The Best Holiday Gift Guide Ever

Sorry. Never mind. We were thinking of a different magazine.

Over the past few months, starting in about, oh, July, many of you helpful public-relations professionals have sent emails asking whether we are publishing a holiday gift guide this year and, if so, suggesting items to include therein. Thank you for reaching out. I’m sorry I couldn’t respond to each of you individually, but I’d like to provide that feedback here, in sort of a “reply all” fashion, if I may. 

First, yes, I am doing well. And, more specifically, my week is going well. My wife pulled her Honda Pilot into a parking spot that was too small for her car and scraped some paint off another vehicle. Looks like our insurance company is going to have to get involved on this one. But these things do happen. Honestly, I feel like her mistake gives me a little leeway to screw something up, maybe over-serve myself at the next dinner party we attend, make an off-color remark without fear of recrimination, that sort of thing. It’s funny. This week, my 16-year-old son had car trouble, too. He blew a tire when another driver forced him into a curb. That’s what he told me, anyway. I believe him. I mean, I guess I believe him. What choice do I have? It’s not like I have surveillance video that I can confront him with. Worst-case scenario: he’s lying. He did something careless, and he got a good scare that might keep him from getting hurt down the road. And he learned how to change a flat tire. Anyway, my week is going well. My own car is fine.

Now, let’s have a look at some of your gift guide ideas. I was intrigued by the Grand Marnier Cordon Rouge Gift Pack until I saw that it would include Grand Marnier’s Raspberry Peach. That sounds horrible. Who drinks that? Ten-year-olds? We’d never include that in a gift guide—if we were doing a gift guide. This year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

I can imagine, as you say, that wearable art from Wild Hair Alpacas is a sure favorite with fiber lovers. I’m not questioning your claim. I just don’t like the term “fiber lovers.” Calls to mind the vegan couple I know that serves kale every time we have dinner at their house. Plus, this year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

Your pitch: “Ca’ del Bosco could be considered! It’s a thoughtful and delicious gift (high-end Italian ‘Franciacorta’ sparkling wine), comes in such pretty packaging, and, as a side note, George Clooney is a HUGE fan.” My response: liar! “Franciacorta” is not a word. Tomorrowland sucked. And this year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

Singer-songwriter and children’s book author Nancy Guettier sounded intriguing, especially after you told me that she has a whimsical and fun style that makes learning effortless. Her book Mermaids on Mars, for personal reasons, caught my eye. Then I read your description: “Mermaids thrived in Mars’ crater pools and used up all of the water resources, splashing around. Thanks to a very cool rocket ship, the mermaids traveled to Earth and settled in our oceans. Mermaids on Mars also helps children learn the importance of water conservation.” Don’t take this wrong. But if we published a holiday gift guide that included this book, we’d lose every single subscriber we have. Moot point, though, because this year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

Tata Harper Redefining Body Balm. As much as our readers might wish to minimize the appearance of unwanted stretch marks, this year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

Tegu, the “eco friendly and sustainable, heirloom quality magnetic wooden toy blocks.” If they aren’t artisanal, I’m out. Not sure if you’ve heard, but this year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

Nununu, the “uber hip children’s fashion brand known for its darker aesthetic and distressed threads.” I hate you. Why are you trying to turn children into cutters? This year we are not doing a holiday gift guide.

It’s awesome that in the past two decades the World Vision Gift Catalog has enabled more than 790,000 donors to give livestock, clean water, and educational opportunities, touching 7.3 million lives. But $75 for a goat? Seems like that would be much cheaper on Amazon Prime. Thanks for thinking of us. Maybe you can circle back next year, when we again will not do a holiday gift guide.

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