Hard to believe, but this is the twelfth year for the annual rite of spite known as Best & Worst.And what a year it’s been. Neat little phrases like “it was a very good year” just don’tseem to fit this time around. Better to say that 1988 was absolutely bizarre, a year unlikeany other. Remember?
Banks and S&Ls continued to melt down, joined this year by the Wax Museum. The Cowboys finished last, as did the pro-DART side in the referendum. SMU’s doomsday prophet, Dr. Ravi Batra, predicted a crash that didn’t happen; Delta didn’t predict a crash, but it happened anyway. The Sid vs. Anne Bass divorce was settled for $450 million, considerably more than the $240,000 KVIL’s Ron Chapman got-but all he had to do was ask. Ross Perot got mad as hell and said he wasn’t going to take it anymore; so did the Dallas Police Association, which started taking names. The Dapper Bandit finally got caught, as did that un-dapper bandit Robert Medrano, nabbed for diverting funds from a poverty agency. Nelson and Bunker Hunt finished the year in bankruptcy, while Johann Diesenhofer earned, riches nobody can take away; the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Bill Weber of Prestonwood Baptist departed, under the cloud of infidelity, but Terry Smith of Canyon Creek Baptist decided, to stick it out, and damn the lawsuits. The city lost the Grand Prix and got Starplex (sorry, no trades). Diane Ragsdale and Carrie Delano loudly symbolized our troubled present, while new police chief Mack Vines and DISD head Marvin Edwards brought hope for a more enlightened future.
We rest our case. 1988, you’re outa here, and good riddance. But first, one more walk down memory lane. Watch your step.
MEDIA & POLITICS
BUCK PASSING
Bad: Last July, an article in The Dallas Morning News reported that Lyndon Lawrence “Ike” Massey, president of the Times Herald, had been caught with 900 slugs used to cheat the Dallas North Tollway.
Just as bad: The next day, the paper reported that Dallas Morning News circulation manager Billy G. Nelson had been charged with the same offense, though his stash held fewer slugs.
BEAUTY BREAK
Bad: State Senator Eddie Bernice Johnson flashed her emery board and did her nails throughout the entire conference for AIDS awareness held in February. Glad the conference didn’t run over; she might have started on her toes.
lust as bad: Mayor Annette Strauss must have picked a slow night to ride in a patrol car with the Dallas Police. At least once, the mayor was spotted nodding off.
PERSONNEL MOVE
Bad: The Mavericks dumped sports polymath Norm Hitzges, their analyst for HSE home-game telecasts. Among other reasons, the Mavs didn’t like Hitzges referring to reserve players as “scrubeenies.” Even worse: Channel 8 muckety- mucks (male) decided to move Chip Moody into a weeknight anchor spot alongside Tracy Rowlett. Dale Hansen, John Criswell, and Troy Dungan. But the making of The Five Caucasian Guys also bumped the talented, experienced, and easy-on-the-eyes Midge Hill back into the broadcasting limbo-land of noon news anchor/afternoon reporter. Viewers were outraged, and even WFAA General Manager Dave Lane admitted that his decision was “unfair” to her. But it’s TV, so-what’s fair got to do with it?
SWAN SONG
Bad: Just days after Texas Business magazine unveiled a costly redesign and celebrated its twelfth anniversary, its Yankee owners in New Hampshire closed the magazine down. Even worse: When Style Dallas magazine folded, its former employees and business associates asked the D.A.’s office to extradite the tabloid’s out-of-state owner to stand trial on charges that he killed the magazine by draining bank accounts and writing worthless checks.
WORST DEPICTION OF DALLAS
On TV: The made-for-TV movie “What Price Victory,” a schlocky depiction of the SMU football scandal. Robert Culp hit bottom as a swaggering booster. In real life: When a JFK Library official in Boston was asked about “The Sixth Floor” exhibit focusing on the assassination of John F. Kennedy, he replied, “Being polite. I’d describe it as either morbid or disgusting or both.”
CAMPAIGN TACTIC
Best: The “Bernsen Hedges” campaign literature concocted by Dallas’s Rob Allyn for the ’88 senatorial campaign. The ads blasted Senator Lloyd Bentsen.
Worst: DART referendum backers draped a large pro- DART banner over a bridge on Central. Some claimed that the Danner distracted motorists, causing a rush-hour accident and a fifty-minute traffic backup.
‧ YOU CAN’S BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ‧
Best typo: Herald headline: “Read Carton Carefully Before Chooing Yogurt.” Then choo it very carefully…
Worst typo: A Herald editorial worried that Parkland Hospital’s image as a public hospital could “obscure from the pubic eye” some of its other virtues.
Worst poetic injustice: A Morning News Valentine editorial sang the praises of love, then concluded: “A tree’s still a tree; a rose still a rose. Tomorrow is Monday, we’ll get back to prose.”
Most reassuring headline: “Child Molestation Called Cause forConcern” by the Herald.
Almost as reassuring: From the DISD’s weekly newsletter:”Edwards Says Teaching, Leaming District’s Top Priority.” How do they come up with these things?
Worst filler: The Herald’s front-page story on how media star Dale Hansen lost mucho pounds on the BaylorFast diet. We’ll wait for the movie.
Most explosive headline: “Man Arrested, Tied to Fatal Pipe Bomb” in the News. Talk about speedy justice. Best historic exaggeration: In recalling Dallas’s fierce ice storm of 1979, a Herald reporter called it “a winter storm of biblical proportions.” Better bring those camels inside.
SLEAZY ACT
Bad: Former Dallas School Board member Robert Medrano gained election by fraudulent means, according to an exposé in the Morning News. Turns out that one out of every four votes in Precinct 3303 in the heart of Medrano country was either by forged registration, phony absentee ballot, or a “ghost vote” by persons who never have lived in the precinct.
Worse: Medrano was suspended from a county poverty agency after $1,400 in checks intended for poor tenants facing eviction ended up in his sister’s bank account.
WAR OF THE WORDS
Best: In a verbal joust with Betty Ann Stout, wrestling columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Herald sportswriter Skip Bayless wrote, “Will I wrestle Betty Ann? No more than I would Ma Barker, or Sheena of the Jungle or Henrietta Hippo.” Stout’s retort: “Yeah, and all of this is comin’ from a man who dressed up like a Number 2 pencil in Twisted Sister drag for the cover of D about two years ago.” Worst:Channel 8 sportscaster Dale Hansen raised feminist ire when he tossed off a personal aside to a story about the marital troubles between actress Robin Givens and boxer Mike Tyson. Hansen bluntly opined that if his wife had said similar things about him on national TV, he’d slap her upside the head too. Ouch!
COLUMN
Best (tie): Purists might argue that Helen Bryant’s “Names and Faces” effort in the Dallas Times Herald is not a “column” in the strictest sense, but it’s the best quick and dirty read in Dallas. Best: The Times Herald’s Laura Miller. Some say can her, some say canonize her. but everybody seems to read her.
PROMO PIECE Bad: The Fort Worth Star-Telegram took it on the chin for a billboard showing a male reader in a barber chair being attended by a scantily clad manicurist. The staffers felt that the ad was unnecessarily sexist, and even the model was upset that the billboard campaign made her look like a “bimbo.”
Worse: The Dallas Society of Visual Communicators made a promo poster out of Mayor Strauss’s grotesque caricature at the West End’s indoor miniature golf course, CityGolf. showing a golf ball popping in and out of the mayor’s mouth.
As late as October, we were afraid this year’s Best & Worst wouldn’t include any outrageous blunders or blusters from Gov. Bill Clements. How could we have had so little faith? Clements, who had blasted Michael Dukakis’s furlough program, turned out to be running a very ’liberal” program in our own state. Or was he? He signed legislation expanding the program, but he says he didn’t know about it. Perhaps he was “out of the loop” on this one. That left Texans to wonder which “L-word” best describes the Guv- libera), or liar?
