On the recent occasion of my 35th birthday, my dear, sweet, loving wife gave me my first cell phone. I know that must shock you, that I made it this far, rose to such a powerful station in life, without a cell phone. I mean, I write jokes for the back page of a glossy city magazine, for God’s sake. But I never felt I needed one. My office has a phone. My house has a phone. When I’m not at work or at home, I’m with friends. They all have cell phones and are eager to loan them to me. Plus, I’m cheap. Cell phones aren’t free.
That’s what I used to think. Now I know better. Sure, the minutes and text messages can add up, but you really can’t put a price on those. Having a cell phone has changed my life. It has made me more efficient and has enabled me to remain in touch when I’m on the go. Now my wife can reach me anytime. And not only can she reach me anytime, but she can also reach me anywhere. For instance, I made an unscheduled stop at Hibiscus the other evening on the way home from work because a friend called to tell me Don Nelson was sitting at the bar. I was on the go, yet I was in touch. And, bingo, my wife was able to call me at Hibiscus. Twice.
And then there’s this text messaging stuff. How come nobody ever told me about texting? What an enormously useful tool. I was just going through my “sent items” folder, deleting the hundreds of items I sent during the first couple of weeks I had the phone. Here are some of the actual items I sent. They are a representative sample:
9:18:42 pm, 05/07/05: Keep us informed of developments this evening, sir. And try not to throw up. Again.
I know. I’ve already been told by more than one recipient of my text messages that my messages are too formal and employ too much punctuation. I’ll work on that. But you can see here that I was doing important work with that text message. If memory serves, a recently divorced friend was on a dinner date with two lasses. He’d thrown up earlier in the day. My advice to him was of a timely nature and needed to be delivered during his meal.
9:56:22 pm, 05/10/2005: I’m at home. Please call.
I sent this message to another friend. I can’t remember why I needed him to call me at home. But I’m sure it was crucial that he do so.
9:10:38 pm, 05/11/2005: Still feeling punk?
A co-worker had taken ill and had gone home early. I was concerned.
12:43:53 pm, 05/12/2005: God, how I miss you. I’m so f—ing hot for you. When you get back to town, let’s get some coke and go crazy! You’re so f—ing hot.
Did you hear those Pat O’Brien tapes? I was a little behind the curve with this joke. But it was still funny. And I did miss the friend I sent it to. I thought he needed to know that immediately.
2:50:28 pm, 05/14/2005: I just realized that you owe me $4. I gave you that much for beef jerky the other night. You never brought me the jerky.
Without a cell phone, I might never have recovered that $4. Depending on your beef jerky consumption, a cell phone practically pays for itself.
6:15:51 pm, 05/19/2005: At Old Monk if you’re done with her before poker.
It’s not like it sounds. The friend to whom I sent that message was interviewing someone. That someone was a female.
6:34:43 pm, 05/19/2005: You playing tonight? What time are cards in the air? Why am I the only one at the Monk?
6:44:32 pm, 05/19/2005: There’s a new bartender at the Monk. She looks like Drew Barrymore. She’s wearing a bowler. And she has enormous boobs.
7:19:55 pm, 05/19/2005: Were you aware that I now have a cell phone?
Mind you, each of these messages was sent to a different friend. So I was totally in touch.
9:58:19 pm, 05/19/2005: I am right now thinking about your huge guns.
By then, I was sitting at the poker table, sending text messages to a friend at the poker table. That friend has huge biceps.
10:36:36 pm, 05/19/2005: Hey, look over here. I’m just to your left.
10:45:53 pm, 05/19/2005: When is the last time you played a hand?
11:47:57 pm, 05/19/2005: F— you.
11:53:13 pm, 05/19/2005: Do we have a baby-sitter for Fri nite? I asked Terri, but she’s out.
First, I abbreviated “Fri,” which was pretty savvy. Saved me three letters. And check out “nite.” But, more important, there I was, playing poker while simultaneously communicating with my wife—who was ASLEEP! Man, I love this thing.
Thank you, honey.
