BEST & WORST

Adios, 1991. it was a very.. strange year. d mAGAZINE’S annual best & worst issue, of course, has its own quasi-crypto-pseudo-metaphysical, philosophical raison d’etre-oR reason for being, for those who, like wendy reves. do not trust the french. Everything must be sum-up-able in Best & Worst’s timeless formula: worst ego story, best new diaper service, most Irritating Media Gimmick, Funny (Bobby) Valentine Story, BEST REASON TO SPLATTER YOUR COFFE ALL OVER YOUR WINDSHIELD, BEST BRAIN TUNEUP, BEST CHINESE BUFFET, SLEAZIEST HOAX, AND SO ON.

THAT STUFF WE CAN HANDLE. BUT HOW TO SUM UP All ENTIRE YEAR? MON DlEU! (SORRY, WENDY). ESPECIALLY A YEAR IN WHICH DANNY FAULKNER FELL, BOB TILTON TILTER, ROY TARPLEY BLEW IT, WENDY REVES WAS ROBBED OF JEWELS THAT EITHER WERE OR WEREN’T WORTH A FOR TUNE, THE COWBOYS ROARED BACK TO LIFE, DIME RAGS-DALE STORMED OFF THE ClTY Council STAGE-YEAH, IT WAS THAT KIND OF YEAR. HAIL AND FAREWELL, ’91. HARD TO BELIEVE, BUI D MAGAZINE’S BEST & WORST TURNS 15 YEARS OLD THIS TIME AROUND. AH, THE PRIME OF ADOLESCENCE…

IF YOU’RE TINGLING WITH DEIA VU (LAST ONE, PROMISE). CALM DOWN. YES, YOU HAVE READ THOSE WORDS BEFORE. YOU READ THEM LAST YEAR. WHEN AND MAGAZINE STAFFER WAS ASSIGNED TO FIND OUT JUST HOW MANY YEARS WE’D BEEN COMPILING THIS ANNUAL GAFFEFEST. AFTER LENGTHY RESEARCH, HE CONCLUDED THAT B & W WAS CELEBRATING ITS 15TH BIRTHDAY. HE WAS WRONG: THIS IS THE 15TH ANNIVERSARY YEAR OF BEST & WORST. AS FOR THE STAFFER, HIS EXCITING 35,000-WIRD FEATURE ON THE INCREASING USE OF AN ASPHALT-MOLYBDENUM MIXTURE TO REPAIR CRACKED SIDEWALKS IS DUE ANY DAY NOW.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO WHAT IS ALWAYS THE REAL REASON FOR BEST & WORST: LAUGHTER. IF WE CAN’T LAUGH AT OUR OWN PRATFALLS AND SCREW-UPS, WHOSE CAN WE LAUGH AT? YOURS? OKAY.

Politics

PREVAILING WINDBAGS

MOST TIRELESS: A City Council study of five council meetings found that the biggest talkers were members Jim Buerger (148 minutes) and Al Lipscomb (122). At the silent end was Charles Tandy (30).



TRANSFORMATION

WORST: Forrest Smith, a button-down moderate who had never mentioned gun control during his decades of civic service, suddenly discovered the issue when he ran for mayor.



HONKY CHUTZPAH

WORST: Political consultant Lorilee Bartos, an Anglo, called black council candidate Charlotte Mayes “an Uncle Tom.”



WAY TO BUILD NAME I.D.

BAD: Mayoral candidate Kathryn Cain hit a bump when her boyfriend, developer Craig Hall, was jailed for not paying almost $142,000 in wife and child support. Then it was revealed that Hall lent and gave Cain $25,000.

WORSE: A process server accused Cain of hiding Hall at her home and said that he saw her through a peephole warning Hall of his presence.



LITTLE WHITE LIE

WORST: In a mud-spattered runoff election, city council member Diane Ragsdale accused her black opponent of running as a “white woman” who represented “the worst of white power.” Ragsdale was narrowly defeated.



THE WHOLE PRICE CATALOG

BAD: Commissioner John Wiley Price, on a radio talk show, announced that he was taking a urine test to prove he wasn’t on steroids. He tested negative.

WORSE: Price attacked a jogger who cut through his perennial picket line outside WFAA Channel 8.

VIOLENT: Later that day. Price fought with a worker helping to film the movie Ruby, breaking the man’s ankle.

SILLY: After numerous police warnings. Price jay walked more than 20 times and was again arrested.

INSUFFICIENT: Price volunteered for psychological testing to prove his sanity.

Political Furniture

OLD: Ten-term state Rep. Sam Hudson of Dallas (admit it, you never heard of him) proved he was alive by actually passing a bill to regulate taxi service. EEXPENSIVE: In a year when the library’s budget was threatened, the city spent $280,000 on fancy furniture and remodeling for council members’ offices. Where’s Joe Freed when we need him?



Space Cadet Strategy

WORST: Mayoral candidate Rufus Higginbotham said that if elected, he would appoint rival Forrest Smith to handle the day-to-day chores of running the city. Some nice guys deserve to finish last.



Dis-Straussing Deed

WORST: Mayor Annette Strauss lied several times about having talked with Judge Jerry Buch-meyer about his deliberations on the 14-1 issue. She said that the judge told her to lie.

UN-WISE ACTS

BAD: Park director Frank Wise hired a non-Spanish-speaking Anglo to head a gang intervention program. Critics claimed that three-fourths of local gang members are Hispanic.

WORSE: Pressed by reporters to elaborate on his decision, Wise barked, “Do you want me to say it in Spanish? El no-no.”



CAMPAIGN PROMISE

EASIEST: In one televiseddebate, Steve Bartlett promisedthat if elected, he would notonly listen to a certainproposal, but would “lead thecouncil in listening.”

GENERAL WEIRDNESS

Fish Story Of The Year

WORST: Chris Fish claimed he and a woman had been held hostage at gunpoint by men who then forced him to jump 50 feet into the Trinity River. Later, he admitted the whole thing was made up as an excuse for being late to work. Police say he was late because he’d stolen drugs and had been pursued by an angry dealer.



Driving Ambitions

BAD: A man wanted to convert a Lancaster restaurant into a drive-through funeral home where people could wheel up, punch in a code and view the loved one from their cars. The city council denied his request.

WORST:Two teenagers pulled into the drive-through lane of a Long John Silver’s and demanded all the money-to go. They were still waiting when police arrived.