CASE OF STANDING BY YORE MAH
Best: Charles Duncan, Channel 8*s two-fisted investigative reporter, has investigated his way so far into about ten lawsuits, including one that resulted in an award of $1.8 million in libel damages to the owner of an Austin copier firm. Kudos to 8 for recognizing that a reporter willing to make omelettes must break a few eggs-and that 80 percent of grudge-match lawsuits are reversed on appeal.
Worst: Channel 4’s firing of reporter and chief union steward Ron (Cameron) Sanders for objecting to orders that he not talk to black City Council members after a black police officer was shot and killed in August. Well, let’s ask a Journalism 101 question: who better to talk to? Sanders’s ejection stirred the already muddy racial waters, and it sent just about the strangest message imaginable to other Channel 4 reporters: we don’t want the full story, so don’t give us no Lipscomb, okay?
LOONY AT THE TOP
Who says our City Council doesn’t get anything done? Remember these noble deeds and stirring words from the year past?
Fighting the War on Drags! After Mighty Mouse allegedly inhaled some unknown substance on a Saturday morning cartoon, the council passed a resolution condemning the famed rodent.
Preserving morality! For several weeks, the council worried over the threat of The Last Temptation of Christ before referring the film to the city’s movie classification board, which doesn’t usually screen R-rated movies anyway, but did, and decided that the film was “not suitable” for young people, who couldn’t get in without theirparents anyway.
Giving credit where it’s due! After the council discussed The Last Temptation, it honored about forty women for Women’s Equality Week. Said Al Gonzalez: “.. .1 think it’s important to note that when Christ rose, it wasn’t Peter or Paul who went to the grave, it was three women, and I think that’s important.”
Making the tough choices! Bags or cans? The council talked trash for months before deciding on a plastic-bag pilot program. We don’t know how it’s working, but we’ve seen plenty of fat ’n’ happy dogs, cats, and raccoons.
Promoting tourism! After Swiss Avenue residents complained that hookers were stopping traffic in their neighborhoods, Ai Lipscomb worried that using undercover cops dressed as working girls could hurt the tourist trade. “These people [conventioneers] aren’t reading Bibles twenty-four hours a day. Here you go to a bar and ask someone if they want a drink and the next thing you know you have handcuffs on.”
Paying homage to the Bard! Lipscomb, on the contract between the city and PACE-MCA for the Starplex amphitheater: “Something smells in Amsterdam.”
Takin’ it to the streets! In late fall, the City Council discovered that some pawn shops might actually be accepting stolen goods! Next year, they may look into the nasty rumors that drunken people, some laughing loudly and slurring their words, have been spotted in local bars.
FOOD & RESTAURANTS
OLD-FASHIONED HAMBURGER
Best: Jack’s Burger House at 6913 Hillcrest is a real Happy Days kind of place, having served burgers and fries to SMU students and other happy diners since 1951. The burgers are traditional thin patties, the buns are toasted, and the French fries are fresh.
FRENCH FRIES
Best: Last year in these pages, we named Snuffer’s cheese fries the best in town, and-can you believe this?-the management actually complained because technically they are cheddar fries. So just for spite, we aren’t going to mention Snuffer’s cheese fries this year. We will tell you that the curly fries at the Fletcher’s Corny Dogs drive-through at 6855 Greenville Ave, are hot, thick, greasy, and an appropriately decadent splurge.
PASTRIES
Best: Whether your taste runs to the countless variations on a croissant, to elaborate cakes and tarts, or to simple brioches, La Madeleine has managed to preserve its quality despite expanding to six locations throughout the state. Our passion runs to the St. Tropez, a brioche split and filled with slightly sweetened whipped cream.
PASTA
Best: The most consistently delicious sauces, most of them rosy combinations of tomato and cream, give the varied pasta menu at Pomodoro (2520 Cedar Springs) the edge. Prices are extraordinarily reasonable, especially for half-orders. The pappardelle (extra-wide noodles) offer the most offbeat choices.
SANDWICH
Best: One of the few Louisiana exports to survive the Cajun craze, the muffaletta is the pinnacle of sandwichdom, and the best one is at Crescent City Cafe in Deep Ellum at 2730 Commerce. The chewy round loaf is piled with salami, ham, and cheeses, and-best of all-genuine olive salad dressing.
HOT APPETIZER
Best: Grazing has never been more satisfying than at Gershwin’s, 8442 Walnut Hill; our mouths still water for the sautéed shrimp with prosciutto, cheeses, and a brown sauce with capers.
REALLY HOT APPETIZER Best: Obviously someone somewhere down home in Thailand shares our taste for fried corn fritters, and adds handsomely to the genre by adding a Thai twist. The corn cakes at Thai Soon, 2018 Greenville, are really enough for a meal, so get one order and share it. And watch that sauce.
CHOCOLATE DESSERT
Best: The homemade “vulgar chocolate” ice cream at Sam’s Cafe, 100 Crescent Court, Suite 140, is incredibly rich, dense, chocolatey, and so soused in vodka and kahlua that it’s illegal to sell it to minors.
CAESAR SALAD
Best traditional: Café Royal at Plaza of the Americas does itperfectly, the old-fashioned way, tableside.
Best Nev Wave: Chef Jack Johnston at Parigi, 3311 Oak Lawn, serves up a lemon-spiked version that is one of those rare variations on a classic that actually works.
BREAD
Best Bye, bye baguettes, hello pan pugliese. Can’t say it? Just point to the long, fat, homemade-looking loaves at Massimo’s, any location. Break off a piece and spread it with butter or drizzle it with olive oil. Real staff-of-life stuff.
DIM SUM
Best:On weekdays at Chin Big Wong at 9243 Skillman, Suite 104, you mark your choices off on little paper menus. On weekends, you get to point to the tantalizing tidbits you desire as they roll by on serving carts. You also get to battle your way through throngs of Oriental and Occidental devotees. Either way, this is the most exotic array of dumplings, sticky rice, and esoteric Chinese sweets in town.
ROMANTIC RESTAURANT
Best: Ruggerio, a quaint little Italian bistro on Routh Street, has the Rx for romance: good food. warm service, a soft atmosphere, and sexy music.
CHILI RELLENO
Best: Rosita’s at 4906 Maple.New Wave Tex-Mex fads willcome and go, but the no-frills,traditional approach alwaysprevails.
INEXPENSIVE FRENCH MEAL
Best: At Waters, 1923 McKinney, where wife Gwen runs the front of the house and hubby Damien oversees the kitchen, the food is dependably good and the service is always friendly. Even on a busy night, the determinedly untrendy atmosphere makes Watel’s seem like your own personal discovery.
BREAKFAST
Best during the week: The new menu at The Landmark Cafe at the Omni Melrose Hotel, 3015 Oak Lawn, is good reason for beginning a business day here, but there’s more motivation: movers and shakers of all persuasions (civic, business, arts) have declared this the spot to see and be seen.
Best on the weekend: The Mecca, 10422 Harry Hines. It may be blasphemous to say so, but the Mecca makes biscuits and gravy better than your grandmother ever did. The biscuits are steamy and light on the inside, flaky and golden brown on the outside. The gravy is never gummy and has the peppery flavor of homemade sausage.
BISCUITS AND GRAVY
Best: Speaking of biscuits and gravy. Barbec’s (8949 Garland Rd.) are as close to the real thing as it gets. Three fat, round, fluffy biscuits (they use a standard mix to which they add extra sugar and beer) are served up with a bowl of out-of-this-world gravy for a mere $1.75. Worst: The Landmark Cafe at the Melrose. White sauce with tasteless black flecks that are supposed to be pepper does not make gravy. Yuk.
BAGELS
Best: Bagel Emporium, 7522 Campbell Rd., serves up the best, the chewiest, and the freshest bagels in town.
‧ HALL OF FAME ‧ Once again, back by popular demand.. ,
The sushi at Mr. Sushi, 4860 Belt Line
The fried chicken at Henderson’s Chicken Shack, three locations
The chocolate milkshakes at Highland Park Pharmacy, 3229 Knox St.
The meat counter at Kuby’s Sausage House, 6601 Snider Plaza
The natural foods at Whole Foods Market, 2218 Greenville Ave.
