Craigslist’s Missed Connections

To celebrate Valentine’s Day, here is a collection of poignant posts recently made to the Dallas-area section of the online classifieds site.

illustration by Brian Ajhar

121 Tollway About 4:45, m4w (Frisco)
We both were driving white vehicles. Let’s talk…

Best Sex of My Life, m4w, 25 (Rockwall)
I met a sexy short Hispanic massage therapist. We dated for, like, 60 days. It was really the best sex of my life. You are such a naughty girl. We ended out of nowhere, and I still think of you from time to time. When we met I had nothing for me. I actually have a license now and own my own car, a sweet 2004 GTO with a 6-speed, such a blast to drive. I work hard and hope to keep climbing the ladder. I wonder what you’re up to these days. I hope you’re doing well and read this.

Cruising Electronics at Costco, m4m, 47 (DFW area Costco)
I was in the TV electronics area of Costco today, and I was watching you operate a device with a remote. I did not know anything about it and started asking you some questions since you seemed to know more about it than I did. My eyes locked into your eyes, and I felt chemistry between us. We had a brief discussion and I became speechless and felt awkward, not knowing what to say next. We both went our own way in the store, and I noticed you in the refrigerated produce room later. I wanted to talk to you and perhaps meet for lunch and explore this further. I just don’t have the nerve to make a move on another man in public. You were similar to me in age, physique (we’re both stocky), and you had a handsome face and striking salt-and-pepper hair. To identify you, what device were you using the remote on, and what did we talk about? Anything notable about me? You are a hot man and I hope (by remote chance) you see this ad.

Our Love Will Create an Avatar World, m4w
I saw you today, Hershey Bar. I didn’t expect such a classy lady to be at the Parks mall, but I guess when you ignore the linoleum floor, it’s not so bad. You were buying some serial-killer type stuff at the mall. At first, I thought you were purchasing something for a friend, but when I overheard your finger mutilation story, I knew you were shopping for yourself. I really enjoyed stalking you for the rest of the day. I enjoyed hearing your jokes about your whore Mexican friend at Auntie Anne’s while you worked it in your heel-boot oxymoron.
I thought I lost you in the midst of perfume mist at Dillard’s, but then I saw you again. I was headed north on Cooper, you were headed south. When I saw you, Chocolate Love, I had to make a U-turn. Unfortunately, we almost crashed. I really hope I didn’t cause your pretzel to fall. Sorry about that. I hope that didn’t ruin anything. But I know this will work out. My psychic told me today.

Pink Victoria’s Secret Pants, m4w (24 Hour Fitness/Little Elm)
You had black hair. Just had to let you know you made my workout.

Funeral Home Guy, m4m, 36 (Arlington Hospital)
You were the amazingly hot dude that came in with a much older guy this morning. I helped you all try to find someone, but you guys were in the wrong location. When you guys did find out, we all laughed, and you all went on your way, but I couldn’t stop staring at your sexy smile. Tell me more details so that I know it was you.

Whole Foods Butcher, w4m (Preston & Park Blvd.)
I’ve seen you (late 30s/early 40s, brown hair, mustache, Rangers hoodie) a few times. Love your smile and how helpful you always are!

Office Depot Account Manager, w4m (Irving)
Brad, it’s been awhile since I’ve spoke with you, and I still think about you from time to time. I used to love when you would come by and you always complimented me on my shoes 🙂 If by chance you get this and are single, I would love to talk after regular business hours 🙂

I Sold You a Wii for $50, m4w, 27 (Dallas)
We had a great conversation and I thought you were really beautiful. I would have asked for your number, but my boss was right next to me. I would like to get to know you better. Tell me where you work at.

Father and Son Fake Tree at Target, w4m, 35 (Flower Mound)
You were looking at Xmas stuff with your son at Target. You bought a tree. I was there with my two kids, with short auburn hair. You were wearing a hat and glasses and a black hoodie. Your face and your voice just struck a chord with me. I didn’t notice a ring. We kinda walked down the aisle together toward the checkout. My daughter dropped her Santa hat on the ground. You made your son carry all your stuff, even though someone offered you a cart. We were smiling, both of us tickled with the kids. It was just awesome for that moment. I wish I had talked to you.

