Last night, it was my turn to host the guhls for The Bachelor. As the editor of D Home, you can imagine that I have an incredible abode–think frat house meets homeless shelter. (Less is so more these days.) Anyway, that aside, we battened down the hatches, cracked open the Coors Lights, and settled in for our favorite educational program ever. Jump if you’re interested in my take, speculation, and pure gossip.
The theme of the night: humiliation. The night kicked off with a challenge where the girls literally had to sing for their supper–in this case a burger and fries in the backyard of Jason’s rental house, but whatever. The best one in my opinion: Stephanie. Her operatic rendition of “You’re so sweet when you talk to me” was brilliant. Unfortunately, Jason went with Molly, who explained that she’s ready to be a mom. “I’ve done a lot in my life thus far.” She’s 24.
The humiliation didn’t end with the sing off. ABC obviously hates women, so they planned a terrible group date on the set of General Hospital. The girls all got to play some sort of crazed lover of Dr. Jason. Perhaps Naomi put it best when she said something like, “I’m a maid because I’m a whore.” Megan had on some silly seductress outfit and caused me to throw up a little while watching her maul Jason’s face. And Shannon. My. God. Poor Shannon. Let’s just say she didn’t have to play crazy, she knows it. No Emmy Award necessary.
But the wrap party was where the wheels really fell off. Shannon loses her mind and rambles a stream of consciousness that includes, “You can’t cut me….I’m putting my heart on my shoulder…Come home with me….I want to meet Ty.” After breaking down, she digs for gold forever in her nose with a handkerchief and attempts the most awful kiss ever with Jason. Lauren has apparently read some terrible back issue of Cosmo and confused “be the boss in the bedroom” with “be a rude boss all the time.” What the heck happened to her? Megan has her handbag with her for some odd reason. (Maybe she knew she was out.) And I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: there is no way that woman is 25.
Our girl former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Melissa (or “Pinky” as we like to call her) was having a bad day, too. First of all, the hairdo. Weird poof, right? And what’s the deal with all the jewelry? Sure she’s no Stephanie. But one necklace will do, lady. She cries at the wrap party, and tells Jason, “Apparently, I’ve fallen for you.” She also says something like, “I’m a little things kind of girl.” And apparently, Jason has little things to offer, as she gets the first rose.
Here’s the deal, there is talk that they’re engaged, but we’ve heard that she’s been in touch with an ex-boyfriend, so we’re reserving judgment. So, Katie, don’t spend that money just yet, honey.