HOAX

WELL-MEANING:A Dallas

teenager who had lost a friend to AIDS pretended to be the notorious “C.J.,” a woman who claimed she was deliberately infecting men with the virus.

SLEAZY: A Lewisville woman bound her breasts and posed as a man in order to seduce teenage girls.



CASE OF JUSTICE DELAYED

BAD: Attorneys in a Dallas murder-for-hire trial took more than three months to select just five jurors.

WORST: After 7 years and two trials, ex-condo king Danny Faulkner was finally convicted of stealing $135 million from five S & Ls in land deals. It will cost taxpayers a billion dollars to bail out the looted thrifts.



SLEAZY SHEPHERDS

BAD: Less than two weeks after losing his pulpit amid confessions of adulterous affairs, the Most Hormonal Rev. Darrell Gilyard started his own new church. The flock met, fittingly, in the Hilton Hotel.

WORST: Televangelists Bob Tilton and Larry Lea were roasted on PrimeTime Live for getting rich off their flocks.



FASHION VICTIMS

WORST: A brief flap erupted when female prisoners in the Dallas County Jail complained that women, unlike men, were not issued regulation jail underwear.



WAR STORIES

LOUSY: A part-time postal employee was busted for stealing from packages bound for soldiers in the Persian Gulf.

STUPID: Four men entered the Federal Reserve Bank with a document they claimed gave them title to $33 billion belonging to Saddam Hussein. The forgery-which had the name spelled “Sadam”-fooled nobody. The men were arrested, and charges were later dropped.

HAPPY: After the war ended, more than 17,000 pounds of leftover Desert Storm chow were donated to the North Texas Food Bank.



REASON TO MISS A MEAL

GOOD: A man sued the Medieval Inn after customers paid a “serving wench” to dump a plate of steamed mussels, chicken, ribs and cocktail sauce and a pitcher of beer all over him. “This is a place where people loosen up,” said the Inn’s co-owner. “Maybe this guy was just out of place.”

BEST: A 130-pound burglar got stuck in the chimney while trying to rob a 78-year-old woman. Firefighters helped him out and turned him over to police.



Euphemism

BEST: DPS officers broke up a call girl ring that billed itself as a “stress management service.”



NEWS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

BEST: The biography for a speaker at a Dallas Institute of Humanities and Culture conference noted that “he was killed in an automobile accident in Moscow, but returned to life three days later.” Top that, Zig Ziglar.

WORST: A chronic hot check writer, in trouble again, faked a newspaper obituary to get the law off her back. It worked until a court employee found that no death certificate was on file.

SCHOOL DAZE STORIES

DUMB: History texts slated for DISD were found to contain numerous errors, including the wrong year for George Bush’s election as president.

STRANGE: A Garland middle school put the el no-no on Spanish speaking, claiming kids were cursing en espanol. The rule was quickly lifted after parents protested.

UNSPORTING: Claiming it was a gang insignia, a Carrollton high school banned the Los Angeles Raiders’ pirate insignia.

WORST: In a sicko attempt to study kids’ reactions to bad news, a Carrollton assistant principal, faking tears, announced that President Bush had been assassinated.

SOCIAL CRITIC

WORST: After holding Judge John Marshall’s family atgunpoint and murdering a newspaper carrier, rich psycho Walter Lewis Perryman III offered this analysis to a News reporter: “. . .we may all acknowledge the horrific violation of privacy that the press, public and the power of politics imposed on the Marshall home.”



EXAMPLE OF TEXAS EXCESS

BAD: A Grace Kelly pigskin handbag sold for $3,300 at Hermes in Highland Park Village.

WORST: For those affluent sorts who still dream of those bombs bursting over Baghdad, the Neiman Marcus His and Hers gift this year was a squared-back LTV Hummer, that Desert Storm Favorite-for just $50,000!



RAILEYGRAMS

FIRST: Disgraced-but-unindicted Walker Railey got a new job at a Los Angeles church.

AND THEN? In the year’s most unsurprising confession, Railey admitted his affair with Lucy Papillon.

AND THEN?The new resident of the City of the Angels got mugged outside his apartment.

AND THEN?Don’t worry. That tireless Railey-watcher, Channel 5’s Bud Gillette, will keep you posted.

POSSIBLE EFFECTS OF THELMA AND LOUISE

STRANGE: A woman wearing a fake mustache robbed a Casa Linda bank.

WEIRD: A drunken woman, ordered to leave a grocery store, brandished a fork at customers.



MIST OPPORTUNITY

BEST: Tired of that “mist” that settles on the toilet seat when men forget to raise the lid, an Arlington woman invented “Daddy’s Number One” to solve the wet-seat problem. Aesthetic it ain’t, but it could signal a breakthrough in the battle between the sexes.

FOOD & DRINK



BREAD

BEST THING TO DO WITH DAY-OLD: Give it to Armando Osorio, a.k.a. “The Bread Man,” who collects bread from bakeries and restaurants and distributes it to the homeless.

BEST PLACE TO BUY FRESH: A tie, between Francis Simun’s bakery, 3613 Greenville Ave., for organic/no yeast bread and Whole Foods Market, 2218 Greenville Ave. and 60 Dai-Rich Village in Richardson, for their sourdough/kosher version.

DELI

BEST: Henk Winnubst, former Kuby’s partner, opened his own place this year, wowing crowds immediately. The warmhearted atmosphere and the food are positively addictive. Henk’s European Deli, 5811 Blackwell Street, behind Sterling on Northwest Hwy.

HAPPY HOUR THEME

BEST: The Starlight Diner woos patrons to its roof with its Frank Sinatra Happy Hour. The view is unbeatable. Monday-Friday, 5 to 8 p.m. 2715 Elm St.



DINNER ACCOMPANIMENT

BEST: Sam Jordan’s tasty alto sax, which he plays Tuesday and Wednesday nights at Sambuca, 2618 Elm St.



ASIAN MARKET

BEST: For an adventurous shopping trip, wander through Asia World Supermarket. The aisles of sauces, oils, spices and noodles may leave you baffled, but if it’s taro root you’re after, this is the place to go. 400 N. Greenville.



NOD TO HISTORY

BEST: Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen left the Lucas B&B sign standing when it opened on the historic plot at 3520 Oak Lawn.



LUNCH TO GO

CHEAP: Jerry’s Supermarket in Oak Cliff, at the little window on the west side of the building. Order the fajitas. At $1.25 each, they are a truly sublime experience. 532 W. Jefferson.

