Before the season, tell everyone that this is the year the ’Boys go back to the Super Bowl, while secretly harboring the belief that the team isn’t good enough to go better than 8-8. Or sadly concede they won’t go better than 8-8, while secretly harboring the belief that they are definitely winning the Super Bowl. Once the season starts, wildly change your opinion on their fortunes every two games. Jerry Jones is your biggest rival. Get a jersey, if only to get a 10 percent discount at Albertsons on game days.
Take some time before the season to learn the names of the eight new players that joined the team over the summer. Get prematurely optimistic after a surprisingly strong start to the season. Remind people that “just getting into the playoffs is all that matters” when the shine wears off around Game 30. Mark Cuban will say something crazy, so keep your shrugging muscles in shape. Your biggest rivals are the San Antonio Spurs and the unstoppable march of time. A Dirk shirsey will do fine.
Unless you are some sort of supervillain that feeds on the sun’s energy, don’t even think about going to the ballpark after May. Unless the team is in contention, then maybe go back in late September. Practice smiling and shaking your head while saying “Oh, Elvis,” because the team’s shortstop will make you do that, for better or worse, at least once a game. Your biggest rivals are the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in California, USA, and soul-crushing heat. Get a Rangers hat. You can wear them with anything.
Do you like hockey? Awesome, that’s what they play. You’re probably going to go no matter what. Are you not that familiar with the Stars, or even the sport in general? You’re fine—it will never, ever come up. They’re maybe the best team in town right now, but it doesn’t matter. Listen to Stars broadcaster Daryl “Razor” Reaugh when he calls in to The Ticket once a week, and you’ll be fine. Get a retro North Stars watch cap and wear it for the week every year when it’s cold enough.