BEST & WORST

THE BRITISH DO THESE THINGS SO WELL. IN PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, MR. BENNETT silenced his piano-playing daughter with this subtle admonishment: “You have entertained us quite enough for one evening.”

They knew how to do it in vaudeville, too. Second-rate comedians and crooners lived in fear of The Hook. One too many cornball jokes or fractured notes, and out came the stage manager’s hook. The audience had been entertained quite enough for one evening.

We got to thinking about the hook while compiling this eleventh annual Best & Worst. So many people, we discovered, were sorely in need of the hook. Why, here’s Doug Cosbie making another speech about oppressed Cowboys millionaires. “Get the hook for Cos,” someone would yell. A good newscast is scratched to make room for “Wheel of Fortune.” Get the hook for whoever hooked the newscast. What’s this? Another outrageous lie or fiscal flip-flop by blustering Bill Clements? Two hooks for the Guv, please. Spuds Mackenzie visits Dallas? A hook, maestro, and say nothing to the SPCA. Shirley MacLaine? Channeling? When Rabbit Howls? Hooks, hooks, hooks.

Besides a caravan of candidates for Hook City, we’ve got hundreds of people, places, things, and events that will remind you that life is worth living in Dallas even if Cowboys like Jeff Rohrer refuse to live here during the off-season!!! Yes, we’ve got the best crime story, best sushi, best new product, best Black Monday story, best drink, and oodles more.

And now, off you go, to peruse the year’s offerings, to contemplate, as it were, the-oh no! not the hoo-PHOTO OPPORTUNITY

Worst: This photo of Mayor Annette Strauss taking the oath of office should have carried the caption: “C’mon, Annette. You won, remember?”

CAMPAIGN PHOTO

Worst: Jim Buerger, who ran for mayor, is articulate, dedicated, and committed to Dallas. After his loss, he offered his services to the city as a DART board member. We like Jim, though nobody ever said he was Mr. Photogenic. For the last time (we hope), here’s that awful campaign photo.



POLITICAL ANIMALS

Original: Tom Williams, a rock musician and freelance draftsman, got rid of his mohawk, put on a suit, and filed for city council. If elected, Williams said, he would close the zoo and “liberate” the animals. Will the councilman from Club Clearview please sit down?

Obscure: Ross Perot had this analysis of the legislature’s budget problems: “I imagine the squirrels in the lawn have a budget, and I don’t mean it in that context.” Perot was addressing a group of neurosurgeons.

Disgusting: On the first day of council action after Mayor Strauss was sworn in, her choice for mayor pro tern, Craig Holcomb, was passed over. “Everybody’s sniffing each other,” said Charles Terrell, a Strauss adviser.

REASON TO HIRE A PRESS AGENT

Best: Caroline Hunt was pictured in the Globe, one of the world’s most flamboyant tabloids, with a photo caption reading, “World’s Richest Woman is a Pumpkin Freak.” Claiming that pumpkins are Hunt’s one real passion in life, the article said that she will often put down her knitting to watch Mansion chef Dean Fearing make such things as pumpkin cheesecake.

Worst: Dallas Morning News business columnist Robert Miller, describing the sophisticated journalist and arts writer Patsy Swank and her new local arts magazine, wrote: “Note the classy lass on the move.”



COLOR STORY

Best: County Commissioner John Wiley Price told middle school students that four American presidents (Jefferson, Jackson, Lincoln, and Harding) were legally black because they had at least one-sixteenth Negro blood, meeting the definition of “Negro” at the time.



MISPRINT

Best: The “Dear Abby” column in the Dallas Times Herald for November 2 suggested that a man’s hiccups were cured temporarily through the use of carbon monoxide. The newspaper apologized a few days later, saying that it was actually carbon dioxide that was the cure.

Worst: In a JCPenney ad for recliners that ran in The Dallas Morning News, a photo of John Hinckley was accidentally slipped into the slot where the recliner should have been pictured.



