HUMOR FOLLICLE FOLLY

We’d heard rumors. We were putting two and two together. But only when we beheld the now-shaggy Walker Railey, in from the coast to declare his inability to support both a wife and a mistress, did we glimpse the truth:

Dallas, once the football and divorce capitol of the world, has now added a new crown to its list: Bad Hair Capital of the World. Now let’s meet our tonsorial terrors:

All right. So what if Fred has never auditioned to appear on the cover of GQ or, for that matter, to model leisure suits in a Wal-Mart ad? The state GOP chairman’s crowning glory has been credited in some circles for triggering Dallas’s latest cocktail fad, a frozen tequila concoction called “calSwirl.” So who gets the last laugh?

Don’t laugh. The time-honored Ark-La-Tex Jaycee style of the new Cowboys coach combines a world of practical applications, as anyone who has been caught in a hail storm or been hurled head-first through a windshield will testify. The long-term consequences of this one-man aerosol assault on the ozone layer, however, remain to be determined.

Although Edd “Rookie” Byrnes of “77 Sunset Strip” received most of the credit for popularizing this look, the former mayor’s original inspiration came from Lon Chaney Jr. in his unforgettable performance as the Wolf Man. No word on whether he makes people feel nervous beneath a full moon.

There’s a theme song for the former senator, who recently endured a hairy ordeal in Washington, DC: “Bryl-creem . . a little dab’ll do ya,

Brylcreem. . .you look so debonair.

Brylcreem.. .the gals’ll all pursue ya,

They love to run their fingers through your hair.”

What hath God wrought? Is this cocker spaniel effect the latest thing from California, or is this simply a tactic geared to convince lawyers that the disgraced ex-minister can’t afford a haircut, much less live up to any $17.5 million judgment to support his wife? Either way, we have to suspect that Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker are not eating their hearts out over this one.

If this perennial mayoral candidate ever stops running (and losing) long enough to realize that his political future is dim, maybe he could move to LA and become the world’s oldest Beach Boy. He could undoubtedly carry the high notes better than he has carried Dallas voting precincts.