The grilled cheese sandwich at Theo’s Diner, 111 S. Hall St.
The deli (prepared salads, desserts, meats, cheeses, etc.) at Simon David, both locations.
GREETING
Bad: When patrons of Los Vacqueros, Highland Park Village’s upscale haunt for Tex-Mex, attempted to eat lunch there one day last September, they found not strolling mariachis but strolling health department officials. The filth-busters were literally locking the restaurant doors even as diners wiped up the last bit of guacamole, citing violations for a too-warm walk-in cooler that held, among other perishables, “condemned” guacamole.
Even worse: Some unsuspecting fans of Chips hamburger joint at 4501 N. Central Expwy, got a nasty surprise as they entered the front door last fall and were unceremoniously doused with a cooler of ice water. Bad enough that the kitchen help was coming out the front door with the cold water, but no one even apologized to our two intrepid critics, who were soaked to their knees. To add insult to injury, everybody in the place got a good laugh.
PIZZA
Best: We aren’t to the pizza pinnacle yet-storefronts that sell it by the slice-but there’s some darn good pizza around. For traditional, it’s Stevie V’s, 7324 Gaston Ave. For New Wave, our money’s on the chile ancho concoction at The Promenade at The Mansion, 2821 Turtle Creek. For deep dish, try the buttery crusts and rich fillings at Pizzeria Uno, 4002 Belt Line Rd. For the best bar pizza, head to Louie’s, 1839 N. Henderson.
SALAD BAR
Best: For consistency, variety, price, and exemplary attention to detail, kudos go to the Tom Thumb salad bar at 3104 Knox St.
CHICKEN SANDWICH
Best to eat there: It all begins with sourdough bread, buttered and toasted, Then comes the herbed mayo, tender breast of chicken, tomato, avocado, bibb lettuce, and apple-smoked bacon. Drooling? Proceed to the Deep Ellum Cafe at 2704 Elm St. Best to take home: The grilled chicken sandwich at Lombardi’s Expresse 6135 Luther Ln. Fat slices of chicken (they only use the breast), lettuce, tomato, mayo, and a sprinkle of vinaigrette all sit on two slices of piadina bread (bread with Parmesan baked into it).
FRIED CALAMARI
Best: The fried Calamari at Sfuzzi, 2504 McKinney, is the greatest-unlike the offerings at other places, it’s not greasy, it’s lightly breaded, and it’s crunchy, not chewy.
TAMALES
Best: Dallas Tortilla and Tamale Factory (2717 Harwood, two other locations). This is the real tamale-chicken, beef, or pork, $3.50 a dozen.
SOUP
Best Anglophile comfort soup: The cheese and ale soup at Jennivine, 3605 McKinney Ave., a wondrous blend of Guinness Stout, five English cheeses, Dijon mustard, chicken stock, cream, and seasonings. Smooth and deeply satisfying on a chilly winter’s day.
Best Oriental five-alarm soup: The stimulating coconut, red pepper, and mint concoction at Thai Soon, 2018 Greenville Ave. This is sort of a gastronomic antifreeze, good down to fifteen degrees. Take small sips until you get used to this hot, healthy-tasting delight.
WAITER
Best: Emil Muzzi at The Palm Restaurant, 701 Ross Ave., doesn’t just have loyal customers; it’s more like a cult following. He’s a study in opposites: gruff, friendly, funny, surly, chatty, lovable, nurturing, and wisecracking, all during the same meal. The Palm just wouldn’t be the same without him.
SPORTS
SWEENEY-TO-THE-RESCUE STORY
Best: Kevin Sweeney came off the bench with the Cowboys trailing the New York Giants, 26-0 at halftime. With slick scrambling and three TD passes, he produced a near-miracle before time ran out, 29-21. Worst:The following week, Coach Tom Landry gave Sweeney his first NFL start. The result: a 43-3 shellacking by the Minnesota Vikings.
CAN YOU BLAME HIM?
At one crucial point in the Cowboys’ 24-23 loss to the Eagles. Coach Landry didn’t know where the ball was.
POETRY IN MOTION
Good: Five Mavericks, including Roy Tarpley and Detlef Schrempf, began taking Tae Kwon Do classes.
Best: Dallas Olympian Louise Riner set a world record in the high jump competition in Seoul and came home with a gold medal. She soared higher than any other female Olympian has ever gone.
woret After the changes in the balk rule vexed Rangers pitchers, the Herald’s Frank Luksa reminded the world why he did not become a poet, For better or verse: “Hasn’t anyone figured/that if it isn’t a walk/the game’s most negative play/is surely the balk?”
PUBLIC RELATIONS FEAT
Best: The SMU Mustangs-to-be under Coach Forrest Gregg. Technically they’re still “dead,” but darned if they’re not starting to arouse some anticipation.
Worst: One of the ninety Fair Park residents who filed a $2.25 million claim against the city over the noise associated with the Grand Prix of Dallas was Denise Sharpton, who was hired to help with PR for the race.
COMEBACK
Best: Barry Davis, former basketball coach at the University of Dallas, had this retort when a sportscaster from the Irving Community Television station asked about his team’s eighty-plus game losing streak. When asked, “Can you see this losing streak going into the hundreds?” Davis shot back, “Can you see yourself working for Irving Community Cable for the rest of your life?”
Best (if you’re from Boston): The Mavericks led the Celtics by three with fourteen seconds left, but Mark Aguirre’s prayers weren’t enough. Larry Bird sank a three-pointer at the buzzer to clinch the victory, 105-104.
Best by a loser Cowboys president Tex Schramm, who has long wanted the Cowboys to play an exhibition game in Moscow, sent a photograph of a Soviet citizen wearing a Cowboys sweat shirt to the NFL office, quipping, “See, I told you we are Russia’s Team.”
Worst: The Baltimore Orioles, who began the ’88 season by losing twenty-one games in a row (the longest losing streak in baseball history), broke it by beating-guess who?-the Texas Rangers.
★ FUN TIMES ★ WITH AMERICA’S EX-TEAM
Ed “Too Tail” Jones was arrested after police saw him and a woman engaged in a “lewd act” behind a nightclub. Ah, those holding penalties.
It may not be criminal, but it sure ain’t smart: when Mike Sherrard ignored doctors and hit the jogging trail too early, he reinjured his leg, putting him out far another season. When does this guy give his salary back?
Former Cowboys offensive lineman John Niland announced his intentions to do the Lord’s work behind prison bars. The born-again Niland was sentenced to serve two years in prison followed by two years’ probation and was ordered to pay $386,000 to a man he shafted in a business deal. Said Niland, “I am guilty only of maybe a little bit of naivete and maybe a bit of stupidity.”
A San Antonio woman sued running back Darryl Clack for S3 million, claiming he gave her herpes in late 1987.
BUSINESS
LET’S HUR IT FROM THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS
When actor Paul Newman was here to drive in the Grand Prix, he described the tricky, no-room-for-mistakes race track this way: “If you had a fur sale at Christmas in the basement of Macy’s with a bunch of gorillas, that’s what it’s like.”
Battling Billy Martin was at it again in a restroom brawl during a Yankees stint at Arlington stadium. After being ejected by the umpire prior to a Yankee loss, he tussled with a patron at Lace, a topless bar nearby. Though Martin claimed self-defense, police reports claimed that he had thrown the first punch. Martin was later fired.
Los Angeles Laker Mychal Thompson, asked to comment on the tied-up Lakers-Mavs contest for the Western Conference crown, replied, “This is no time to panic. This ain’t Beirut.”
From Brian Bosworth’s autobiography, on the subject of the athletic boosters at SMU: “I’d get phone calls every night from people in Dallas, saying, ’Hey, we really want you at SMU. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll take care of everything. Get you a place to live. I got some buddies that own some condos. And don’t worry about transportation. I got a buddy who owns a dealership. And I’m sure you’ll need some clothes to fit in at a school as nice as SMU, so we’ll set you up with a nice wardrobe. If you need to go out and buy stuff, we’ll buy your game, tickets and anything else you need.’”