REASON TO SLEEP LATEGood: According to a Times Herald article, “people who sleep less than four hours a night have a 180 percent chance of dying at an early age.” The stuff these scientists dig up. . .

Best: Sleeping in on Sundays will help you avoid the tissue-thin, slapdash columns Dan Jenkins writes in the Herald. The man will do anything, however poorly, for the money. Read his books instead.

JUST THE FACTS, MA’AM

Best: Defending a client charged with involuntary manslaughter stemming from a fatal traffic accident, attorney Herb Green blamed his client’s actions on narcolepsy. Later, Green asked prospective jurors if they would be biased against a defendant afflicted by necrophilia. He made the mistake twice more before prosecutors rose to suggest that he might have his signals crossed.

Most baffling: First City ran a large ad in the September 8 edition of The Dallas Morning News proclaiming: “Fact: First City has brought over $1.2 billion in new capital to Texas this year.” On the front page of the same paper two days later was the headline: “$1.5 billion First City bailout planned.”

Worst: During a “Nightline” program on “shock radio,” host Ted Koppel twice stated that KEGL’s blue whale, Moby, had the top-rated show in the Dallas market. At the time, Moby was actually in the sixth spot, far behind KVIL’s Ron Chapman-a fact that Chapman pointed out, hilariously, the next morning.



DRINKSE HANGOUTS



SERIOUS DRINKS FOR SERIOUS DRINKERS

Best: Louie’s at 1839 N. Henderson, where bartender/owner Louie Canelakes and his able crew pour great drinks at reasonable prices.

Worst: Studebaker’s at NorthPark East pours the wimpiest drinks we’ve tasted in a long time.



PLACE TO MEET PEOPLE

Best: The Chaise Lounge, 3010 N. Henderson, where the people are friendly and the atmosphere is loud and rowdy-so loud, in fact, that you probably won’t hear much of what your new acquaintance is saying, which could be a blessing.

Worst: There’s no such thing.



BARTENDER

Best: Sonny Skrakowski at Ruggeri’s Ristorante, 2911 Routh St. He remembers your name, he remembers your drink, and he’s there when you need him.

Worst: We agree with reader Mary Lueckemeyer. The bartenders and waitresses at the Lounge next door to the Inwood Theatre are the absolute rudest.



AL FRESCO DINING

Best: Cremona Bistro Italiano at 3136 Routh St. You don’t know exactly where you are, but it doesn’t look like typical Dallas al fresco, which usually involves inhaling exhaust fumes and watching people run yellow lights. At Cremona, no one drives by unless they’re coming to Cremona, and the place is decorated with little Christmas lights all year round.



BAR ART

Best: Almost everything at the Hard Rock Cafe.

Worst: A real child’s tombstone decorated with Day-Glo paint at Club Clearview. Yuck.



PLACE TO BUY A KEG

Best: The Parkit Market Food Store at 4724 Greenville is our readers’ favorite, drawing several nominations. They like the service, the prices (a sixteen-gallon keg with ice and cups starts at $39.99), and the Todora family, owners for twenty-five years. We like them because they put the kegs in your car even if you don’t ask and they don’t deposit your deposit check, they hold it. Bounce a check, though, and you die.



MARTINI

Best: The Lounge next to the Inwood Theatre. See Worst Bartender if you don’t think we try to be fair about this.

Best “dirty” martini: Ask for a dirty Mono Polowa martini at Baby Routh, 2708 Routh St., and get ready to fall in love. It’s made with real potato vodka and olive juice, hold the vermouth.



BIRDWATCHING

Best: Grab your binoculars and wander around Preston Hollow. Our trusty scouts have spotted wild ducks, woodpeckers, screech owls, and finches-the best seasons are fall and winter when the migratory birds soar through. The most impressive in-town sighting we heard about was in the Bent Tree neighborhood, where two birdwatchers spotted a flight of pelicans circling and flying south.

Worst: The same guy who saw the pelicans says he’s never seen a bird outside of Adair’s.