CHEAPEST: Walk into Doug’s Drive In, go up to the glass case by the grill and holler, “One chopped.” For $1 you get one of the best chopped beef sandwiches you’ve ever tasted. 7446 E. Grand.



CHINESE FOOD

BEST FAST: General Joe’s Chopstix, 3018 Mockingbird.

BEST MALL: Manchu Wok, Collin Creek Mall.

BEST BUFFET: General China, 1920 Skillman.

BEST UPSCALE: Cafe Panda, 7979 Inwood, Suite 121.

MOST AUTHENTIC: Tasty China, 3514-A W. Walnut, Garland.



SEAFOOD

BEST GRILLED CATFISH: La Calle Doce,415 W. 12th St., Oak Cliff.

BEST FRIED SHRIMP: Red’s Cajun Queen, 3701 W. Northwest Hwy.

MOST AUTHENTIC GUMBO: Nate’s Seafood and Steakhouse, 14951 Midway. Addison.



NIGHT TO GO OUT TO DINNER

WORST: On August 30, celeb/chef Dean Fearing married Lynae Lambert at The Mansion. Chefs from all over town traded in their toques for tuxes, so most of the best restaurants in Dallas (and the Southwest, for that matter) were flying without a pilot that night.

MeDiA



MEDIA GIMMICK, IBEST: The Herald’s Helen Bryant invited all those who look like chicken-fried steaks to vie for the title of “Miss Chicken-fried Steak.”

WORST: On the day of the deadline for Iraq to pull its troops out of Kuwait, a KEGL DJ was arrested for trying to smuggle a toy gun, knife and hand grenades through D/FW Airport security.



STORY IN NEED OF A KILL FEE

WORST: A Grapevine man who dismembered his female roommate sent a 200-page story about it to True Confessions. He then attempted suicide, failed and was convicted of murder.



ARRESTING DEVELOPMENT

BEST: When singer Sara Hickman was arrested for an overdue parking ticket, the Dallas cop escorting her to jail realized who she was and asked for anautograph.He took offher handcuffs , and she signed, “Sara Hickman, jailbird.”

WAY TO END A TRADITION:

WORST:

WBAP’s Dick Siegel found himself earthbound when the bank repossessed his traffic copter.



RODIO SPOT FOR A GOOD CAUSE

BEST: The Motel 6-style spot for the Dallas County bond election, produced by Rob Allyn and drawled by comic Scott Parkin.



MEDIA GIMMICK, II

NUTTIEST During the filming of JFK, The Dallas Morning News launched a “Kevin Watch,” inviting Costner groupies to report sightings of “this Hollywood hunk.”



ANTI-MEDIA MEDIA

BEST: KVIL mixmaster Jody Dean skewered media war hawks with a clever parody called “One Night in Baghdad.” (“Days fly, doesn’t seem a minute/ Since that hotel room had Bernard Shaw in it.”)



NEWCOMERS TO THE TUBE

PROMISING: KHRA-TV filled a void with “Between the Lines,” a news analysis/discussion show about local affairs.

ALARMING: A white supremacist group began airing a syndicated venomfest beamed from Learned, Miss. Irony lives.



COMEBACK

BEST: Channel 8 rehired ace reporter Gary Reaves, who went to CBS in the mid-80s.

LOSS OF VOICE

WORST: The Dallas Times Herald closed its doors after more than a century of healthy competition with The Dallas Morning News. The loss diminishes us all.

SERVICES



ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY PEST CONTROL

BEST: Try Allied Pest Control (988-7045), or Maddox (631-5276). These guys scatter pests with the extracts of citrus fruits, boric acid and diatomaceous earth.



ACCESS TO LOCAL GOVERNMENT

MOST OVERLOOKED: For problems with city services, help is available from government information offices. Dallas County: 653-7011. City of Dallas Action Center: 744-3600.



FEATHERED FRIENDS

BEST: Deborah Cavanaugh and Sharyn Wisdom are The Bird Brains (388-8170), who will come to the homes of new bird owners and coach them on avian care. Specializing in exotic tropical birds. The Bird Brains also offer in-home grooming.



SINGING TELEGRAM

ELVIS-EST: For $45, The Telegram Pros (824-2991) will send The King to sing “Happy Birthday B-B-Baby” to your favorite teddy bear. Or you can opt for Elvira, Freddy Kreuger or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. A balloon bouquet is included in the fee.

MOST PERSONAL: Brett Houston of Dallas (686-0412) will write a song just for your special occasion. $75 for a two-and-a-half-minute ditty and $95 for a three-and-a-half-minute tune. For an extra $20 you get a studio-recorded tape of the song.



DIAPER SERVICE

BEST OF THE NEW: A rash of new diaper services is challenging General Diaper’s 60-year hold on the market. Our vote for the best of the newcomers goes to Cotton Tots (358-BABY), which serves the entire Metroplex with three sizes of thick, soft diapers.



ORGANIC PERMS AND MANICURES

MOST SOOTHING: While you om out amid sitar music and aromatic oils at Elaine Dodson Salon, 5014 McKinney Ave. (520-6297), your hair will curl with extracts of trees, herbs and flowers with nary a whiff of ammonia or petrochemicals.



PHOTO RESTORATION

BEST: To lovingly restore that fading photo of Grandma, call Andy and Beckie Reisberg at Photographic Archives Lab & Gallery, 5119 W. Lovers Lane (352-3167). The Reisbergs, who do work for the Dallas Public Library archives, will retouch, tone, develop and print your photo on fiber-based paper that lasts for generations. A 5-by-7-inch, black-and-white photo, inciuding a negative and proof, costs $50.



BRAIN TUNEUPS

BEST: Brain drained? Mind muddled? Get yourself to Quest for Excellence, 6750 Hillcrest Plaza Drive, Suite 201 (392-1733). Try the Somatron, a bed that gives you a vibration massage in time to whatever music you pick. The Sam’s Potentializer re-creates the womb with a recliner chair that rotates while magnetic waves roll over your body. These and other aids to contemplation go for $25 an hour.

RUNNER-UP: Overtones, 14902 Preston (458-0404).



OFFICE IF YOU DON’T HAVE AN OFFICE

BEST: Kinko’s has just about everything you’ll need except a secretary. Self-service copies are 6 cents each. A fax costs $1 per page to send locally, $2 for anywhere else in the U.S. An hour of Apple Macintosh time costs $12, with laser prints at 95 cents each. An old-fashioned typewriter costs $4 an hour. Round-the-clock Kinkos are at 5111 Greenville Ave. (696-9863); 5545 LBJ Frwy. (701-9533); 205 N. Ervay (922-0403); and, as of this month, 3905 Oak Lawn (522-7434).



