The Bachelor: Jason Is The Devil Part II

I debated about whether or not I should even post about last night’s show. First of all, there was maybe 5 or 10 minutes of original programming. Second, they obviously populated the audience with people who don’t speak English and/or didn’t watch the program. Third, giving Jason more attention seems wrong. And then they brought back Stephanie. And for a minute, I didn’t even notice the rings on every finger, the gratuitous mention of her child and heartbreak, or even the ghastly gash of blush. The poor woman could not close her eyes. She obviously chose to get some eye work in anticipation of being named the next Bachelorette. (Sorry, Sophie. No new daddy this season.) And I realized we have more ground to cover. Jump if you’re in.

So, Chris says something like, “Last night, America watched in amazement…” and I was throwing my pen at the television, attempting to take notes, and open a beer all at once, so I missed it. But my very patient friend-who-is-a-boy swears that Chris used the word “historic.” And if true, that seems about right. Man on the moon; women’s suffrage; collapse of the Berlin Wall; Obama’s election; and The Bachelor finale.

Let’s talk about the women they brought back for a minute. Kari, Naomi, Nikki, Erica, and Stephanie. Weird, right? Chris claims that these are our favorite ladies, but I don’t even know who Kari is. Why not bring back the feisty lacrosse coach? What about the opinionated Lauren? My guess is that ABC didn’t want anyone harping on the fact that Jason is the devil. (This is perhaps why I wasn’t invited. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said was, “I hate Jason.”) So, they were smart. These girls say very little–but the sentiment is pro-Molly+Jason. Stephanie even says something about his actions being understandable, “having a child involved and all.” Only poor Naomi attempts to chastise Jason, but in the end her large tongue gives her too much trouble and she can only conclude, “It was just hard to watch.”

So after that waste of time, the man of the hour comes out and sheepishly addresses the audience. He cops to the fact that his actions are “definitely not the classiest thing ever.” He also says, “I’m not proud of what I did to her.” You know how I know that the audience doesn’t know English? Remember when Mutadar al-Zaid threw his shoe at George W. Bush? That should have happened to Jason ten-fold as soon as he opts to use the word “classiest.” (The audience would be forced to use their right shoes, as their left pumps would have been used previously to pummell Mr. Harrison for his use of the word “historic.”)

Okay, moving on. By this time, I was quite irate and out of beer. So when Jason said, “Melissa is the ultimate wife, but Molly challenges me.” all I could do was laugh. Despite being divorced and proposing to two women in a short span, this guy hasn’t a clue about marriage. We should have heard Molly scream followed by quick footsteps and a door slam as she ran from the building. But that didn’t happen. Instead Molly comes out to stand by her man. “My morals and character are being questioned,” she complains. (Ahem. Sorry. That would be us.) “Luckily, I have Jason to lean on.” They’ve been together for six weeks and things are going swimmingly. She’s moving to Seattle, and Jason says, “We’re in love.” But come on. Six weeks. I’ve pretended to be sane for six weeks. Let’s check back in six months, shall we? In fact, maybe a bunch of us should take a trip to Seattle. We can hang out in the REI and wait for the duo to come in for shopping, rock climbing, and a fireside picnic.

I don’t know what to say about Jillian. The Bachelorette is tougher for me to watch for some reason. It’s just less funny. Am I alone? I mean, remember Bob Guiney? He was such a disaster on the Jenn Scheff season (which was totally boring), but remember when he got his own show? The dude showed up in 7 For All Mankind jeans and more than a drop of gel in his hair. It was hilarious. So, I guess godspeed Jillian.

And if you guys are right, it sounds like all’s well that ends well. Melissa is happy with a nice boy. Jason is one of the most despised guys in America. And Chris Harrison just bought another Bentley. Oh. Never mind.

Questions, ideas, and/or suggestions for something we could all watch next? Let me know. It needs to have a local angle. Oh, and it needs to be terrible. I only watch terrible shows.


Keep me up to date on the latest happenings and all that D Magazine has to offer.