A BAR FOR ALL SEASONS

Summer: On The Border, 3300 Knox. Margaritas are summery, al fresco is summery, and the crowds are definitely summery. If you go here without a tan you’ll wish you hadn’t.

Fall: The Chaise Lounge. This place looks so much like fall that we expect to see leaves on the floor.

Winter The Library at the Melrose Hotel, Oak Lawn at Cedar Springs. You probably expected us to mention one of those places with a fake fireplace, but fake fireplaces aren’t winter. Cozy surroundings, upholstered chairs, and a bookish look are winter, and The Library has the right feel to it.

Spring: Cardinal Puff’s, 4615 Greenville. The patio is pretty, with blooming plants scattered around, and although many people think of Puff’s as a summer place, we like it best when it’s barely warm enough to sit outside.



ROMANTIC BAR

Best: The Grape, 2808 Greenville, is so romantic that you can get sentimental about just about anyone here.

Second best: San Francisco Rose, 3024 Greenville, with its cozy couches.

Worst: Dick’s Last Resort, corner of Ross and Record. It’s good for a lot of things, but romance isn’t one of them.



THE NATIONAL DRINK OF DALLAS

The number crunchers tell us that D’s readers drink more margaritas than the readers of any other magazine in America, so we take this portion of our Best & Worst research quite seriously. Over a six-month period, we drank margaritas at more than one hundred different bars and restaurants. In each case we ordered a “top shelf margarita, on the rocks without salt. If all the margaritas we sampled in this quest were laid end to end on LBJ Freeway- what a waste of good tequila.

The best margarita was a tie between the “El Margarita” ($3.75) at Desperados, 4818 Greenville, and the “El Patron” ($3.95) at Cantina Laredo, 4546 Belt Line, Addison. Both start with Sauza Conmemorativo Tequila. Cointreau is obligatory, of course. Desperados finishes with fresh lime, while Cantina Laredo adds a dash of Grand Marnier and a special mix made by El Chico. The worst margarita was at Snuffer’s, 3526 Greenville. . .sweet and smarmy. It tasted completely pre-mixed. A disappointment at any price.



NEW FROZEN DRINKPrettiest: The Swirl at Uncle Julio’s, 4125 Lemmon Ave., made with frozen Sangria and frozen margaritas. It looks like something you’d buy at Six Flags, but it’s stronger than it looks-much stronger.

Strongest: The Crawgator at Fat Tuesday, 6778 Greenville, is made with-hang on to your hat-light rum, dark rum, 151 rum, Everclear, brandy, orange juice, pineapple juice, and a secret ingredient.

Smoothest: Bellinis at Sfuzzi, 2504 McKinney Ave., made with peach nectar, champagne, and-guess what?-a secret ingredient.



EXCUSE FOR A LARGE RESTAURANTWorst: The Cadillac Bar, 5919 Maple Ave. We feel like we’re sitting in a mine shaft surrounded by a bunch of loonies with Magic Markers, and just when we think it couldn’t get worse, in come a bunch of waiters and kitchen workers banging pots and pans and the infamous screaming Tequila Shot woman. Now we know how Baby Jessica felt.



HOSTS

Best: Hands down, this award goes to Nigel Shanley and Bryan Sync at the Hard Rock’s Cheese Club. They treat everyone like royalty here, which is just as it should be at a private club, but often isn’t. One recent newcomer to The Cheese Club was raving about the reception her party received there and asked if this was a trend in Dallas clubs. Alas, no.



PLACE TO HANG OUT IN AN AIRPORTBest: Terminal 3E at D/FW boasts a Haagen-Dazs ice cream shop, an Admiral’s Club, a barber shop for men and women, a chapel, newsstands, shops, restaurants, and more. In the works for 1988 are a bookstore, a Mexican cantina, and a pizza joint.

Worst: Anywhere in Love Field. You can’t get there, you can’t park, you can’t get picked up, you can’t get dropped off, you can’t get your luggage, and you can’t get anything to eat that’s decent.