SHOPPER’S AID

MOST CONSIDERATE: The Lilly Dodson women’s wear store has telephones in each of its dressing rooms. Promenade location only (238-8276).



COMPUTER CRISES

BEST PERSON TO KNOW: Your hard disc crashed and you’rehysterical. Snap out of it.David Chen at the MicroAgecomputer store at 8850 N.Central Expressway (739-7033)will rebuild your computer andrecover all that work youthought you lost.

Shopping



POSTCARDS OF DALLAS

WIDEST VARIETY: ColorTree (three locations including the West End Marketplace, 720-2297) sells scenic views and whimsical parodies. Unusual copper postcards go for $1.25.

GOLDEN OLDIES

BEST: Bill’s Records and Tapes, 8118 Spring Valley Road at Coit (234-1496), may have moved his nostalgia palace to a new location, but he’s still offering great deals on your favorite golden oldies, including jazz greats, the Stones and Frank Sinatra. He’s got CDs, and new and alternative music, too. Some selections are new, most are used. Prices vary at Bill’s, but rest assured, they’re good.

PET FOOD

CHEAPEST: For anyone with a pet, Petsmart, 6301 Abrams at Skillman (349-9071), can be a religious experience, At this supermarket-sized warehouse, find discounts on everything from dog and cat food to supplies for fish, birds, rabbits, snakes and even pigs.

RUNNER-UP: Canine Commissary, 11504 Garland Road (324-3900).

GOURMET-EST:

We rounded up a panel of four-footed experts-Dakota, Buster, Domino, Sophie and Sarah-to taste locally produced high-end dog biscuits. Passing over more healthful fiberfilled treats, the dogs scarfed up pizza-flavored biscuits from Happy Tails Pet Boutique & Biscuit Bakery, 4514 Lovers Lane (692-1999). They bake their own and offer a different menu weekly. A half-pound (about 15 biscuits) costs $3.25.



USED KITCHEN EQUIPMENT

BEST: The ghosts of failed restaurants haunt the aisles of DeVille Restaurant Equipment and Supply, 102 W. Fairmeadows Drive, near Dun-canville (296-9271). You can get a walk-in refrigerator, double-oven or Texas-sized deep fryer; all new and reconditioned equipment comes with warranties.



FOREIGN LANGUAGE PERIODICALS

BEST SOURCE FOR HISPANIC

PUBLICATIONS: Carnival Foods in Oak Cliff, 1201 W. Camp Wisdom Road (374-2330), has one of the city’s largest arrays of Spanish-language periodicals, with an emphasis on Mexico. Open 7 a.m. until 10 p.m. every day.

BEST SOURCE FOR EUROPEAN

PUBLICATIONS: The Original Magazine and Book Store has 40 titles of Italian newspapers and magazines, 35 British, 30 French, 25 Spanish, 15 German, 4 Russian and others. Three locations: Preston and Forest (739-2919), Lovers and Inwood (350-2243) and downtown at Ervay and Main (747-3217).



SCHWARZKOPFIANA

MOST: If you’re feeling nostalgic for the mother of all conflicts, plan an amphibious landing at Porter’s Army & Navy Store. 600 E. Irving Blvd (579-1155). There, military wannabes will find Desert Storm T-shirts, camouflage pants, and more exotic items like Israeli gas masks.



EDUCATIONAL SOFTWARE

CHEAPEST: Couch potatoes needn’t budge to find the good stuff. Indianapolis-based Public Brand Software (1-800-426-DISK) is a mailorder company that distributes quality shareware at a mere $5 per disk. Have a modem? Save more and download for one hour a day for an annual subscription fee of $50.



HERB PLANTS

BEST: The intoxicating aroma of hundreds of herbs, exotic and familiar, fills the air at Golden Meadows Herb Farm & Emporium, 431 S. St. Augustine in Dallas (398-3491). Golden Meadows has a staff herbologist to advise shoppers on herbs for cooking, curing ailments and repelling insects.



ORGANIC FERTILIZER

CHEAPEST: How about free! Hard-core green gardners can bring their own scoopers and containers to White Rock Stables & Tack (348-3110) at the corner of Goforth and Lanshire off Northwest Highway, next to Flag Pole Hill.



HANDMADE GREETING CARDS

MOST: Nuvo. 3900 Cedar Springs (522-6886), stocks a whole wall of one-of-a-kind cards made from textiles, photographs, paint and other stuff. From $2.50 to $15.



USED EXERCISE EQUIPMENT

BEST AND CHEAPEST: Sports Exchange USA, 13239 Montfort Drive (458-6912), sells everything from golf clubs to bikes to multigyms. Example: A Precor 9.5 SP treadmill is $3,000 here; elsewhere, new, it’s $5,500.



ORGANIC FERTILIZER

CHEAPEST: How about free! Hard-core green gardeners can bring their own scoopers and containers to White Rock Stables & Tack (348-3110) at the comer of Goforth and Lanshire off Northwest Highway, next to Flag Pole Hill.

MATERNITY RESALE

BEST: Wear Bears Maternity & Children’s Samples & Resale, 609 Park Forest Shopping Center (620-0162), sells used designer maternity clothes in all sizes for half the original price.



FINE PAPER

MOST: Touted as having “the largest selection of fine art papers in the country under one roof,” Paper Routes, 4112 Commerce near Fair Park (827-3392), carries about 1,000 varieties of high-quality paper for painting, calligraphy, collage, and more.



JEWELRY BARGAIN

BEST: Discount detectives have discovered the “repo” jewelry counter at the Dillard’s Outlet Store in Arlington, Highway 360 at Forum 303 Mall (817-649-0782). For example, get a Raymond Weil watch, originally $810, for $567.



MAP STORE

BEST: Need a city map of Delhi? A guide to Antarctica? Try the Rand McNally Map and Travel store at 211 NorthPark Center (987-9941).

Business



HIGH ROAD TO SILICONE VALLEY

WORST: A Fort Worth plastic surgeon was billing insurance carriers for breast biopsies when in fact he was doing augmentations. Many of his clients were American Airlines flight attendants, who flew to Fort Worth from all over the country for the procedure.

Timing

worst: After General Dynamics laid off more than 12,000 workers from its Fort Worth plant, the company’s top 25 execs received over $22 million in bonuses, due to a rise in stock prices triggered by the layoffs.



