The Bachelor: Still Not Over

I’m not at the top of my game, people. Maybe it’s the move. Maybe it’s the fact that we just finished an issue. Whatever the case, I want to scream every single time Chris uses the words “most dramatic.” I want to cry when a woman inevitably emerges in a Wet Seal garment. And I want to throw a punch when I realize that, once again, Deanna is nowhere to be found. I curse you, ABC! Lucky for the guhls, I merely drank and made comments under my breath. Bitterness aside, let’s discuss the highlights of last night’s Bachelor episode, shall we?

Who else teared up when Peter Jackson, Lucy Lawless, and Russell Crowe welcomed the entire cast and crew with kiwis and Lord of the Rings paraphernalia at the airport? If only. Instead, we were subjected to Date No. 1 wherein Jillian and Jason went mad for plaid in (sort of) matching outfits! Once again, the helicopter shows up to whisk the grunge duo to the top of a mountain for a picnic. (Clearly an ABC exec is trying to justify hanging on to this helicopter in these tough economic times. The chopper has appeared in more episodes than, well, Deanna.) She uses the word “babe,” tells him she loves him and that she wants to marry her “best friend.”

Okay, a rant here: The whole “best friend” thing seemed to throw him off, right? I’m going to talk to Jason here for a minute: Jason, let’s say you were to marry, I don’t know, a 24-year-old ex-Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. One day, she’s going to turn 30, and you might realize, “Huh. I never noticed how annoying she is when she talks.” Or something like that. And you’re going to wish your best friend was around to watch television with and laugh with you, and, sure, smooch or whatever. But instead you’ll be worrying about how to tell your wife to stop wearing shirts as dresses to your company Christmas parties.

Anyway, I found his whole attitude irritating (can you tell?) because, if history serves, he CLEARLY doesn’t know jack about choosing mates. Okay, sorry. Back to the date. After lunch, they get dressed up, go to dinner, get the skank overnight invite from Chris, and then retire to the hot tub (Jilly was clad in a bikini and boots). Okay, who noticed the ominous music when Jilly and Jason were making out? We half expected Deanna to emerge from the bushes and kill them both.

But alas, no. On to Date No. 2. Molly, our pert, ponytailed pal, shows up dressed in a brown shirt and jeans–just like Jason. What department store do you think she buys for? Anyway, they bungee jump, and…this is where the guhls and I sort of lost interest. At some point, our friend Liz asked, “So, she’s from New Zealand?” About Molly. So, after we stop laughing about that, we turn our attention back, and Molly is rocking a side pony (is this back?) at dinner. She also accepts the overnight date. But poor Molly. She doesn’t get a proper hot tub–they have to soak in the bathtub. Jason remarks, “The way she holds me–it’s like true caring.” He is a poet. Anyway, she, too, professes her love, tears up, the whole nine.

Now it’s time for our girl Melissa. Jason asks her, “You haven’t talked to your parents, have you?” And she hasn’t. But for the next 48 hours, she is compelled to tell him how close she is to her parents, how often she sees them, how her brother was a mama’s boy, the whole nine. She needn’t worry. Could this guy be more into her? Maybe it’s the pinky ring. Perhaps it’s the fact that she wore a dress that actually skimmed the knee (probably borrowed it from one of the taller girls). It very well has something to do with the fact that she looks darn good in a bikini. Whatever the case, he is smitten. He even says, “I can’t get enough of Melissa.” So, I’m bored. What’s the point? We know who wins, right?

Anyway, Melissa once again shocks and amazes with her bad taste at the rose ceremony. But Jason is a close second in a jacket that he might have borrowed from Ty (too small) and yet another bad tie. What’s the deal, ABC costumer? All the money going to the chopper? Melissa gets Rose No. 1 and Molly gets Rose No. 2. Jilly gets the boot.

So, we were watching the previews for next week and Chris said something like, “Out of respect for everyone involved, we turned off the camera”–or something like that. Anyone know what that’s about?

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