The Bachelor: Melissa Does Seattle

Can I just tell you that The Bachelor hurt my feelings this week? After the cornucopia of horror and humiliation last week, I have been anticipating Chapter V for a week–barely sleeping, wondering what jewelry Stephanie would choose, hoping that whatever malady was affecting Naomi’s thick tongue would be remedied, and so forth. And for what? A bad episode. (Not to mention the 42 pounds I gained from bean dip, red vines, M&Ms, and beer). The guhls and I were very disappointed, but let’s soldier on, shall we?

This is the episode where everyone heads to Seattle. Jason picks his kid up at his sister-in-law’s house. Question: Jason is not a widower, right? Where the heck is his ex? How come she doesn’t appear to have any custodial rights? I mean, she couldn’t, right? Because no proper mother would ever let her kid appear on that show. (Oh. No offense, Stephanie.)

Okay, so enough of that. I imagined the purpose of the trip would be for Ty to meet all the girls and give his dad feedback such as “You’re right, Dad. I never would have guessed that Melissa had breast reduction surgery.” or “Oh my heavens, Dad. What’s the story with Stephanie’s blush?” Not so. Apparently the weekend jaunt is designed solely to clue them in about what living in Seattle would be like. According to Melissa, “One of us is going to be moving there and starting our life there.” I moved to Atlanta after a fun weekend. Turns out that’s not a particularly good way to decide on a move.

So, our girl Melissa scores a first date that provided more questions than answers: Where does this woman shop? How do you decide to buy a black dress with a snake coming out of the cleavage? How come she asks, “Can I put on my stretchy pants?” and then changes into Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader hot pants? I totally understand why Jason doesn’t want anyone to meet his kid right away, but is it less creepy to let Melissa look in on him while he’s sleeping? And perhaps the question we struggled with most: Does Melissa have a tramp stamp? We debated whether it was a tattoo or her microphone.

Okay, the group date. I don’t want to talk about anyone other than Stephanie. The furry vest with the sparkly shirt plus what appears to be the crown jewels? And then the radio show? When she talked about wanting to please her man in the bedroom? The way she kissed his hands and face during the skanky kissing contest and said she was all about “tenderness and softness”? I ran screaming from the room. (Well, walked. Remember, I was pretty full.)

So, Naomi gets the final date at what appears to be an REI or Oshmans or whatever. So weird. They climb a wall, and she remarks (in her thick-tongue cadence) “Today I climbed a wall–and some walls came down.” Later, they retired in the sportswear department by a fire (?), and she talked about her kooky family (and oh boy, her mother doesn’t look like she’s going to disappoint next week!). Jason pretended to think hard.

Anyway, Stephanie got the boot and then some lame speech where Jason got choked up and said, “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, both outside and in.” He still digs Melissa. He asked Chris (Poor Chris. Doesn’t he look so over it? That’s what happens when you sell your soul to the devil/ABC), “Is she too good to be true? Can someone be that perfect for me?” He must think so as she received Rose No. 2.

I’m hopeful that next week will be much better. And where the heck is Deanna? I’m beginning to think that might have been an unwise pick since the twist is going to be that she comes back…to interview as Ty’s au pair.

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