My Heart Vomits, m4w, 35 (Target, Belt Line)
That’s right. I saw what you did. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for moms, but I saw you throw your kid’s diaper into the Target parking lot, and that is DISGUSTING. The parking lot is not your trash can. The TRASH CAN is your trash can, and you were 5 feet from one. I couldn’t help saying something to you as I walked by, especially since I almost tripped over the stinking thing as you flung it directly at my feet. I couldn’t believe someone would do something like that—but then I looked into your beautiful eyes and felt a spark between us. That’s chemistry, baby, and there’s no denying chemistry.

True, I shouldn’t have compared your actions to whatever was in that diaper. And I probably shouldn’t have told your kid that pooping in public is terrible and wrong. That’s none of my business. I also hope you can forgive me for dry heaving as your naked child urinated on the car seat.

Eventually I did walk away, but now I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to see you again and get to know you. Your kid is actually pretty cute, aside from all the excrement. Hit me up, and I’ll give you a chance to apologize. Then we can find our happily ever after.

illustration by Brian Ajhar

Starbucks, m4w, 50 (Plano, Custer Rd.)

I’ve seen you there several times. I love your sense of style, the way you dress. You’re a very attractive woman. If you might be interested, give me a sign, a wink perhaps.

Denise, You Drive a Truck, m4w (Arlington)
Denise, you are an incredible woman. Your husband cooks barbecue. You like hanging out at your pool. You have an amazing body. I’m your secret admirer.

Hey! You in the Glasses! m4m, 25 (Green Line, Fair Park to Pearl)
You got on at the Fair Park station and sat across the aisle from me. You were a REALLY cute guy in glasses. I took a few furtive glances, but I’m really bad at eye flirting. I was wearing a gray coat, scarf, and hat. We both got off at Pearl Street, and you sort of cleared your throat a lot for some reason. If you noticed me and would like to chat, send me an email telling me what large noticeable object I carried in my hand(s).

Shell on Blvd. 26, Pantera Was Playing, w4m (North Richland Hills)
You were in front of me at the gas station when I was about to buy a Monster. I noticed the Shell was finally playing some decent music because Pantera’s “Walk” was blasting. I said, “Wow, y’all have finally upgraded your music for once!” or something similar, and you were all, “I know, right!!” Just thought you were pretty chill, not even tryin’ to hook up or anything. Just figured you’d be pretty chill to have as a friend. Hope you see this someday and jot me an email.

White Girl Who Flashed Black Guy, m4w, 32 (Lewisville, Summit)
I was a tall black guy walking down Summit, and you passed by in a black SUV and flashed me. If you get this and remember, send me a message.

We Keep Meeting at Odd Times, m4w, 40 (DFW Airport)
Hi, you’re a cute, petite gate agent for American Eagle. We work together. Every time you see me, you say “Hello” and give me a nice smile. I have never had the nerve to talk in-depth with you, besides exchanging short pleasantries. I know you are originally from Fresno, California, and you fly home occasionally. You’ve been working weekends.

Unfortunately, I am married. I don’t know if you’re judgmental on that issue. Your first initial, if I’m not mistaken, is an H.
I doubt you look at this site, but if you have an idea, get back to me. Let me buy you some lunch.

NorthPark Food Court, m4w, 21 (NorthPark Center)
You work at Toni & Guy. Saw you at Original SoupMan. We we were both eyeing each other pretty hard. I just wanna kick it this weekend NSA. What was I wearing?

Toni & Guy NorthPark, m4w (NorthPark Mall)
You were sitting in the chair to my right while I was getting my hair cut. You caught my gaze for a second, but since you were so beautiful, I looked away. I think you might be a little bit older than me, but I would love to buy you a drink. I have to say I absolutely love your hair, especially the “drapey thing” you got going on. I know this may seem totally weird that I put this on here, but for some reason I just caught a good vibe from you that I thought about all the drive home.
Hope the universe is on my side, and you see this and email me back : )

Dallas Symphony Tonight, w4m (Meyerson)
You were playing the violin right in front of the piano. I could not stop watching you play. I was there for a friend’s holiday party and sitting in the front. I thought you looked and smiled. If so, email me.