In stating his support for keeping the Rangers in this region, baseball commissioner Peter Ueberroth said. “The Texas Rangers are going to stay in Dallas, Texas, in the multiplex, as it is called.”
PRODUCT FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING
Good: With the Sports Page Plus, a beeper notifies you within ten minutes of important happenings in college and professional football and basketball, major league baseball, hockey, horse racing, and boxing.
Also good: Well, maybe this is for the man who has almost everything. A Richardson company introduced a line of briefs, shorts, and swimwear “strategically padded” to “unobtrusively smooth the silhouette, while providing control and support.” Should be a growth industry.
QUOTE FROM A NEWCOMER
Best: Hugh L. McColl Jr., chairman and CEO of NCNB: “Vall are the richest poor folks we’ve ever seen.”
UNCONVENTIONAL AO Best, poster For its client NoNukes of North America, Dally Advertising Inc. created a poster of a burned, smashed BMW. The caption read, “If the threat of nuclear war doesn’t scare you, think of what it would do to your BMW.”
Best, newspaper: For St. Luke’s Episcopal Church, the ad read, “Do your kids think Genesis is Phil Collins’s old band? If your children don’t know Bible stories from rock lyrics, maybe it’s time you introduced them to the word of God.”
BOTTOM LINE STORY Worst: Artist Krandel Lee Newton offers “Butt Sketches” in the West End. For $3 to $100, depending on factors we would not even want to guess at, Newton will immortalize your derrière.
HOW THE MIGHTY ARE FALLEN
Splat! Bankrupt. Nelson Bunker Hunt and William Herbert Hunt pinched pennies by taking the New York subway.
Thump! Land broker David Davidson went under, but was photographed leaning against his million-dollar home and sporting a gold Rolex.
Crash! After the bankruptcy of S&L kingpin Donald Dixon, we learned more about the wretched excesses of the Vernon Savings crowd.. from his gold filigreed swimming pool to the condos with “communal” showers.
Bang! Edwin L. Cox Jr., a convicted felon after being found guilty of defrauding InterFirst Bank Dallas, worked out a deal by which the government would help him regain the right to possess firearms after he is released from prison.
BUSINESS IDEA
Weird: Julie Brice and her brother/partner, Bill, celebrated I Can’t Believe It’s Yogurt’s tenth anniversary with a contest in which college students were invited to submit business ideas. Someone suggested microwavable frozen mice for the cat who has everything.
Worst: Margo Manning Acting Studio guaranteed help to anyone “whose Texas is showing.” For a fee, all us drawlin’ rednecks could learn how to eenunciate right proper. Miz Manning, take 1-30 East.
SHOPPING & SERVICES
PICTURE FRAMER
Best Douglas Picture Frames, 3101 McKinney at Sneed. These guys are masters at matching the picture you bring in-whether it’s a Van Gogh or a John Lennon poster-with the frame you want and the place you want to hang it.
Next best Art Enhancement, 914 N. Britain, Irving. This is the company that does custom framing and packaging/ transportation for some of the museums and galleries. They have the reputation of being the best company to handle expensive original artwork.
MEN’S ALTERATIONS
Best: For years Roy and Elizabeth Rodriguez, proprietors of Royal Tailors at 5616 Lemmon, have been the miracle workers when it comes to altering men’s suits. The pair completes any task within a week, usually charging no more than $20 to $30.
WOMEN’S ALTERATIONS
Best: Lucy Insuaste at Eastfield Cleaners & Laundry (3012 Big Town Blvd.) can’t be beat when it comes to women’s clothing. An old-fashioned seamstress, she rarely misses the mark.
SALES HELP
Best: For two years, Keith Fleming at Ann Taylor (425 NorthPark Center) has been the man to see when you’ve got to put your body into Just the right outfit. Combing his racks of clothes, Fleming can put his finger on that perfect something in mere minutes. And when new shipments arrive, he’ll call you to let you know if there’s an item you ought to see.
STEREO SHOP
Best, any make: The Factory Service Center at 5415 Maple is happy to serve anyone, any make, any model. They return sick home and car stereos to the land of the living.Best, upscale: Audio Concepts, 14362 Marsh Ln., stocks a good selection of very fine equipment. The service is tops, and they’re always glad to see you even if you’re just browsing. They even flew in a Linn representative from Scotland recently Just to tune up customers’ turntables and answer questions. Cool place.
ALL-AROUND HANDYMAN
Best: Chris Liston at 528-4605. He can fix anything from the garbage disposal to a leak in the shower to the hot rub. He can even add the finishing touches with his painting and wallpaper hanging skills. We haven’t found anything he can’t fix, and he doesn’t charge an arm and a leg.
GARAGE SALE
Best: Each spring. St. Mark’s School of Texas at 10600 Preston Rd. hosts a mammoth garage sale that serves as one of the school’s major fundraisers. The one-day-only affair has some of the best in name-brand clothes (all sizes, men’s and women’s), furs, appliances, furniture, and antiques. One year, they even had a grand piano and a few used cars. Best time to go is as soon as they open the gates-8 a.m. on April 15 this year-and you’ll not walk away empty-handed.
DISCOUNT CLOTHING SHOP
Best: Scruples/Designer’s Den located at 14815 Inwood offers one-of-a-kind designer women’s samples sporting some of the best names in town and catering to some of the best-kept figures around. Mostly sizes 4-8, but don’t worry, they run somewhat larger. If you’re a size 14, you can still save money and maybe even wear a smaller size, too.
CARD SHOP
Best: It’s a two-way tie. You’ll have no problem finding Just the right card at Ruccus (3024 Mockingbird Ln.). With two floors of cards to wade through, there’s a card here for every occasion. And if you’re out to make a lasting impression, the elegant, high-quality, handmade cards found in the card boutique of Stanley Korshak in The Crescent are great, if a bit steep-the average card runs $3.
CD SELECTION
Best Compact Disc Center at 9730 N. Central Expwy. This store caters to the real CD enthusiast with a wide selection of CDs and up-to-the-minute technology from CD-3s to CD Walkmans. They also buy (for store credit) and sell used CDs. The employees are helpful and knowledgeable, and there’s an added plus: two rooms equipped with sound systems to check out that CD you Just can’t decide on.
TREE PRUNER
Best: The Singing Tree Man (939-0233). No, he won’t sing to your elms or your live oaks while he prunes them back-he spends weekends as a country and western/folk singer. But he’s dependable and honest-he’ll tell you when something really doesn’t need to be done.
RESALE SHOP
Best for kids: Kid & Kaboodle in Richardson at 581 W, Campbell Rd. and Rabbit’s Recycle at 322 E. Camp Wisdom Rd. tie in this category. Both have a great selection of children’s clothes, furniture, and toys, and everything’s in tiptop shape.
Best for women: The grande dame of consignment, Clotheshorse Anonymous at 1413 Preston Forest Sq., can be a little intimidating for the consignor (they only accept dry-cleaned and freshly pressed clothes on certain days and at certain hours; consignors enter through the back door), but for the cheapo shopper it’s a dream come true-Adolfo suits, adorable Chanel numbers, you name it.
VIDEO RENTALS
Best: The Blockbuster Video locations in Medallion Center and at 4411 Lemmon Ave. With more than 10,000 tapes to choose from, these two Blockbuster “Superstores” just can’t be beat on selection.
Worst: Blockbuster Video in Red Bird Mall. Not all Blockbusters are created equal, it seems; this is the weak link in the chain. If you’re used to unlimited choices, you’ll not find that here.
Best selection of videos for sale: Custom Video in the Preston Forest Shopping Center has the largest selection of videos for sale (there are none for rent). They stock nearly 3,500 titles, and if you don’t find what you’re looking for. they’ll be glad to special order.
ORIENTAL RUG CLEANER Best
Best: Yamin s Oriental Rug Gallery at 2928 N. Henderson. Yamin is the third generation of Oriental rug cleaners in his family, and he knows his stuff. His philosophy is to beat as much dirt as possible out of a rug, and he says that the best way to clean certain rugs may take up to a month. He’s especially attuned to colors running and the special cleaning problems of the silk rug.