PLACE TO SEE WOMEN WITH BOWS IN THEIR HAIRBest: At a Highland Park High School football game.

Worst: At the Mesquite Rodeo.

FOOD & RESTAIRANTS



CHEESECAKE

Best: Mazelle’s, 2603 Southwell Rd. Sublime, decadently flavored, outrageously expensive, and worth it.

Second best: New York, Texas, Cheesecake, Box 220, LaRue, Texas. As rich and zesty as its maker: Lyn Dunsavage, founder of the Dallas Downtown News.



JEWISH RYE BREAD

Best: Preizler’s, 116 Preston Valley Shopping Center. There’s Jewish rye bread, and then there’s Preizler’s Jewish rye bread. This is the real thing.



SUSHI

Best: Mr. Sushi, 4860 Belt Line. For months we’ve been trying to live down these words in our dining listings: “It’s all raw fish to me. . .” Herein, Our Word: the best selection, the best quality, the best presentation, the best sushi chefs, and the best service west of Tokyo are here.

Best bargain: Shinano Japanese Restaurant, 8830 Spring Valley Rd. On the first Monday of each month, those cute little seaweed rolls and squiggly ocean treasures are a bargain: 15 percent off at the sushi bar.



COLD APPETIZER

Best: Las Tres Islas at Genaro’s Tropical, 5815 Live Oak. We fell for a tour of tastes from the Caribbean: ceviche, scallops, and shrimp, and we like it with hot Latin jazz.



HOT APPETIZER

Best: Italchos, Terilli’s, 2815 Greenville Ave. Instead of tortillas, you get fried pizza dough. Instead of refried beans, you get tomato sauce. Instead of jalapenos, you get artichoke hearts. Instead of heartburn, you get arnore.

BAGELS

Best: Bagelstein’s, 8104 Spring Valley Rd. We never stop searching for the perfect bagel. Now we’re told that our water is not New York’s water, and that’s why our bagels aren’t as good. But the next best thing to being there is at Bagelstein’s.



RESTROOMS

Best: Atlantic Cafe, 4546 McKinney. Described by one staffer as so clean, shiny, and well appointed that “they make you want to go.”

Worst: Adair’s, Chelsea Corner, Herrera’s. Hunky’s, Knox St. Pub. They’re either filthy, tiny, in need of repairs, or all three, so it’s a five-way tie; you decide.

Most hazardous: The bar at Beau Nash at The Crescent. Just try negotiating those twenty-seven marble steps and four landings after a couple of drinks, especially if you’re a woman in high heels. We just thank heaven for those thirteen brass knobs to guide us down.



PLEBEIAN BURGERSBest: Goffs. 5702 W. Lovers Ln. Harvey Goff is a maniac of mythic status, but he was charcoal-grilling hamburgers before God invented mesquite.



UPSCALE BURGERSBest: Baby Routh, 2708 Routh St. The hickory-smoked burger with onion rings, at $6.50, is, as they say, to die for. But hold the smoked pepper cacciota (cheese, to us plain folks).



HOSPITAL FOOD

Best-looking: Medical City Dallas Hospital, 7777 Forest Ln. In an attempt to “make hospital food a work of art,” Med City hired food artist Robert Bifulco to hold workshops for the staff.

Worst: Parkland Hospital, 5201 Harry Hines. How to tell it’s really bad: the employees go next door to the medical school to eat.



CHILI CON QUESOBest: Garcia’s Caribbean Grill, 3830 W. Northwest Highway. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again, and we’re glad reader John P. Owen agrees. In his words, “Take it from a native Texan who has had to suffer the Mexican food in Colorado, Arizona, Florida, and God help me, New York, this creamy concoction of blended cheeses and spinach is a knockout.”

EXPENSIVE DINING EXPERIENCE

Best: The Wine Cellar at The Mansion on Turtle Creek, 2821 Turtle Creek Blvd. This may be the ultimate meal that money can buy-lots of money, as in $75 to $300 per person. Picture you and eleven of your best friends ordering from a custom menu and surrounded by a half-a-million-dollar collection of rare wine. And weep.