FRIENDSHIP

RED, WHITE AND BLUEST: Ollie North claimed in his book that H. Ross Perot told him to deny President Reagan’s involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal even if it meant lying. North also says Perot offered to give him a post-prison job if he went to the slammer. Perot denies advising North to lie, but not the job offer-and says he has it all on tape. What next from the case that won’t die?

CASH COWS

MOST EFFICIENT: Ross Perot Jr. keeps longhorn cattle on vacant industrial property around his Alliance Airport project. Not only does Perot offer visiting Yankees an instant vision of Texas, but he also plans to sell the livestock to capitalize on the lean beef craze.



GAME OF CHANCE

UNLUCKIEST: Pat Kirkwood, son of legendary Fort Worth gambler W.C. “Pappy” Kirkwood, tried to sell his father’s Four Deuces gambling den with a flip of the coin: double the $325,000 asking price, or nothing. There were no takers.



BIG GULP

HARDEST TO SWALLOW: A Japanese company bought 7-Eleven’s parent company, Southland Corp.



DEATH NOTICE

LEAST SURPRISING: Braniff International Airlines, for the third time.

ENTERTAINMENT



RADIO

BEST NEW PROGRAM: A1 “TNT” Braggs’ show on KKDA-AM, which showcases records by the South Dallas cadre of R&B artists. Braggs also takes requests, which makes his show the homiest version of urban radio in town. Saturdays. 2-6 p.m.

WORST PROGRAMMING

DECISION: KERA 90.1 dropped the cult favorite “Afro-Pop Worldwide” last fall. For many listeners, Sundays will never be the same.



PRICE GOUGING

WORST ONGOING: Rainbow Ticketmaster, which has a monopoly on ticket sales for local concerts. By the time you pay hefty convenience charges and mailing costs, the price for a single event has approached stratospheric proportions.

WORST SINGLE EXAMPLE: SMU reportedly paid Gen. Schwarzkopf $50,000 to speak on campus for 15 minutes. When faculty complained, the general agreed to lengthen his speech and allow a few minutes for questions and answers.



QUOTE

BEST: When asked if he thought Piano, Texas, was an odd place for a rapper to live, M.C. Breed said, “That’s what the police think.”



MAGIC

BEST VENUE: The Tuesday night magic show at the Cocky Crow Pub, 3120 Knox.

BEST PRACTITIONER: Merlin (a.k.a. Ken Reynolds), who pops up in the West End, at downtown street fairs and at restaurants all over town with astonishing tricks and accompanying poetry.



Expose

TAWDRIEST:

Professional blonds Suzette, Stephanie and Sheri Scholz told more than we ever wanted to know about being Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders in their titillating tome. Deep in the Heart of Texas. Published last summer, the book landed the trio on every major talk show in the country and each appearance set Texas women back a good 30 years or so.

POOL HALL FOR BEGINNERS

BEST: If you’d like to become a shark but feel like a flounder, try O’Riley’s on Forest Lane. Play for free on Tuesday and Sunday or, on Saturday, pay half the regular price of $2 per person, per hour. 8989 Forest Lane, Suite 1200.



INNOVATION

BEST: MovieFone, the free telephone movie guide, introduced its teleticketing service to Dallas film fans this year, handling phone ticket sales for United Artists and Cinemark theaters. Call 444-FILM.

CritTERS



STRANGE SIGHTING

MOST MYOPIC: Bird watchers called the Audubon Society of Dallas County to report an owl with a hurt wing perched on a billboard. The owl was a decoy installed to keep pigeons from roosting.



CASE OF UNBRIDLED EMOTION

WORSTt: A car hit a police horse during DISD student demonstrations, injuring both horse and rider. Dallas police received hundreds of calls about Tom-Tom and very few about the officer.



PATRIOTIC DISPLAY

FURRIEST: When Desert Storm troops went to the Persian Gulf, 600 volunteers offered foster homes for the fish, birds, horses and even hamsters left behind.



LETHAL WEAPON

BEST: Reptile researchers at the Dallas Zoo found the perfect item to threaten snakes and make them strike: A Bart Simpson doll.



QUESTION JERRY OWENS NEVER ASKED

BEST: When Irving’s health director was pondering whether the city should allow Vietnamese potbellied pigs as pets, he posed the conundrum, When is a pig not a pig? His answer: When it’s in Las Colinas.



ROAD-KILL REPLICA

WORST: In honor of the Texas Festival in Washington, D.C., the National Zoo acquired an armadillo-from Bolivia. Dillophiles pointed out that the imposter was six bands shy of the Texas standard.



TALE OF GROOM AND DOOM

WORST: The owner of a gray-and-white dog that had been deemed vicious and banned from Collin County dyed her pet black andsneaked him back into town. Itdidn’t work: The dog wasconfiscated, shampooed andput to sleep.

SPORTS



CHARACTER

TO DESPISE: Mavericks albatross Roy Tarpley finally took strike three, wasting a promising career, betraying his long-suffering teammates and blowing his three-year, $8.45 million contract. Good riddance.

TO ADMIRE: Umpire Steve Palermo was shot and partly paralyzed when he and former SMU star Terrence Mann chased four men who robbed Campisi’s restaurant. Palermo’s struggle to walk again made him a national hero.

RANGERS REDUX

BEST BEGINNING: The Rangers’ thrilling 14-game winning streak in May propelled them to the top of the American League West.

BEST ENDING: In a dramatic season finale, Juan Gonzalez crashed a homer with 2 out and 1 on in the bottom of the 9th, beating the Oakland As.

WORST MIDDLE: The rest of the Rangers’ season was up-and-down mediocrity as usual. Wait till next year. . .or the next…

EEEEEEGO STORY

WORST: Dale Hansen booted Gerry Oher off the Channel 8 sports desk for, among other things, saying “Vaaaaaaall-’ lleeeey Ranch” once too often.



THING TO HAPPEN TO TEXAS STADIUM

PATRIOTIC: Some American pilots in Saudi Arabia for the Persian Gulf war dubbed their concrete hangar “Texas Stadium.”

ALCOHOLIC: The long dry spell ended as beer sales were finally OK’d.

IRRITATING: In a fit of greed. Cowboy bean-counters shoved through a ban on bringing food | into the stadium.



GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS STORY

BAD NEWS: Veteran fave Steve Buechele was traded to the Pirates for a couple of “prospects.”

GOOD NEWS: For Boo, anyway. He went to the Pirates and a taste of postseason play.