FURNITURE RE-CANER
Best: Mr. Lewis at 826-4017. If it’s time to re-cane that antique chair that has been handed down through three generations or if those wicker breakfast chairs are beginning to show wear and tear, your furniture will be in good hands with Mr. Lewis. His talent is not hampered by the fact that he is blind-he always does a good quality job, he’s accommodating, and he gets the job done on time-if not before. Even Don Embree, owner of Donald Embree Antiques Inc., the antique dealer in the
Southwest, gives Lewis all of his business.
SPORTS SHOP
Best all-around: Athletic Supply at 6921 Preston. They have equipment and clothes for any sport you happen to be hooked on, a knowledgeable staff, and Brian Spencer, the best bike mechanic, to boot. Best sportswear Luke’s Locker at 3607 Oak Lawn. The Simon David of sportswear. Luke’s is chock-full of the latest fashions to keep you in step with the running, swimming, hiking, and biking scene.
MASSAGE
Best We think Marcia Glenn at Dermacare, 4200 Herschel, Suite 14, wins hands down. She charges $40 ($35 for the first session) for an all-over body massage, a full, luxurious hour of comfort and pampering. Glenn uses scented oils (called a fragrance therapy), and her soothing, mothering voice and strong hands just melt your worries away.
Best-kept massage secret: It’s $7 for a thirty-minute massage at the downtown YMCA for members. If you’re not interested in joining, you can purchase a one-day guest pass for only $10.
PAINTER
Best: Perfectionist painter Steve Holley of AAA Quality Painting at 358-5714 comes complete with eight pages of current references. He charges nothing down, and payment only upon completion with 100 percent customer satisfaction guaranteed.
FABRIC WALLS UPHOLSTERER
Best: Dallas Drapery and Carpet Shops (two locations: 11315 N. Central Expwy, and 2956 Reward Ln.) offers the discerning buyer a great deal on fabrics and fabric walls (draperies, swags, other window treatments, and carpel too). Here’s a backhanded compliment: burglars thought enough of their work to steal (not once, but twice) their fabric wall window display.
MOVIE THEATER
Best new: The AMC Northpark 8 at 9450 N. Central Expwy. A first for Dallas, the AMC 8 has elevated, amphitheater-like seating and curved screens, making every seat the best seat in the house.
Best renovated: AMC Highland Park Village 4. It’s a moviegoer’s delight with an ice cream shop on the first floor and a concession stand and four theaters on the second.
Worst: General Cinema Theatres, Galleria location. Several Dallas movie reviewers have a running joke about the Galleria: here’s the place that gives you the most for your money-you see one movie and get to hear three others. The five small theaters, separated by paper-thin walls, would have worked much better as one big theater.
UNUSUAL PEDICURE
Best: For the latest in foot fashion, try one of the themed pedicures at Jungle Red in Highland Park Village. First there’s the birthday pedicure. For $65, the session comes complete with birthday hats, a birthday cake, and shop employees singing “Happy Birthday.” Or. for $55, you have your choice of a Hawaiian or Japanese pedicure, with appropriate accompaniments.
ELECTRONIC FIX-IT SHOP
Best: If your VCR is on the blink, don’t worry, be happy by dropping it off at Dallas Video Repair at 10052 Monroe. They’re the fix-it shop of choice for many of the big commercial video production houses in town.
Worst: Returning for a second year is K-0 Electronics at 5808 LBJ Freeway. We warned you that they were bad news in ’87, but it seems that some of you weren’t tuning in. We’ve heard several customers complain that the job wasn’t done right the first time around. They add that K-0 employees are rude, rude, rude.
MEN’S HAIRCUT
Best: Larry Fairchild at Fairchild’S, 16475 Dallas North Parkway. Suite 140. Great haircuts, great barbershop camaraderie, and great shoeshines-what more could a long-haired person want? The two scouts we sent reported excellent work, but here’s the shocker: we received fifty-four unsolicited personal letters touting Fairchild’s. One man wrote: “My wife would kill me if I got my hair cut anywhere else.”
Runners-up: Culwell & Son Grooming Room (three stores: 6319 Hillcrest, 13020 Preston Rd., Preston Park Village in Piano). Especially good for those who want that executive look. They’ve got good consistency from store to store and are very professional. Also, Village Barbers (25 Highland Park Village Shopping Center). This is the best shop to rub shoulders and network with the North Dallas business and power brokers.
BANKRUPTCY ATTORNEY
Best: Jay Ungerman of Ungerman Hill, 1025 Elm, puts up a mean fight when it comes to keeping as much money in his clients’ pocketbooks as possible. The latest proof of the Ungerman touch: he was the only attorney involved in the Hunt brothers’ massive bankruptcy proceedings to keep his client. Penrod Drilling Co., out of bankruptcy. He’s been around the bankruptcy biz a long time, comes highly recommended from creditors and bankruptees alike, and won’t charge you an arm and a homestead.
SUEDE CLEANER
Worst: Dino’s Shoe Repair at 6959 Arapaho (not to be confused with Deno’s Shoe Repair, three locations). Because the sign out front read “We clean suede and leather,” we sent a scout in with a $75 red suede purse to be jazzed up a bit. Two weeks later, with claim check in hand, she came calling to retrieve said bag. To her horror, she was returned a black brittle block for her red suede number. Dino said that he was not at fault, that she was warned that he might not be able to clean suede (she says there was no warning), and that there would be no refund. Dino and said purse owner are scheduled to meet again-in small claims court-next month. By the way, the sign in the window is gone.
VACUUM CLEANER STORE
Best: Vac-Mobile at 122 Farmers Branch Shopping Center. Tom Mann provides the best on-premises vacuum cleaner service. He repairs, rebuilds, or sells the best quality care your floor will ever know. The service is guaranteed for ninety days, and Mann will pick up the ailing appliance and give you a loaner if yours is away from home for more than a day.
CARPENTER
Best: David Cather at 487-0037, He’s got a hammer and he’ll win the battle of the boards. Why else would a builder in Maryland fly him to Washington, D.C., to build a ’Texas-style traditional home with a roof that doesn’t leak”? He’s a one-man show with complete carpentry capabilities- and you won’t get “screwed.”
FURNITURE AT A DISCOUNT
Best: Never Pay Retail. with locations at 9011 Carpenter Freeway, Suite 106, and 3303 N. Central Expwy., Suite 230, offers one-of-a-kind designer furniture, market samples from the World Trade Center, accessories, fabrics, and custom upholstery. The store employs only non-commissioned, degreed interior designers to assist in the sale.
FACIAL
Best: At Lucy’s, 14223 Inwood Rd., $30 will get you a therapeutic facial-not a silly massage, but one that is good for your skin-with no sales pitch. And even though Lucy attacks your blackheads with a vengeance (“You’re paying me to punish you,” she’s fond of saying), your face looks great when you leave.
Worst :The Nailery in Prestonwood Mall. Back-to-back tables await you with the smell of the facialist, who reeks of tobacco. Working on two clients simultaneously, her hands barely touch your face.. .and then she goes out for a cigarette break. $30 an hour.
INDOOR UP POOL Best for the money: The downtown YMCA at 601 N, Akard. This crystal-clear pool offers eight twenty-five-meter lanes with great wave, temperature, and crowd control. Members pay a $150 initiation fee and $41 per month.
Best for more money: The Verandah Club at die Anatole. An enclosed, twenty-five-meter pool with great wave control-no being swamped by the big kicker next to you-and the seven lanes of traffic provide plenty of room. Take a dive for $100 per month plus a $2,000 initiation fee.
MINI-BUND SOURCE
Best: Exterior Rolling Shutters Company (ERS, Inc., 101 S. Greenville, Richardson, and three other locations). They offer the best in quality and price on pleated shades, mini-blinds, 2 1/2-inch plantation shutters, verticals, and more. They also stock ready-made “toppers” (like valances) to offer that finishing touch.