EXPENSIVE DINING EXPERIENCE

Best: The Wine Cellar at The Mansion on Turtle Creek, 2821 Turtle Creek Blvd. This may be the ultimate meal that money can buy-lots of money, as in $75 to $300 per person. Picture you and eleven of your best friends ordering from a custom menu and surrounded by a half-a-million-dollar collection of rare wine. And weep.

Worst: It began as a normal night at Chez Gerard, Guy Calluaud’s wonderful French bistro on McKinney. Then a pair of robbers swept through and took more than $200,000 in cash and jewelry from the unsuspecting guests. “Everyone was just sitting there, having dinner, and all of a sudden they were real poor,” said a North Dallas woman who was there.

MUFFINS

Best: J D’s Chippery, 6601 Hillcrest, Suite A. If you can stomach the gooey guy who dispenses them, you’ll flip over the fabulous selection of yummy muffins at this H.P./SMU hangout. Our money’s on the pumpkin.



DINING IN THE COUNTRY CLOSE TO THE CITY

Best: The Abbey in Frisco, 7185 Main St. The atmosphere is relaxed, the service is great, there’s a good selection of wines by the glass, and the food-from buffalo chicken wings to steak and shrimp to fresh fish specials-is fresh and well prepared. To get there, drive north on Preston Road to Frisco-it takes about twenty minutes from LBJ. Go west on Main (Highway 720), and The Abbey is about one mile down on your left. One word of caution: dinner service ends at 9 p.m. You’re in the country, remember?



DESSERT

Best: The Chocolate Glob at Parigi’s, 3311 Oak Lawn. This decadence is truly a glob-of underdone brownie served warm, with whipped cream.



SANDWICH OF THE TIMES

Best: Ollie, the All-American Hero, was introduced by the Hefty Hero Sandwich Shop in the Corner Shopping Center at Walnut Hill Lane and Central Expressway. The Ollie is made with “a lot of beef, a little bologna, and, of course, shredded lettuce.”



PASTA SALAD TO GO

Best: Lombardi’s Expresso, 6135 Luther Ln. Here’s what we like: a selection that varies daily, olive oil, not gobs of mayonnaise, and taste combinations that never clash. Here’s what we really like: a hearty one-cup serving for $1.95.



DEAL ON A SALAD BAR

Best: Cafe Verde, Sheraton Dallas Hotel, 400 N. Olive St. This bonanza for downtown lunchers was submitted by reader Merike Mai Poldma, who likes the spread (twenty-five to thirty items) and the price: $4.95 for you and an additional $1 for your friend.



CATFISH

Best: Aw Shucks, three locations. Try to top the light, clean taste of Aw Shucks’ batter.



●●● Ask The Experts: Three Taste Tests ●●●



DESIGNER PIZZAS

Rationale: With chefs running out of new things to blacken, there emerges a new edible icon: the designer pizza. California cuisine invades Italian, with exotic ingredients like goat cheese and puréed spinach sharing a bed of crust with smoked salmon and capers. Who better to judge designer pizzas than designers?

Pizzas by: Nero’s Italian, Acapella Cafe (formerly Adriano’s), 311 Lombardi’s, Ciao, Massimo da Milano, Sfuzzi

Judges: (left to right) Victor Costa, known for his elegant ball gowns; Paul Neinast, hair designer to the stars; Randell Wright, vice president of design for Peter Wolf Concepts, a design firm that specializes in theatrical, marketing, and special events

Results: Best-designed pizza: Acapella Cafe, with a beautiful balance of pink salmon, goat cheese, capers, and onions bordered by a thin, braided crust. (Costa: “Now that’s sensual showmanship.”) Best-tasting: Ciao’s entry, called the Franco, offers Italian sausage, pimentos, black olives, mozzarella, herbs, and marinara sauce. Most garlicky: the spinach and gorgonzola concoction from Nero’s Italian. Neinast: “I’ll remember this pizza for a long time-and so will my friends.”