VALENTINE STORY

FUNNY: When outfielder Gary Pettis hinted he might not enjoy life as a non-starter. Rangers manager Bobby Valentine scoffed, “What’s he going to do? Work on a tuna boat?”

EVEN FUNNIER: This season, Bobby V. became the longest-tenured manager in this century who has never won a championship. Why isn’t he working on a tuna boat?



PLACE TO SEE THE KKK

BEST: Arlington Stadium, when Ryan is pitching and those “K” banners decorate the center field wall.



SEPTEMBER-DECEMBER SURPRISE

BEST: The overall play of Cowboys running back Emmitt Smith.

WORST: Against the Houston Oilers, Smith’s disastrous fumble in overtime cost the Cowboys a victory. FATE OF A GOOD IDEA

WORST: The Arlington Stadium bratwurst sandwich, hailed as “Best Ballpark Food” two years ago, has been downsized into a depressing shadow of its former juicy, tantalizing self.

PITCHER KING STORY

BEST: Nolan Ryan pitched his seventh no-hitter at the age of 44. He also passed the 5,500 strikeout mark and held batters to an anemic .172 average.

MIX OF SPORTS AND CULTURE

BEST: During a Sunday concert, Dallas Symphony Orchestra associate conductor Kate Tamarkin left the stage, then returned to announce: “Dallas 21, New York 16, Beethoven 7.” The famous symphony followed.



RECOVERY:

BEST:KVIL got off to a slipshod start with the Cowboys broadcasts, but bounced back, with the aid of commentator Babe Laufenburg, to deliver a credible show.



TEAMS WITHOUT A PRAYER

FEMALE: After being sued by the ACLU, the Duncanville girls’ basketball team was forced to abandon its longtime prayer ritual.

MALE: The Mavericks without Roy Tarpley.

FLASHBACK

BEST: Former Cowboy “Bullet” Bob Hayes, busted for selling drugs in 1978, announced that he would attempt to clear his name. Say it wasn’t so. Bob.



FASHION STATEMENT

BEST: Ranger Ruben Sierra’s diamond earring, shaped as the number 21, his jersey number.

Arts



Street Art

BEST: The 6.000-square-foot mural bordering Elm and Crowdus Streets in Deep Ellum featuring the work of over a dozen local artists.

MOST ExPENSIVE: Lewisville artist Sam Brown was fined $215 for drawing on a Dallas sidewalk with chalk.



TRENDS

MOST DEPRESSING: The closing and shuffling around of so many theaters, including the Plaza, Moving Target, Deep Ellum Theatre Garage, Dallas Repertory Theatre and Theatre Gemini.

MOST HOPEFUL: The continued bravery of theater folk in establishing such promising, small theatrical companies as the Classical Theatre Co., Kitchen Dog Theatre, Maniac Theatre and Moonstruck Theatre.



STORIES FROM THE WENDY CITY, I

SYMPHONIC SILLINESS: The Dallas Symphony Association commissioned Marvin Hamlisch to pen an orchestral piece based on Emery Reves book Anatomy of Peace. This weird idea for a symphony proved what we’ve always suspected-any book with a forward by Albert Einstein should not be set to music.

DANCE COMPANY

WORST EXCUSE: Ballet Dallas, which has neither the dancers nor the repertoire to sustain its pretensions. How the normally savvy Meadows Foundation was suckered into extending a quarter-of-a-million-dollar challenge grant to these guys we’ll never know.



SUCCESS STORY

BEST Local girl group, the Dixie Chicks, made Dallas history this year by selling 10,000 CD recordings of their debut album Thank Heavens for Dale Evans.



AUDIENCE

HIPPEST: TITAS’ Dance Series always attracts audiences that are overwhelmingly cool-more East Coast than Southwest, but then modern dance does funny things to people.



GALLERY OWNERS

MOST PRETENTIOUS: Turner and Byrne of Turner & Byrne. Gallery. These two articulate young men talk more theoretically than a pair of nuclear scientists. Amid all the obfuscation, who can figure out if the far-out, mostly New York-based artists they exhibit are any good?



STORIES FROM THE WENDY CITY, II

story 1: Thieves stole $20 million to $30 million in jewelry from philanthropist Wendy Reves’ villa on the French Riviera.

STORY 2: Reves blames the Dallas Museum of Art for the theft.

STORY 3: Reves then told the French media that the jewels were just cheap baubles with little value and blamed a Dallas friend for giving Dallas media inflated numbers.

story 4: Reves claimed that she misled the French media to protect herself from further theft and said that the loot was indeed worth millions.

story 5: Reves’ friend insisted that she had called the papers at Reves’ request and that Reves had provided the estimates herself. We give up.



EVENT

BEST CONTINUING: The visits by nine international conductors trying out for the job of Eduardo Mate’s successor as music director for the Dallas Symphony Orchestra.



ANNIVERSARY

MOST SURPRISING: Who’d have thought the funky Dallas Video Festival would survive in this town for five years? Under the tutelage of bad-boy Barton Weiss, it’s become a respectable venue for all the strange and wonderful things that can be done to a piece of videotape.



EXHIBIT

BEST PHOTOGRAPHY: The starkly dramatic portraits of Frida Kahlo by Lola Alvarez Bravo at the Barry Whistler Gallery.

MOST UNUSUAL: The Image of the Cross exhibit at Putti. Owners Bob and Margaret Sullivan doled out wooden crosses to 52 different artists.

What they did with them made for some pretty entertaining (and thought-provoking) art.



BUILDING BEAUTIFICATION

BEST: 3200 Main St., home of Conduit Gallery and the basement theater of Undermain. This Deep Ellum building used to feel vaguely third-worldish; now it’s positively chic.



POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE

MOST EMBARRASSING: Poor Dallas Theater Center actor Martin Rayner had to give an oral recitation of the words to “God Save the Queen” as part of the ceremonies celebrating the queen’s visit to Dallas. How he managed to keep a straight face is beyond us.

Case OF Theatrical Excess

worst: The Dallas Summer Musicals reached a low point with the touring company of Ziegfeld: A Night at the Follies. The production was perfect to a fault-the fault was it’s sexist and voyeuristic and a historical anachronism. Other than that, we liked it just fine.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES



ART IMITATES STRIFE AWARD

MOST APT: The scene is morning rush hour on Central Expressway. A cattle truck has stalled, causing a traffic jam. Frustrated drivers are only partly mollified to see a Bart Simpson bumper sticker on the back of the truck that says, what else, “Don’t Have A Cow. Man.”



