THE TIMID TRAVELER’S GUIDE TO DEEP ELLUM

Forget the stories about Deep Ellum-the ill-spirited skinheads, the police busts, the fights. Fotget the photographs you’ve seen of the strange hair and the ugly black clothes. Well, now for the truth. Deep Ellum has really become very normal, boasting more places for adults than for spacey kids. To help you, the uninitiated and the afraid, those who fear their heads will be bashed in by a Nazi with a tire iron, we offer a one-night tour of Deep Ellum.

1. Start your Deep Ellum evening earl A lot of first-timers show up at midnight, are forced to park on a dark side street, and decide that they’re too scared to leave their cars. So, at 9: 30, park along the 2700 block of Elm and go to the Deep Ellum Cafe for your first drink (you might also want to dine here; the reviews have made this place out to be the next Tavern on the Green). The people here, you will leam, are very calm. Newcomers expecting all Deep Ellum regulars to be “on something” or trying to “make a statement” may be surprised: a lot of them actually like to sit and drink a glass of chablis.

2. It’s time to get in the mood. At 11 p. m. walk east to The Video Bar. The night owls will be emerging on the street by now, and hey! Not one of them stuck out a knife! In fact, they’re ignoring you. At The Video Bar, you will see completely neurotic people on the screen singing in completely neurotic videos, and dancing on the stage below the screen will be young people dressed exactly like the people in the videos. You’ll be bored in thirty minutes unless you had a lobotomy just before you went out. Pack up your things and take a deep breath because it’s time for…

3. Club Clearview. Two doors down from The Video Bar, at the intersection of Crowdus and Elm, is the club with enough bizarro treats to make a newcomer believe he has come to the avant-garde’s Six Flags Over Texas. But here’s a little secret. The owners can use all the cover charges they can get, so they’ll happily let in a guy in a three-piece suit. You won’t get bored by the passing parade for a long time, but when you do, head out the front door and go to:

4. The Prophet Bar. Walk a couple of blocks south on Crowdus and turn right at Commerce. There, on your right, will be the nightclub that was once the repository of chic, artistic drunkenness, but is now a Christian nightclub. No alcohol, no sexy women in torn shirts and miniskirts. Watch yourself. After Club Clearview, this could be real culture shock.

5. It’s time to be ultra-hip, Walk the two blocks back to your car, drive east on Commerce to Good-Latimer, turn left, and then take a left at Swiss Avenue. Two blocks on your left is the Empire, the beautiful people’s lounge and dance club. Don’t worry. Unless you look like Porter Wagoner, they’ll let you in. They’ll give you a disdainful look if you’re not sleek and fashionable, but it’s worth it to see the whorehouse interior and everyone sitting on couches and talking about themselves.

6. How about ending the evening with old-fashioned rock? Get back in your car, drive up to Good-Latimer again, turn right, go a few lights to Canton Street, and turn left. You’ll see Tommy’s Deep Ellum on your left, a cavernous club that started out as a country-western honky conk but has since gone to rock, bringing in new regional groups and occasionally old favorites like The Guess Who. You’ll see the same old crowd that you’ve seen at these places for the last fifteen years.

Back home, it’s time to sum up. Was it all that different? Hmmmm. Were there a lot of unusual people? Hmmmm, But just think. If everyone starts taking the Deep Ellum bar tour, then at least the trendy writers will have something else to write about again.