STORE DECORATIONS
Best: The Market {three locations). The furniture groupings and table settings at all The Market’s locations are exquisite. And just as you’re about to start feeling intimidated by the opulence that surrounds you, you notice that the tables are set with placards for Al Gonzalez, Annette Strauss, Diane Ragsdale, and Billy Prince, or Ward and June, Wally, and the Beaver. Nice touch.
Worst: Athletic Supply on Preston Road, Recently, a window sported three headless male mannequins in the trendiest bicycle attire and a blonde female mannequin lying on the floor in front of them. Symbols, anyone?
CAR REPAIR
Best, investigative: Rubens Automotive, 2458 Fabens, Suite 20. Charles Rubens is a genius with things mechanical (and an interesting guy-he races cars, works in pit crews, and models in his spare time). Rubens is ethical, honest, cheap, and fast. Best of all, he loves a challenge, and he works on all types of cars. By appointment only, 406-0027.
Best, specialty: If you drive a BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes and you haven’t already tried Louden Automotive Services (11454 Reeder Rd.), you haven’t been paying attention. This is Louden’s third Best & Worst award, and with good reason- they know cars and they won’t rip you off.
MINT & BODY REPAIR
Best: At European Excellence and Design, 11259 Goodnight, Suite 1111, your car’s dents and bruises will get the TIX they deserve. Owner Paul Bergman specializes in exotic cars-Rolls Royces, Porsches, Mercedeses, and Ferraris-and his skills are second to none.
DRINKS & HANGOUTS
CHAMPAGNE BY THE GLASS
Best: Pinot’s Wine Bar at 2926 N, Henderson, with at least three choices by the glass each night (not to mention twenty or so wines by the glass). Recent choices: a Sebastiani Five-Star Brut for S3.95 a glass and Deutz Cuvée Lallier at $4.95,
BIG HAIR AMD BAB DRESSES BARBest: Raffles at The Crescent is a flammable experience-lots of hair spray, mousse, and Giorgio.
Worst: Knox Street Pub, 3230 Knox. If you walk in here in something sleek and backless, they’ll sneer at you. but they’ll still serve you good drinks at more than reasonable prices.
PATIO
Best It’s a tie. The most elegant. prettiest patio in town is at Dakota’s, 600 N. Akard, where the cascades of water and plants on the below-street-level oasis are soothing and soulful. And the coolest patio is at Club Dada at 2720 Elm-it’s a bilevel, tree-shaded haven in the middle of Deep Ellum.
AUTHENTIC KICKER BAR
Best: The Crystal Chandelier in Lancaster (1-35 at Bear Creek), where the cavernous room houses a real crowd of real cowboys, with just a few big-hair-and-coordinated-kerchief types to break the monotony.
PLACE Ju PROPOSE Best: San Simeon, 2515 McKinney. Maitre-d’ Jean Pierre Albertinetti will treat you like royalty, but San Simeon doesn’t stop there. They’ll seat you at a special corner banquette, and they’ll see to it that this truly is the most romantic night of your life.
PLACE TO BREAK YOUR ENGAGEMENT
Best: There are two ways to approach this delicate subject. You can either pick a spot you never want to return to or you can pick one that is so perfect that even breaking an engagement can’t ruin it. We think Nero’s Italian at 2104 Greenville fits in the latter category. Nothing can ruin the timeless, trustworthy Nero’s experience-delicious Italian food, romantic surroundings, flawless service. You might even wind up being friends again.
DRINKS WITH A VIEW
Best: The view at Stoneleigh P. 2926 Maple Ave., includes the most interesting assortment of patrons in town, from hippies to rednecks, from stockbrokers to starving artists.
Worst: We like the food at Les Saisons Restaurant, 165 Turtle Creek Village, and we like the service. But we haven’t yet gotten over what happened to the view-one building ruined the most beautiful view of downtown we had.
PLACE TO PARK YOUR YACHT
Best: White Rock Yacht Club (7324 Gaston, Suite 301), a comfortable neighborhood bar that actually has a lake nearby.
Worst: Any other bar with a name like Crustaceans Club, Sea Level Lounge, or Ocean Liner Oasis.
BAR DOG
Best: Stoney, the English setter that frequents The Den at the Stoneleigh Hotel, 2927 Maple Ave. (he lives there, too). He’s so cute, and we wanted to take a picture of him, but he’s away for a few weeks at obedience school in Mexico. We like Stoney the very best when he’s asleep.
Worst: The crowd at Sam’s Cafe at The Crescent on Thursdays-if you look closely, you’ll even see some leather collars.
HANGOUT IF YOU WANNA MEET…
Flight attendants: Irvine Ranch Farmers Market in Las Colinas.
Cops/sleazy defense attorneys: The Idle Rich. 1908 Canton.
Advertising types: Stoneleigh P. Beautiful people: Sfuzzi. 2504 McKinney.
TV/radio reporters: Louie’s al 1839 N. Henderson
Bad amateur singers: Chelsea Corner. 4830 McKinney Ave.. on Sunday nights.
FBI agents: Late Night in the West End. 1901 Laws St.
Poets: Club Dada. UT. SMU, Baylor alums: On The Border. 3300 Knox St.
Aggie alums: A Kwik Wash tanning salon.
Divorced North Dallas men oyer thirty-five with a Gold Card that Still works: Randy’s. 15203 Knoll Trail Dr.
Divorced North Dallas women over thirty-five with a Gold Card that doesn’t work: Randy’s. Commercial real estate brokers: Fun Ed classes.
SIGNATURE DRINK
Best: Hemingway’s Mojito at Sam’s Cafe puts all the other “signature drinks” in town to shame. The drink is an original, created by former beverage manager Lewis McHenry after he read about Hemingway’s fondness for the drink. Lacking specifics, McHenry created his own. Here’s the recipe: mix the juice of one lemon and 2 oz. of simple syrup {equal parts sugar and water). Add crushed mint leaves, then strain and add 1 1/2 oz. of rum. Top with club soda and garnish with lemon, lime, and mint leaves.Worst: The so-called celebrity drinks at Chaste Lounge (3010 N. Henderson) are the silliest variations we’ve seen. They’re ordinary drinks that are named for a bunch of Phil and T. Kirk’s friends (see, we can do it too). And they aren’t originals. Bourbon and water? C’mon, you can do better than this.
Drinks we’d like to see: Dale Hansen’s Velvet Hammer: Optifast and Miller Lite; Ross Perot’s bitters and soda with a chaser; Rolando Blackman’s Black Russian: chocolate milk, proceeds donated to charity; The Baby Jessica-any well drink.
BEST BET ON A…
Sunday: Cardinal Puffs, 4615 Greenville, offers a cozy fireplace in the winter and a shaded beer garden in the summer.
Monday: Dallas Alley in the West End brings in top-name entertainment and it’s always free.
Tuesday: Fat Tuesday (6778 Greenville), of course, for wicked frozen drinks.
Wednesday: Mucky Duck, 3102 Welborn in the Centrum, with an eclectic crowd and a true English pub atmosphere.
Thursday: The Mansion, 2821 Turtle Creek Blvd., for great gossip and strong drinks.
Friday: Strictly Tabu, 4111 Lomo Alto, for live jazz and pizza.
Saturday: Villa Margarita (362 Promenade Shopping Center), even if you only watch the Latin dancers.
AFTER-DRINKING HANGOUT
Best: Snuffers at 3526 Greenville for cheddar (not cheese) fries.
Worst: San Francisco Rose. 3024 Greenville, where the help has such an attitude these days that they make you wanna toss a fern through a window.
FREE ENTERTAINMENT
Best: The Potatoes, a witty, funky “anti-band,” does two free shows on Friday nights at Bar of Soap, 3615 Parry. They do theme nights (Kennedy-A-Go-Go and Dan Quayle night, to name a couple), and the music and the banter are original and fun. Check out the theme from “The Beverly Hillbillies,” renamed “Clampett Rap”-you’ll never hum it the same way again.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
FALL GUY
Strange: A northwest Dallas apartment dweller told police he was shocked when a man and a portion of his ceiling fell onto his living room floor as he watched television one afternoon. Without a word, the man climbed back up into the ceiling and disappeared.