UNSOLICITED READ

BEST:“No unwarranted material in toilet” says a sign in the men’s room at Taylors Bookstore in Casa Linda Plaza.



The Clarence Thomas Prize

FIRST PLACE: The billboards for The Gold Club that trumpeted “Being a Man Has Its Privileges.” Ironic twist: A woman-run agency created this campaign. Just deserts: The Gold Club is out of business.



REASON TO SPLATTER YOUR COFFEE ALL OVER THE WINDSHIELD

BEST:A Highland Park woman paid $300 to Billboard by the Day to post the following message on their Central Expressway sign: “Look now J.T. don’t blink. The test turned pink. What do you think? Love, M.J.” J.T. is the woman’s husband.



JUXTAPOSITION

MOST PROVOCATIVE: Amid the ads for escort services in the Southwestern Bell Yellow Pages is a promotion for the directory itself. Its headline asks: What’s on top?



BOEUF ON THE ROOF

BEST: Sonny the Steer, who sits atop the Charco Broiler Steak-house on Jefferson Avenue, turns 25 this year. In recognition, his owners are giving him a new coat of paint and seeking Landmark Sign status for him.



OROVOCATIVE TRANSPORT TITLE IN THE VEIN OF A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE

MOST: The Historical Kennedy Assassination Tour Bus.

REASONS TO SEND YOUR KID TO UT

BEST: SMU continues to crank out the world’s snottiest T-shirts. Some of the slogans spotted: SMU-We’re Not Snobs, We’re Just Better Than You; and We Go to SMU. You’ll Work for Us Someday.

The 10 Best Places



to Eat With Kids

Unless you have one of those prodigies who love sushi or prefer hollandaise to Cheez Whiz on broccoli, eating out with kids is usually an us or them situation. But there are actually some good places to lake the kids that the whole family will enjoy. Our 10 favorites:

1. Sakura Japanese Restaurant. Kids love to lake their shoes off and eat on the floor, so coming here is really cool. You’ll like the serenity. Moderate to expensive. 7402 Greenville Ave., Suite 101.

2. Simply Fondue. Kids also like to play with their food, so they’ll really love a restaurant where everybody’s doing it. Moderate. 2108 Greenville Ave.

3. Joey Tonato’i Atlantic City. Themenuful of spaghetti and pizza iswhat kids eat at those pizza palaceswith the singing, blue gorilla puppets, only better. Inexpensive tomoderate. 3232 McKinney Ave.

4. The French Room. The dream-come-true decor makes a perfect setting for a little girl’s special birthday.The friendly service is ready toaccommodate special requests at thedrop of a hat. Expensive. TheAdolphus Hotel, 1321 Commerce.

5. India Pilate Restaurant Excellentfood for the grown-ups, bright redtandoor drumsticks for the kids anda red-carpet welcome for families.Moderate to expensive. 12817Preston. Suite 106.

6. Greek Bistro. This unassuming, little restaurant serves the best souvlakiin town. Culturally, that’s the Greekequivalent of a hamburger, which islanguage any kid can understand. Inexpensive to moderate. 2014 Greenville Ave.

7. Hard Rock Cafe. The surprise heremay not be that the kids like it-afterall, it’s loud and serves hamburgers-but (hat you will. Moderate.2601 McKinney Ave.

8. Szechwan Pavilion. Order the kidsa pu-pu tray-it’s on fire and everything’s fried, so you know they’ll loveit. Then introduce them to chopsticks, which are always a gooddinner-time toy. Moderate. 1152 N.Buckner, Suite 128.

9. Benihana of Tokyo. Kids love towatch the knife-brandishing chef,plus the food is simple and easy toidentify, Moderate to expensive.12700 Park Central Pl.

10. Baby Routh. The menu is in acomposition book, there’s a bananasplit on the dessert list and the logois in a child’s scrawl. What do youthink? Moderate to expensive. 2708 Routh St.

HE SAID: The 1991 Singles Survey



As a public service we thought we’d round up 10 unmarried men and women and ask them pressing questions about being single in Dallas in the ’90s. We asked pertinent, personal questions, most of which they refused to answer. But we did get some good answers on the easy stuff like where they feel comfortable dining alone, the best place to take a first date and the best restaurants for a business lunch with romantic possibilities. Here are the men’s responses. (Women’s answers, next page.)

THE PANEL: Willy Erlemeyer, realtor; John Denton, golf tournament director; John Hall, advertising executive; Christophe Duplay, aviator; Michael Todd, lawyer WHAT THEY SKID:

Best places to exercise: The Verandah Club; White Rock Lake; the downtown YMCA; the Premier Club and, the track at SMU

Best spectator events: Hoop-It-Up; the Byron Nelson golf tournament; Mavericks games

Best places to dine alone: Peggy Sue BBQ; Good Eats Cafe; The Black-eyed Pea; Mangia Italia; The Dixie House Restaurant in Lakewood; Kathleens Art Cafe

Best grocery stores to meet women: the deli counter at Tom Thumb in Old Town; the pet food aisle in Simon David; the checkout line at Whole Foods Market; in front of the Lean Cuisine, any store

Best places for a first date: the DMA; Lawry’s The Prime Rib; York Street pub; Chez Gerard; Adelmo’s; sports, events

Best bookstores: Bookstop; Taylor’s; Shakespeare Books

Best after-wit watering holes: The Time Out Tavern; On the Border (Knox St.); Louie’s; The Library Piano Bar at the Omni Melrose Hotel; The Lion’s Den in The Stoneleigh Hotel; Balcony Club at the Lakewood Theater; Mick’s Bar; Wall Street; Zulu’s

Best places for a business lunch with romantic possibilities: Terilli’s; Sam’s Cafe; Landmark Cafe in the Omni Melrose Hotel; The Buffalo Club; Juniper

What you’ve done lately to make vow-self a more interesting person: volunteer for charity work; coach youth basketball teams; take continuing education courses; join the Verandah Club; adopt a dog from the SPCA. Our favorite response: “Good question. I just realized I may be working too much. Maybe that’s why I’m still single. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.”

SHE SAID: The 1991



Singles Survey



Our panel of women answered a few more questions than the men. In fact, they answered questions we didn’t even ask. Here’s a look at their responses.

