Tim Rogers

Humor

More Thoughts on That Gun-Toting White Rock Cyclist

And maybe a few other things.

“Hey, man, look at this pic I took the other day at White Rock.”

“Wow! I can’t believe it. You were actually exercising?”

“Unlike you, I don’t stay thin by eating just once a day and drinking only vodka.”

“Fair enough. Did you see his XDM?”

“XDM? The hell you talking about? Look at his sneakers, man. That dude is riding probably a $5,000 carbon fiber road bike. He’s wearing the complete team Trek-Segafredo kit. And, mind you, he’s not riding with six other dudes similarly attired. He’s solo. In the Lycra. On the road bike. With frickin’ platform pedals and—look at them!—Air Jordans.” 

“Sneakers? Look at his GUN, dude. I have so many problems with it. Let’s start with what he’s carrying. Let’s ignore that grip safeties are unnecessary now. But you’re carrying a full-size duty pistol for a weekend ride? He needs 19+1 ammo capacity? I’m assuming 9mm, could be .40 S&W, .45 ACP, or, heck, 10mm if he’s going bear hunting later. And no Talon grip tape? It’s hot out. His hands will be sweaty.”

“I can almost guarantee that your YouTube search history has landed you on some sort of FBI watch list.”

“And what’s with the cant of that holster? It’s no more than 10 degrees. Carrying AIWB—that’s appendix inside the waistband to you, idiot—or 3 o’clock OWB, a 90-degree cant is OK. At 4 o’clock, it needs to be 10 to 15 degrees, FBI style. But at 6, aka small of the back? Should be 20 to 40 degrees, unless you’re one of those super limber freaks who twist themselves into knots on YouTube. You know, the weird stuff YOU look at online.”

“First of all, I was looking for Cirque du Soleil tickets. But, second, none of that trigonometry gets us anywhere closer to understanding why a grown man would get so fetishistic about cycling that he basically turns it into cosplay, and yet, when it comes to one of the most important parts of the outfit, the dang shoes, instead of getting the $300 Bontrager XXXs that team Trek-Segafredo wears, he goes and puts on a pair of Air Jordans and matching socks, like he’s headed to The Cheesecake Factory to crush a Chicken Bellagio.”

“Here’s the thing about the sights on that gun. I hear people call them ‘night sights’ all the time. I don’t think those are night sights. Those are red fiber-optic front sights with low-profile combat rear sights. I can’t tell if they’re blacked out or three-dot config. I hate three-dot. You want one bright color drawing your eye to the front sight. Although the ledge on that back sight would make for good one-handed manipulations if you needed to reload and one hand was injured. One-handed manipulation. Giggle.”

“No surprise. Most guys who are into guns, in my experience, are also very fixated on their top tube, if you catch my drift. There is a reason that Varys didn’t pack heat in Game of Thrones. So maybe that’s what’s going on here. My guy wasn’t really out for a ride around the lake. He was out at the lake looking for a ride.”

“What he was looking for was attention. That’s my major issue here. I have no problem with concealed carry, although I do have a concern that most people aren’t properly trained with firearms—another discussion for another day. But unless you’re a law enforcement officer, I have a problem with open carry. It’s a political statement. It’s not more effective for self-defense. It’s more dangerous, in fact. He’s practically begging someone to come up behind him and try to steal his gun. Although I would immediately sell that Springfield and put it toward a Langdon Tactical LTT Beretta 92 with Spartan sights and NP3 finish. Those are cherry.”

“And maybe some Gucci horse-bit leather-trimmed embroidered velvet loafers.” 

“Pow.”  

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