Thursday, September 29, 2022 Sep 29, 2022
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Humor

For $100,000 I Will Name Your Yacht

Pretty self explanatory, right?
By For $100,000 I Will Name Your Yacht Laura Kostelny | |Image Courtesy of Shutterstock
name your yacht
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Because I’m always looking to make a buck, I’m inspired by local professional name-dropper Taylor Humphrey. For $10,000, she provides parents with a personalized list of names that can also be found in The Complete Book of Baby Names for $9,991 less. From a recent New Yorker article: “A client who was Lebanese and French reached out from the hospital with an emergency request. She would be raising her child in America and needed a name that worked across all three cultures. Humphrey quickly emailed a list of 50 names. The client chose her top recommendation: Chloe.” 

Look, anyone can name a kid Chloe. My plan is to dip my toe into deeper waters. The most common yacht names are beyond boring: Carpe Diem, My Way, and Spirit? No. It’s beyond tragic that a floating palace could share a name with a now-defunct Southwest Airlines in-flight magazine. I’m here to help. For a mere $100,000, I’ll handcraft a bespoke name for your yacht. To give you a taste of my quality work, here are some artisanal name canapés for Dallas billionaires. 

Kelcy Warren. Locals know the 66-year-old billionaire thanks to Klyde Warren Park, named for his son. Warren is the chairman of Energy Transfer Partners. Following are two yacht names I’ve chosen for him. Still the One: the 1976 hit song by Orleans feels very much in his wheelhouse, and in 2020 he earned a Forbes Philanthropy Score of 1, putting him in the lowest tier of philanthropy efforts by billionaires. (Maybe they don’t count parks?) Splendor in the Gas: if you’re not constantly giving a funny nod to the natural gas that made you unspeakably rich, what did you even do it all for?

Jerry Jones. The almost-80-year-old owner of the Dallas Cowboys already owns a superyacht called Bravo Eugenia (yawn!) that features two helipads and a spa. It was named after his wife. But he can certainly afford another, and this is a man who seems like he would enjoy a side yacht. Hung Jerry: it’s cheeky and braggy—just like Jerry! And his lawyers will love it. Jonesing for Number Six: there are worse ways to spend money than on a floating Super Bowl vision board.  

Trevor Rees-Jones. People from Dallas hear this name and immediately think “billionaire,” “noted philanthropist,” or “oil and gas.” Literally everyone everywhere else thinks of Princess Diana’s bodyguard. You know what will change that? A super cool superyacht. A Crude Awakening: small yachts burn about 130 gallons of fuel an hour while idling. But thanks to Rees-Jones’ professional pursuits, he can supersize, keep moving, and still make money every time he needs to refuel. Slippery When Wet: it’s practical, and this man loves Bon Jovi.

Robert Rowling. Diversification is important. Exclusively naming boats for people who have made billions in oil and gas is boring. Rowling does not solve that problem, but I would still take him on as a client because he owns Gold’s Gym and Omni Hotels. The Gun Show: in the photos of Rowling I’ve seen, he’s always in a suit, so I don’t know how cut he is. But what could be finer than saying, “Welcome to The Gun Show,” every time guests arrive? Strike Force: a cool name that means many things to many people. For some, it’s the 1981 action-packed show starring Robert Stack; for others, it’s the panel Rowling served on to reopen Texas after the pandemic lockdown.