THE PANEL; Angela Enright, public relations executive; Sarah Norton, singles parties organizer; Amy Smith, lawyer; Suzanne Felber, entrepreneur; Sylvia Samano, telephone company executive WHAT THEY SAID:

Best clubs or organizations in which to meet people: The 500 Inc.; The Toastmaster; USA Film Festival; the PM League of the DMA

Best places to exercise: The Verandah Club; Las Colinas Sports Club; the SMU pool in the summer; Colbert Tracht; Germany Park; the Premier Club; jogging around Turtle Creek; the Crescent Spa

Best spectator events: Mavericks games; Texas Ranger games; the Byron Nelson golf tournament; polo matches; Dallas Cowboys games; show jumping at Willow Bend; SMU football games

Best places to dine alone: La Madeleine; Massimo da Milano; Good Eats Cafe; Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen; The Mansion; Cafe Madrid; 8.0; Dream Cafe

Best grocer} stores to meet men: the pasta counter at Marty’s; the wine/ cheese area of Simon David; the pro-duce area of Whole Foods Market

Best places for a first date: Strictly Tabu; Aransas Pass; Primo’s; Adair’s Saloon; a movie at the Inwood Theatre. Favorite response: “I had seven first dates in a row who all took me to Patrizio and to a movie.”

Best bookstores: Bookstop; Taylors; Half-Price Books.

Best after tort watering holes: The Mansion; Primo’s; 8.0; Sambuca; Pete and Sean’s Angry Dog; The Time Out Tavern Best places for a business lunch with romantic possibilities: Sam’s Cafe: Adelmo’s; Patrizio; Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen; Deep Ellum Cafe: Cafe Pacific; 8.0. Favorite response: “I truly try never to confuse my business with my social life. It leads to disaster.”

What you’ve done lately to make yourself a more interesting person: take public speaking classes; take up bike riding; answer a personal ad in the Dallas Observer; sign up for golf lessons; take ski lessons; start weight training; learn to play pool; adopt a pet; volunteer for the USA Film Festival

Best off-the-wall places to Beet men: tie shopping at Stanley Korshak; browsing at Elliott’s hardware store.

The Best off the



Farmer’s Market



The colorful metal sheds of Dallas” Farmer’s Market have brought together farm folk, city folk and tons of fresh produce for the past 50 years. Here’s an insider’s guide to a favorite landmark.

Best Vendors: Look for “grower” signs under the red and yellow sheds to find in-season produce direct from Texas farmers, which as a general rule is fresher and cheaper than “dealer” goods. Dealers sell local, as well as refrigerated, out-of-state and foreign crops, (In the off-season, the distinction blurs; growers will fill out their displays with bought goods.)

Best time to shop: Start early (the market is open 6 to 6 every day but Christmas and New Year’s). In summer, you can join bulk buyers as early as midnight.

Winter bests: Texas-grown sweet potatoes at Jerome and Eloise Hunter’s stalls. In mild winters, look for greens, turnips, radishes and green onions. You can also Find poinsettias, Christmas trees and chili pepper wreaths.

Spring bests: Fresh asparagus, sugar snap peas, English peas, green beans, new potatoes, early green onions, turnips and greens. In late spring, get Texas-grown raspberries from Rufus Bates, who sells his produce in the yellow shed. Best bets in nursery plants: Flowers, herbs, vegetables and quality plants often at below-garden-center prices.

Summer bests: Peak season lasts from mid-May through August, depending on the weather. Try Texas-grown field peas, tomatoes, squash, okra, onions, peppers, watermelons, cantaloupes, peaches, blackberries and more. For the best black-eyed, crowder and cream peas, visit Virginia Sides at the Sides Pea Farm stalls. For the best cantaloupes see Linda Moreno, a lifelong Caddo Mills farmer known for her -produce.

Fall bests: Shop for sweet potatoes. Early winter squash, peanuts, honey, ribbon cane syrup. Get fresh Coliin County apples and cider courtesy of Claudene and Weldon Corbin of Blue Ridge, Texas, who sell in the yellow shed. This is also the season for pumpkins and Indian corn.

Oldest Living Vendors: Arlie and Ivy Hollowell first came to market in 1947. Now they sell full time while their son runs the 112-acre farm in Grand Saline. “I got lots of good friends here,” she smiles. “They all call us Granny and Granpa.”

Note: Call 748-2082 for current: stall locations.

The Cheapskate’s



Guide to Dallas



Is it possible to have fun in Dallas on a budget? We asked local recycling reporter Amy Martin (she knows how to pinch a penny) and her husband Scooter Smith to find out. On a chilly, fall Friday we handed them $75. Their mission: From sundown on Friday until sundown on Sunday, eat, drink and be merry-but don’t go over your budget. Here are the results of their well-spent weekend. FRIDAY: $13

Evening: A time for relaxation and dining in. Martin and Smith pick up a 10-inch designer pizza from Mangia Italia (6334 La Vista, 821-5328) and hurry home. SATURDAY: $35.50

Day: The couple heads for Deep Ellum to do some art hopping. They venture into the Barry Whistler Gallery (2909-A Canton) and look over the oil-painted photos from Nic Nicosia’s “Love+Lust” series. Then it’s over to the Gray Matters gallery (113 N. Haskell) for its exhibit on North American vampirism mail art items (small, flat art pieces sent through the mail), where they spend $5 for a drawing. They wrap up their art tour at Articles {2616 Elm St.), the funky gift gallery and then have a late lunch at Phil’s Natural Eats Cafe {2815 Elm) for a grand total of S9.50 with tip.

Evening: First stop is La Créme’s 1863 coffeehouse (8220-B Westchester in Preston Center), where they get a needed caffeine jolt. Then they ’re off to Flip’s Wine Bar & Trattoria (1520 Greenville) where they enjoy an interlude of jazz while sipping Chardonnay at the bar. (Tab: $9.25 plus tip.) Next stop is Hard City Theatre across the street (1611 Greenville) for the one-woman show by C.J. Critt, Manhattan Diary. No one is at the door, but they pilch in $6 for the show anyway. SUNDAY: $26.50

Day: An adventurous afternoon is spent at The Science Place in Fair Park, where Martin and Smith check out the new, permanent exhibit “Body Tech.” For $5.50 each, they tickle a giant arm, walk through a human cell and lest the pollution residue in their lungs. After leaving Fair Park, they head for White Rock Lake and an open studio show at Ray Pottery Studio (8166 Barbaree).

Evening: By weekend’s end, Martin and Smith have saved enough ($15.50) to treat themselves to dinner at Kathleen’s Art Cafe (4224 Lovers Lane), which offers half-price entrees on Sunday nights.

Weekend total for two: $75.