. Taylor is sufficiently delighted to see her. “I was more happy than when I look in the mirror on my best day,” she says. Listen, it’s all schtick. I know it, you know it, and Taylor knows we know it. That’s why I like her.
Ok. Jackie is officially the most beaten down lady in the world. The doorbell rings and it’s her ex-boyfriend Greg. From DALLAS. “I, like, blacked out when I answered the door.” I, like, get it. He’s cute–in that sort of t-shirt, longer hair, bigger teeth, Dallas kind of way. You may or may not have run into him at Lotus, I should think. Anyway, they engage in total banal conversation–“You liking California,” he asks. Jackie explains that all the women have a lot in common, “We’ve all dated jerks.” Crickets.
Everybody else gets friends, family, whatever, as their guests. They’re not important enough to merit attention. However, Natasha’s ex boyfriend Omar is also invited. When she sees him she says, “Hi, what a surprise. This is awkward.” And her voice is super high and super shaky. (I just called an old friend’s cell phone and her husband answered. He hates me. I suddenly was speaking in falsetto and using my most formal manners, “Hello, sir. Might I have the pleasure of speaking to your wife?” Off-task question of the day: Do married people answer one another’s phones?)
Ok. So usually the star of the show is Arian. Not today, friends. Today, it’s her mom. Didn’t you sort of hope that Arian’s mom would be this calm, cool, tall glass of water–really rigid and elegant–and thus the reason for Arian’s acting out. Not. Even. Close. Arian’s mom is a bottle blonde who apparently finds it endearing when her daughter talks about getting laid and says things like, “I’m like a dog. If you lock me in the house, I’m gonna pee on the rug.” When Arian tells her mom that she hasn’t had a drink in three weeks (which seems unlikely, by the way), her mother says, “Poor you.” This is a mother-daughter duo that high fives a lot.
Anyway, Steve sits down with them and is verbally assaulted. Her mother says, “What a tool.” About Steve. While he’s sitting there. Was this woman raised in a barn? Doesn’t she know that polite people talk about others waaay behind their backs? Abiola observes, “At one point, I thought they would jump on the table and beat the pulp out of one another.” Sadly, this does not happen.
So, on to Jackie. She and Greg are having a heart-to-heart that makes it super clear that Greg just wanted an all-expense paid trip to LA. Not only is he not pining for sweet Jackie, we discover that he actually drove her to the airport for the show. And he knew the show was all about matchmaking. His excuse: “We weren’t together. It’s not like I can tell you what to do.” He continues to eat his (free) meal while she gets upset. It’s finally too much for her so she runs off to the bathroom to pray.
Suddenly, a piercing Abiola scream: “Oh my God! It’s Brock and the boys.”
Yes, a string of guys enters, including Jackie’s current squeeze Brock. I’m not going to get into this too much because, frankly, there’s not much to say. Brock is a nice guy. When Jackie freaks out and goes in the house, Brock comes in and gives her a hug and a kiss. Meanwhile, Greg is outside doing kegstands, talking about how weird/emotional/freaky Jackie is, talking to some dudes, or some such nonsense. So many Gregs in this town…
Cut to sweet Natasha. Natasha really hasn’t done much on the show, but I like her a whole bunch. She gets so incredibly uncomfortable with her surroundings that she finds it necessary to get incredibly drunk. Like, “’cause it ain’t a party till…” chanting kind of drinking. And she calls her date a douchebag—while he’s standing there. So, that’s not good.
The next day, Steve and his mother JoAnn try to talk some sense into Mrs. Arian. They show her the video of Arian giving the x-rated handshake to the dude at the trivia night. Then they ask her, “Do you understand why Arian is here?” and she replies, “I really have no idea.” They ask where she gets that sort of behavior and her mother says, “In a lot of ways she’s like me. She just took it to another level.” So curious as to what this cute mom/dot have planned for Mother’s Day.
So, let’s just go to group therapy, shall we? Arian wrestles camera time away from the other girls by going into cardiac arrest during the session. It’s what Taylor describes a “psychotic breakdown…Quasi Moto Ringing the Bell Nuts.” (?) She keeps saying, “I don’t want to be in the hot seat.” Okay, really? This woman is more afraid of having to sit on a stool than getting a rubdown by a complete stranger? Once Arian calms down, Steve explains that Arian was never in danger of going to the hotseat. Instead, she is getting kicked out.
And then Arian gets it. She’s no longer going to be on camera. She starts backtracking–she has learned lessons. She does get it. Alas, this is tough love, and Steve has discovered that Arian may need more help than even he can give–he can’t prescribe medication, after all. She tries to rally the girls to leave with her, and new BFF Jessa even makes a half-hearted attempt to beat up Steve. But the bottom line is this: Arian, no matter how unjust, when it comes to choosing between hanging with you and more camera time, you’re gonna lose every time.
So, she throws her luggage out the door, sheds a few more tears, gives out a couple of hugs, and Arian is off into the night, in search of larger tubs in which to bathe with beaus.