HEALTHY SALADS

Rationale: Lunch hour in these thin times tends to resemble a rabbit run. Herewith, we try our favorite salads on several local bodies known to be fit-and learn this sad lesson: what tastes great may be less filling, but it ain’t always great for you.

Salads by: Houston’s, Deep Ellum Cafe, Simon David, Pyramid Room, Bluebonnet Cafe

Judges: (left to right) Toni Beck, executive director of the Spa at The Crescent; nutritionist Kathleen Duran and Dr. Roy Vartabedian from The Aerobics Center; Kim Dawson, modeling maven; Carla Francis, jewelry store owner with a stunning figure

Results: Healthiest salad: the honors in the health category went to a sliced Oriental duck salad with gingered orange vinaigrette from-of all places-The Pyramid Room. (It’s not on your regular lunch beat?) Best-tasting: a tie between the duck and Simon David’s broccoli and fettuccine (yum!). Worst-tasting healthy salad: the salad sampler from none other than that virtual health palace, the Bluebonnet Cafe. When they say “Tofu?” you say “No, thank you.” (Francis: “I thought I didn’t like nouvelle anymore, but that was before I was reminded of what old-style salads were like.”)



TEX-MEX COMBINATION PLATES

Rationale: We know that a lot of you folks just don’t cotton to crabmeat enchiladas or fajitas with sprouts. So we’re back to basics here: the old combination plate, numero dos, with enchiladas and chili, rice, and beans.

Plates by: Herrera’s, Tejano, Casa Dominguez,El Fenix, Mia’s, and Martinez Cafe

Judges: (left to right) George Toomer, token Anglo, all-around bon vivant, junk food critic; Yolette Garcia, news director at KERA 90.1; Frank Hernandez and Sol Villasana, attorneys;

Results: “It’s unfair.” moaned one judge between bites, “to judge a Mexican restaurant by enchiladas alone.” Sensing a mutiny, we allowed separate, secret ballots for the best beans and rice as well as the best enchilada. Best beans: the frijoles from Tejano? Or the downhome beans from Mia’s? They never could decide. (Toomer, waxing poetic: “Every bean is a unique morsel, each an individual entity. . .”) And thus, a tie. Best rice: the light, fluffy rice from Tejano, which is tossed with slivers of carrot and peas. Best enchilada: Martinez Cafe, though they appeared sixth in a field of six. The runner-up in the enchilada race: good ol’ El Fenix. Best all-round-combo: Mia’s.

BUSINESS



HEATED COMPETITIONBad: Jack Evans Sr.. president and CEO of Dallas’s Cullum Companies Inc., in his Tom Thumb ads for television: “My barbecue sauce smokes the competition” and “Our deodorant has the competition sweating.”

Worst: Ben McClelland, an owner of Casey’s Restaurant in Fort Worth, was sentenced to ten years in jail for setting off a natural gas explosion that destroyed a quarter block of downtown Fort Worth-including his own restaurant- and caused $2.5 million in damage. McClelland had quarreled with a next-door competitor, Santini’s Sub Shop, after Santini’s started serving hamburgers, a specialty at Casey’s.

BLACK MONDAY STORIES

Best: Stockbroker Bob Bagley was formerly known as “Bullish Bob.” After fifteen years at Eppler Guerin & Turner Inc., he decided to make a move to Weber. Hall. Sale & Associates Inc. But his timing was just a little off. While Bagley waited and waited for his license to be transferred to his new firm came some of the biggest trading days in the history of the stock market. While other brokers in town were trading their brains out. collecting fat commissions, Bagley had to sit on his hands.

Almost as good: A senior at Highland Park High School who had been trying to decide between Stanford and Princeton said to his mom on Black Monday: “Guess I’m going to UT”

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

● In March, a new club opened with a most appropriate name-“Borrowed Money,” in Caruth Plaza.

● In the front yard of a housein Highland Park in the 3200block of St. John: “For SaleBy Bank.”

