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What Happens After Eating 50 Burgers in Two Months?

Our writer sacrificed his body to find the finest burgers in burger-crazy North Texas. Here's what happened.
| |Photography by Scott Semler
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Heim's burger. Scott Semler

Every great hamburger starts with the bread. It’s maybe not the most important element, if you had to single one out, but the bread is the first thing to meet your lips and teeth. Plus you couldn’t pick the thing up without the bread. Above all, a burger is a sandwich.

Nick Rallo, a Dallas writer with an artery-clogging death wish, tackled this month’s cover story for D Magazine. I got to wondering how many burgers he ate for the assignment and how he survived it. Here’s what he said:

“What’s the collective noun for a lot of cheeseburgers? I ate a forest of burgers. I ate a Baywatch of smashed burgers. A symposium of them. 

“A few years back, when I was carving away at a burger column at the Dallas Observer, I learned the beauty of the half-eat. Half a burger saves lives, and the other half of the order, including the fries, goes back to my wife. ‘I’m coming home with a burger-half’ is a common expression at my house. Otherwise, as an Italian American with blood prone to pump fast and carry cholesterol like emotional baggage, I’d be feeling like the guy in RoboCop who fell into the acid pit. It can actually take a nutritional toll. You have to train like Bruce Wayne would with the League of Shadows. 

“It’s looking like I meaningfully consumed (not, like, a bite or a test or a sample) 45 to 50 burgers in two months.”

“In December, I was trying or retrying (some of these burgers are like old friends that I visit occasionally) three burgers a week. In January, the schedule was the same, with the added bonus of a couple of weekend burgers. (OK, they’re starting to add up now.) Oh! Then the lunch burgers. There were definitely days that consisted of lunch and evening burgers. At that point, you have to sacrifice the French fries for one of those things you’ve read about called ‘vegetables.’ 

“All in all, it’s looking like I meaningfully consumed (not, like, a bite or a test or a sample) 45 to 50 burgers in two months. Fifty-two if you consider that I bookended this whole project with drive-in runs to Keller’s.”

I’m sure you can see what I’ve done here. With these concluding words and the few that I wrote at the top, I’ve built you a Nick Rallo tea sandwich. Just a couple of tasty bites to tide you over until you arrive at the full meal, which is online today. While you’re with us, though, the May issue also delivers a breakdown of North Texas omakase restaurants and a review of a wonderful Indian place. So pace yourself. (And subscribe!)


This story originally ran in the May 2024 issue of D Magazine with the headline, “Get the Ozempic. We’re Here to Test Your Resolve.” Write to [email protected].

Author

Tim Rogers

Tim Rogers

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Tim is the editor of D Magazine, where he has worked since 2001. He won a National Magazine Award in…
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