Humor

A Dallas Cowboys Exclusive

How Jason Garrett, Jason Witten, and Tony Romo spent their offseason.

When his wife brought it up, Tony Romo thought she was being hyperbolic, exaggerating to try to win the fight. She’d done it before. Like, just the other night, when she’d accused him of breaking his collarbone “all the time” so he wouldn’t have to help with the kids. That had only happened once, and she very well knew that.

As for what she was saying now, there was a kernel of truth to it, sure, but no way—no way—had he spent every day this offseason with his teammate Jason Witten and their coach, Jason Garrett. No, ma’am.

After Candice stormed out, though, Romo started to think about it. It had only been a couple of Mavericks games, right? The quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys has to show up at a Mavs game every now and then. Come on. That’s part of the gig. She was going to get mad over a few nights out with the boys at a basketball game?

Okay, and then there was the time they went down to Austin to see UT play Kansas back in February. But Kansas was ranked No. 1 at the time! You can’t pass up a chance like that. A guy like Antonio Ramiro Romo, a millionaire many times over and the handsome face of arguably the most visible sports franchise in the world, a guy like that might only get a dozen chances to do that in a season—max. And of course he was going to bring his friends along with him for that kind of occasion. Garrett wasn’t even there that time; he and Witten got stuck sitting with Colt McCoy. Take that, Candice.

Okay, okay, now that he thought about it some more, yeah, they’d all gone to see Duke play Gonzaga in the Elite Eight in March at NRG Stadium in Houston. But Candice knew they were huge, huge Duke fans, going all the way back to at least 2014. Duke playing in Texas? That’s a no-brainer. Gotta do it. Shoot, it would take him longer to decide to audible to a go route to Dez if he saw a match-up he liked, even if it was 4th-and-1 and the season was on the line. Whatever. Let’s dance.

But still: they were talking about a few games. That’s not “every day of the offseason.” Yeah, fine, he and Garrett and Witten did go to see Bruce Springsteen at Madison Square Garden that time, but it was Coach’s 50th birthday. There is nothing better to get a middle-aged white guy even tangentially involved with sports than tickets to see The Boss. And at Madison Square Garden!

What was she getting so steamed about? he thought. So what if he, Garrett, and Witten formed a workout club and called it TJ Maxx? Big deal. So what if riding bikes around White Rock Lake was a part of the TJ Maxx program? That’s just a smart way to keep his knees from taking a pounding. And so what if they decided to buy a three-man tandem bicycle to do those lake rides? If Candice couldn’t see the humor in that, she was obviously not the same woman he married.

And so what if, one morning after a ride around White Rock, they stopped off at a farmers market, and after loading up on Zip Code Honey, okra, and a couple of flats of succulents, they noticed someone had brought some cats and dogs that needed to be adopted, and there was a little calico kitten who caught the eye of all three of them, and her name was Janet, of all things, and that was weird and kind of perfect, so they decided to adopt her together and split custody, but none of them could stick to the schedule they came up with, so they all ended up watching her as a group, just at a different house, giggling as she’d chase a laser pointer and—

Oh, man, Romo thought. He had spent every day this offseason with them.

“Candice!” he called to his wife, handing Janet to Witten as he left the room.

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