Stranger: A twenty-nine-year-old man fell through the skylight atop Forest Lane Porsche-Audi, crashing fifty feet to the concrete floor. When questioned by police, he said that he waschasing a cat.
Most ironic: After a January ice storm, the roof of a Garland building collapsed under the weight of accumulated ice, The building was the home of Wat’s Roofing.
THE WEIRDEST STORY OF THE YEAR
According to the Irving Daily News, a man from Wood Creek, Texas, reported he was threatened while out for a walk one evening. The man, who told police he “prefers to be considered a female.” said he was “following the moon” when a motorist stopped, grabbed his arm, and pulled him toward the car. The frightened man broke away from the stranger and ran to a telephone to contact the police. When police arrived, the man told the officers that he had just been released from Parkland Hospital after suffering premature labor pains. He told officers he was pregnant and did not want the stress involved in pursuing the matter.
DUMB CONTEST
Best: Peter and Maryellen Polichetti stayed lip-locked for almost twenty-seven hours in their pursuit of first place in the Great Dallas Kiss-Off last Valentine’s Day. The year before, the couple won a trip to Hawaii with one kiss that lasted more than fifty-eight hours.
Worst: Twelve tiny tough guys vied for the title of Mr. Puniverse. with Richard Nelson, a 125-pound computer refurbisher, winning the crown and a trip to Fort Lauderdale, where he no doubt had plenty of sand kicked in his face.
‧ OUR ANIMAI ‧ FRIENDS
The bizarre practice of parrot-swapping came to Mesquite when a man swiped a $500 blue front Amazon parrot by switching it out with a less expensive model perched in a pet shop.
Sibling rivalry turned serious in mid-June when a man sicked his pit bull terrier on his sister after a disagreement. The woman had to barricade herself in the bedroom.
When a mounted policeman stopped a man for littering on a downtown street, it was like a sequel to Blazing Saddles. The irate litterer struck the officer’s horse in the face with both hands.
A man whose car got towed away at the Texxas Jam went to the towing company, where he argued and refused to pay the fees to get his car. About forty-five minutes later, he returned, pulled a dead skunk from a paper bag, and threw it at the attendant.
STUPID MAN TRICK
Bad: A twenty-two-year-old man was filling up his car at a service station when a woman walked up behind him and ordered him to remove his pants. Without turning around, the man shucked down. The woman fled with the pants and the man’s wallet, which contained about $1,200.Worse: Coppell’s firefighters had to go for the burn in daily aerobics classes designed to help them lose weight. “What we do is not Jane Fonda,” said fire chief Jackie Mayfield. “It is designed for firemen.”
Worst timing: County Commissioner John Wiley Price was lecturing kids at Seagoville High School. To illustrate a point about international monetary exchange, Price reached into his wallet for a dollar bill. Out fell a condom. Staying cool, Price tucked the device back into his wallet and resumed his lecture, which was being videotaped.
PROOF THAT CRIME DOES NOT PAY
Good: While Steven Davidson was being arrested for theft of a S9.97 knife at a Sears store, someone else was stealing his bicycle, wallet, tools, and radio-worth a total of $610.Better: Anthony DeWayne Rudd was held in custody on $1,500 bail, accused of stealing a goat worth $40 and selling it for $10.
RITES
Unusual: Alton Thomas and DeLois Ledbetter, two dedicated body builders, got married at the Corner Gym in DeSoto amid barbells and exercise benches.
More unusual: Another couple, Rhonda Rogan and Richard Hirst, got married in a plane 24,000 feet above Dallas.
EXAMPLE OF PEROT-STROM
Best: Discussing Ross Perot’s role in the NCNB/First RepublicBank buyout, one government official told Newsweek that Perot was “a sort of Texas pope sprinkling holy water on a non-Texas takeover of a sacred Texas bank.”
Worst: When Perot’s daughter-in-law was found in possession of a firearm during a traffic stop, she was not arrested. The officer said he believed the Perot family was allowed to carry weapons ’’because of their special security needs.”
NEW FLAME, OLD FLAME STORY
New: A dancer at La Bare set fire to the ceiling while using “’flash paper” to heat up his act. Several patrons thought it was Just part of the show until the flames started to spread.
Old: What else is new? The Willow Creek Apartments had yet another fire.
PROOF THAT WHAT YOU D0N’T KNOW CAN HURT YOU
Best: The trend in using old watch faces as necklaces, earrings, and pins seemed harmless enough until Dr. Jose Lopez put his Geiger counter to work. The old watch faces contain radium, and excessive doses can lead to Cancer.
Also good: The builders of Starplex sent numerous construction reports to the wrong city department and didn’t realize that their liaison in that department had died.
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Most profitable: For almost a year, Hilton Lashawn Williams passed himself off as rhythm and blues singer Shirley Murdock. Dressed in spangled gowns, his size ten feet crammed into high heels, his hair dyed apricot and fitted into cornrows, Williams lived high and spent big, forging the singer’s name on phony checks from four bank accounts. He now sings the blues in a Texas prison.
Hardest to believe: Autograph seekers at the Hyatt Regency Hotel mistook city manager Richard Knight, who is under six feet, for one of the Los Angeles Lakers. Knight happened to be walking by as the team left for Reunion Arena. The confusion started, Knight said, after one kid asked for his autograph. “The next thing I knew, I was surrounded. They must think I was the shortest Laker in history.”
Longest-running: For years, voters and listeners have confused State District Judge Ron Chapman with KVIL deejay Ron Chapman-a mistake that probably adds a few votes to the judge’s victory margins. According to a tongue-in-cheek program note for a recent SMU Law School benefit, Judge Chapman’s most interesting case this year “involves tracking down over $200,000 in campaign contributions which were mistakenly delivered to radio station KVIL.”
PROOF THAT WE DO NEED A KINDER, GENTLER NATION
Good: A Parker County woman didn’t much care for the new ’do her beautician gave her. Brandishing a rifle, she demanded a refund before roaring away in a bright orange pickup.
Better: Two truck-drivin’ mamas argued via CB radio over who had the largest breasts. They decided to meet at Truck Stops of America to see just whose cups ranneth over the most. One of the women grabbed a tire tool and whacked her bosom companion five times before police were able to arrest her. Ladies, please.
STORY OF RIGHTS AND WURRUNGS Best: Tana Sims, who was representing the Dallas region in the National Spelling Bee, was knocked out of Round Six when she spelled wurrung wrong. A wurrung is an Australian nail-tailed wallaby, of course. Of course.
Worst Asking kids to spell wurrung right is rong, we thank.
WHILE MILLIONS STARVE, DRINK DULL WATER, AND PLAY IN THE STREET
Dorothy LaDue, Nancy Brinker, and other socialites gave a lavish luncheon/shower at the Mansion-for Sharon McCutchin’s two new puppies. Among other gifts, the plutocrat pups received a Waterford crystal water dish and matching mink coats.
At a water-tasting contest at The Spa at The Crescent, food and wine connoisseurs decided that the best local tap water came from-you guessed it-Highland Park.
Some North Dallas parents spent two months-and the city spent $14,000-while parents bickered about the color scheme of Northaven Park. Key disputes: should the slides and other playground equipment be done in earth tones or primary colors? Someone has to make the tough calls.
Rocker Elton John and his entourage ran up an $8,000 dinner tab at the Mansion. That’s what happens when you start on that ’61 Chateau Margaux at $1,200 a bottle.
BAD EXCUSE
For being pregnant: “Dear Abby” (Abigail Van Buren), speaking in Dallas, read a letter from a Fort Worth girl: “I’m fifteen years old and I think I may he pregnant. But worse than that, if I am pregnant I won’t know who the father is because my mother won’t let me go steady.”
For running late: A Dallas officer, late to work, told his supervisors he had been robbed and kidnapped at gunpoint. Nobody bought the story, and he was later placed on administrative leave.
PROOF THAT DAN QUAYLE IS NOT ALONE
Good: A Dallas woman paid retired commandos to kidnap her daughter from her ex-husband in Jordan. After paying somewhere between $100,000 and $250,000 for the girl’s return, she learned that the ex never wanted the daughter in the first place.
