What They Didn’t Tell Me When I Moved to Dallas

WE DECIDED TO DRIVE DOWN FROM ST. Louis, stopping at back-road BBQ joints in three states along the way. Singing off-key renditions of Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again,” we were the quintessential Yankee city dwellers, seeking our Texas adventure. We didn’t have a clue.

In Dallas, you’re either a native, a transplant or a newcomer. The transition from newcomer to transplant creeps up on you, and before you know it you’re peppering your conversation with “Aren’t you sweet?” and taking a sweater to restaurants when it’s 100 degrees in the shade.

Other things no one told me when I moved here…

That August lasts forever. OK, moving to Dallas in August is not smart, but the month has 31 days. It’ll be over, right? Sure, sometime in October. By August, the city has been baking in 90-degree temperatures for two months and it doesn’t cool off at night. Cars parked in lots in the afternoon sun become ovens. Steering wheels burn your hands even if you use a goofy accordion visor. And if you think you can cool off in a swimming pool, by August the water is warmer than your average bath.

That if you want an old home, tell your real estate agent exactly what you mean by old. To us, old meant casement windows that you open with a crank and a special door for the iceman to deliver ice for the icebox. Our agent took us to subdivisions with houses built 15 to 20 years ago.

That if you like big houses and hate garden work, you’re in the right place. Some of Dallas’ newest subdivisions have big homes with lawns and gardens the size of postage stamps. They’re built so close together that if you stand at the corner and look down the street, they look like one long, snaking apartment complex.

That the same amount of money that will buy you a matchbox home up North will buy you a home large enough to convince the folks back home that you’re enormously successfu.

That wood-shingle roofs, which up North are a status symbol, are considered fire hazards here and make your insurance rates higher.

That there are only a few basements in Dallas. So forget sentiment and sell Aunt Lessie’s antique “I’ll-get-around-to-refin-ishing-it-someday” kitchen cupboard at the garage sale before you move.

That you have to water your house. That’s right, when the summer is most miserable, if your lawn doesn’t have built-in water sprinklers, you’ll have to stand outside with a garden hose and soak the foundation. If you don’t, you risk a cracked foundation, causing the house to tilt-or worse.

That those sissy use-them-every-once-in-a-while electric edgers can’t tackle Texas grass. The stuff sends out shoots that will bury your sidewalk if you don’t fight back with the right tools. Buy a heavy duty gas-powered edge.

That there are lots of critters in Dallas. You’ll see cute green reptilian ones scurry up the walls when you’re watering your house. Other large roach-type creatures crawl out of the bathtub drain. And on fall mornings, you might walk into your kitchen to find small armies of roly-poly bugs marching across the linoleum.

That Dallasites, as a rule friendly and helpful, turn into absolute lunatics in their cars. If you want to change lanes, make your move and dart in front of someone or be resigned to stay where you are.

That when your traffic light turns green, do not assume that you can go. Look at cross-traffic first. If there are teenage drivers in your family, take away their car keys until you’re sure they understand this.

●That if you use the Dallas North Toll way and accidentally drive up to a correct-change tollbooth and don’t have the correct change, absolutely do not get out of the car and attempt to get change from a staffed tollbooth. This might work elsewhere, but it’ll kill you here. Throw in whatever you have-preferably more than the loll, Rumor has it that if you don’t, a machine will take a picture of your license plate and a ticket will arrive in the mai

●That it doesn’t rain in Dallas. It pours, Avoid driving in hail storms-that stuff dents your car! If you can’t get out of a storm, you might find small comfort in knowing that they have body shops that specialize in repairing hail dents.

●That when it’s 105 degrees in Dallas, they ice skate at the Galleria.

●That it’s freezing in restaurants and malls when it’s blistering outdoors. Take a sweate

●That schools close if there’s a threat of snow or if the rain might turn icy. And they think a dusting offtakes is snow, Dallasites love to tell you about the coldest winter, when it was below freezing for more than 30 days. Remind them that freezing is 32 degrees Fahrenhei

●That although Dallas women (and some men) wear fur coats when it dips below 60, you’ll burn up in your toasty insulated winterwea

●That many shops and movie theaters have mall addresses. If you don’t know where specific malls are, you’re out of luck. On top of that, some malls are behind other buildings. Try finding the NorthPark East Cinema 3-4 with a kid in the car who wants to see a movie that started five minutes ago.

●That they plant pansies in October. When the rest of the country is pulling gardens to rest for the winter, Dallas is ready to bloom again.

And finally, nobody told me that when I’d call for a mammogram appointment, some stranger on the other end of the phone would ask if I have breast implants. They also didn’t tell me that nobody in Dallas finds this odd!

Welcome to Dallas.