Best: A woman was arrested for investigation of theft after she told a bank she had inherited $100 million. She had tried to use the bank’s checks to buy three luxurious homes and a Cadillac, which she would have enjoyed for all of a week until the checks bounced.
FEARHERED FIENDS STORY
Best: Dive-bombing grackles randomly ambushed pedestrians-mostly men- who wandered too close to the birds’ nests near the Trammell Crow Center.
PROOF THAT THE FREE MARKET WORKS IN STRANGE WAYS Best: The Wear and Share earring is not just for looks. It’s a pair of colored condoms with scalloped edges, advertised as “ear-responsible earrings.”Worst: The Great American Smoker’s Club started all-smoking flights from Addison Airport to Houston and other cities.
REASON TO GIVE UP VICES
Good: When a woman in Judge Leonard Hoffman’s state district court pleaded poverty, the judge ordered her to quit smoking in thirty days, on the grounds that jobless people had no business wasting their money.
Best: A North Richland Hills man and the Adolph Coors Brewery finally agreed on a settlement of his claim, six years after the man allegedly found the headless body of a mouse in a bottle of Herman Joseph’s 1868 premium beer. According to the man’s attorney, he hasn’t had a drink since.
WORST COUNCIL MEETING
June 8, when council member Diane Ragsdale and police supporter Carrie Delano exploded on camera.
● CRIME STORIES ●
Someone stole a 600-pound heart machine from a van belonging to a Dallas medical supply company. Imagine the scene at the pawn shop….
McGruff the Police Dog (actually Garland policeman J.D. Bettes) was returning from a crime prevention talk when he and his partner received a call on a forgery in progress-(a slow writer?)-at a nearby MBank. Bettes shed his dog disguise and answered the call.
Prosecutors in seven of Dallas County’s felony courts had files stolen from their courtrooms in April. It was part of a “sting” operation by District Attorney John Vance, who had warned prosecutors to lock up files and decided to see who was listening.
Someone rustled Louie, a golden palomino with a white mane, from the carousel at Six Flags. Is nothing sacred?
A Richardson high school student, charged with robbery for bullying students out of their lunch money, had his bail set at $100,000. It was later reduced to $2,000.
When a stripper at The Fare Club threw her $60 bra into the audience, one customer must have figured that was about as close as he would get. He picked up the bra and absconded with it.
The Dallas Public Library’s copy of the Texas Declaration of Independence, donated by a group of investors including Starke Taylor and Robert Folsom, was revealed to be a fake.
Would-be robbers stopped a man in a supermarket parking lot and demanded money. Why him? “You look like a yuppie,” they told the man.
Shortly after being sworn in as the city’s new police chief, Mack Vines was slapped with a parking ticket.
A young man was arrested after using a 1977 T-bird to knock down nineteen stop signs in an eight-block area.
UNACCEPTABLE LOSS
Bad: A Garland couple’s “dream house” was torn down days before they were to move in. Nobody knows why; the owner didn’t order the destruction, but the wreckers had the proper papers, so there it went.
Worse: Mark Hill of Fort Worth rented storage space from National Self Storage so he could safeguard his deceased mother’s belongings-including her wedding band, an American flag that had draped the former Navy nurse’s coffin, and other heirlooms that had been in the family for three generations. Unfortunately, the storage folks got confused and sold everything at an auction. Hill says the manager told him, “This sort of thing happens all the time, and it was just too bad.”
DIRTY STORY
Best: For Christmas, Barbara Bull received a bag of dirt from her relatives. Oh. how.. nice. However, this was no average dirtbag, but one purchased at the Crater of Diamonds in Arkansas. And in the bag was a ruby about the size of a ping pong ball.
Worst: A “’sexual offense report” was filed against two Parkland nurses who had “used sorcery” on a man in the psychiatric ward, a procedure that is probably not covered on most insurance plans. The thermally aggrieved patient said the nurses were trying to “paralyze” him while inserting a rectal thermometer.
BEASON FOR DELAY
Bad: To get a local operator from the Dallas County Courthouse, you have to dial 1. 6, a four-digit authorization code, 9, 1, 0, 2, 8, 8, and 0. On the old system, you just dialed 9 and then 0.
Worst: At the memorial service for slain police Corporal Walter Williams, the news crew for Channel 5 asked for a few minutes’ delay in placing Williams’s casket in the hearse. They wanted to carry the scene live on the noon news.
USE OF VEGETABLE
Best: San Simeon and Petaluma restaurants celebrated The Asparagus Festival in April with a kickoff dinner, daily asparagus specials, and special events.
Worst: At least forty Irving residents filed complaints stating that someone threw potatoes through their windows.
MIXED MESSAGE
Best: An SMU press release, distributed by wire to media across the Southwest, took note of Ross Perot’s million-dollar gift to the school: “Perot said the gift-his first to SMU-recognized the university’s commitment to placing athletics ahead of academics.” Uh-oh.
Worst: When the Dan Quayle/National Guard flap started, the News reported on its front page that “a friend of Quayle’s wealthy and influential family confirmed that he had used his connections to help Quayle get into the Guard.” In the same edition, an editorial disagreed: “No evidence of Sen. Quayle having exerted undue influence in order to gain entry into. . .the Guard… has been brought forward.” Left hand, meet right hand.
CROOKED QUOTE
Good: From Russia with love? Boris Shapiro, a Soviet immigrant who police said was operating one of the largest “escort” service networks in Dallas, was charged with promoting prostitution. Shapiro said he came to the United States “with a hope for a better life.”
Best: On the day when the Dapper Bandit was captured and shot himself, police Corporal Dan Carpenter, who was on the scene, said this of the veteran bank robber: “I hope I’m able to ask him someday why he would want to do it that way instead of spending a few years in the penitentiary and writing a book and making an honest million.”
Most inventive: Ernie Colaizzi, owner of the Back Talk Bird Center, was trying to help find the rightful owner of a green-winged macaw. He had a plan: surely the rightful owner of the bird would know how to talk to it. So people claiming to own the bird would call in with phrases; if the bird responded, that would prove ownership, Colaizzi thought. Alas, some of the callers must have thought the bird had an X-rated vocabulary. “All kinds of fruitcakes have been calling,” said the frustrated bird decoder. “I won’t even mention the four-letter words they’ve tried.”
Most honest: A security guard at the New World Apartments saw a large man walk off with a ladder from a construction site in the complex. When the guard asked what was going on, the man said, “I need the ladder to get onto that balcony to steal a bike to ride home.” He told the truth, and like our new vice-president, he damn sure never burned the American flag, but the guard still held him for the police.
STRANGE INTERLUDE
In fighting suit: Police arrested a man performing martial arts exercises on a Love Field runway. The man was dressed to resemble a Ninja warrior and was waving a set of nunchaku, two sticks linked by a chain.
In birthday suit: A naked woman streaked into Dan’s Lakewood Cafe late one night and started wrecking the place. She broke dishes and knocked the cash register over.
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Seen on a Pizza Inn marquee: “Say no to drugs. Say yes to New York style pizza.”
A nonsmoker was pushed through a plate-glass window after a dispute over the proper puffing area at Barbec’s Restaurant on Garland Road.
A man arrested in the shooting death of a Dallas police officer claimed to have an airtight alibi: he was watching “People’s Court” at the time, he said, and he offered to prove it by citing details from the show.
Quote from a Dallas lawyer, describing the Dallas economy to The New York Times: “The bottom has gone to the top, and the top has gone to the bottom, à la the French Revolution or the Russian Revolution.”
Irene Walter was upset because she thought tenants in two of her apartments were selling drugs, so she decided to clean house. She posted a sign saying that drugs were available in the two apartment
Bumper sticker: “Evangelist do more than lay people.”
Forty-seven prostitutes were picked up in one evening on Harry Hines Boulevard. Said vice Lieutenant E.W. Smith: “I can’t explain it, unless economic conditions are having an impact and things are looking better in the city.” Guess people are using their indiscretionary income.