● Seen on a local attorney’sdesk: “Take your time. It Costs$250 per hour

● Clever line going around:”An auditor is a guy who comesinto a company and bayonets thesurvivors.”

● At Cartier in the Galleriashortly after it closed: “Cartierwill be opening soon

● On a billboard on CentralExpressway: “Jesus is thereason for the season. Buymeaningful gifts”-at Joshua’sChristian Store

● After last year’s Super Bowl,a jewelry store ran an ad urgingSuper Bowl winners to invest inout-of-pawn diamonds. And thelosers? “Our loan departmentwelcomes you.”

● A local humanist started ahot line service called “Dial-an-Atheist.”



COMMERCIALS-SO BAD THEY’RE GOOD

● Rodney D. Young InsuranceAgency “Stone Age” ads. Ugh.

● Brown Foundation Repairads (“Are you from a brokenhome?”).

● Bright Bane’s “Ollie North”commercials.

● “The Big Splash”commercials for Sea World ofTexas a! the State Fair of Texasthat made many believe that thewhale was going to beperforming at the fair. Whateverhappened to truth advertising?



GETTING LEAN AND MEAN

Best: Safeway employees didn’t take their employer’s cutback in Texas lightly. They joined forces on the evening of Safeway’s last day of operation, April 24, 1987, to deliver one final message to management: take this vest and burn it. Workers collectively showed management just how lean and mean they could get and burned their vests at the Branding Iron Bar in Fort Worth.

Worst: The Dallas Morning News informed employees that for the best suggestion on how to cut costs dropped into the employee suggestion box, the grand prize would be.. .a flashlight.



VENDING MACHINE PRODUCTS

Best: The reappearance around town of condom machines in not only the men’s but the women’s restrooms.

Worst: Worker’s at an auto body shop in Oak Cliff were shocked to discover that the peanut vending machine was dispensing live baby rats along with the goobers. Thanks, we’ll just have a cockroach.



NEW PRODUCT

Best: Velcro shoelaces for the un-nimble-fingered. At a student invention show in Richardson where students entered products they one day hoped to market, one seventh-grader came up with Velcro [shoelaces that simply need to be crumpled up into a knot. As Curtis Rist pointed out in the Morning News, the advantage is they don’t untie easily; the disadvantage is they don’t untie easily.

Bad: Dr. Jim Gilmore, a cosmetic surgeon, offers clients a pin-up calendar with a different staff member pictured for each month. Even Gilmore’s sixty-plus Aunt Ida was pictured-she’s the pin-up for September.

Worst: Tin The Hoot On The Neut,” a new game “designed exclusively to add fun and excitement to baby showers” created by Dallas native Claudia Rasmussen. A variation on Pin the Tail on the Donkey, this poster of a sexless child gels pinned with little male and female symbols that Rasmussen cleverly calls “hoots.” Says Rasmussen: “I thank God every day for giving me the courage and determination to ’deliver’ a women’s game into the business world.”



INNOVATION WE DIDN’T KNOW WE NEEDED

Odd: While Thousands Remained Pale And Flabby, it’s nice to know that the city of Dallas had its priorities in order when it opened up the low-cost Dealey Tanning Salon at the Dallas Fitness Center. 6501 Royal Ln., so that the less fortunate could at least be the tanned less fortunate.

Weird: In May. Delta announced that Atlantic Southeast Airlines, The Delta Connection serving Dallas, would inaugurate service between Dallas/Fort Worth and Tyler on July 1 with six daily flights. Six daily flights to Tyler?



NAME FOR A LAWYERBest: Johnny Getum- specializing in personal injuries, worker’s compensation, wills and probates, and guardianship.

Best in the current economy: Charles Greef-banking attorney at Jenkens & Gilchrist.



NEW IDENTITY

Worst: The Grand Kempinski Hotel. Why The Grand Kempinski? We liked it when it was called the Registry, but now when you ask somebody to meet you there, it sounds like you are taking them to a circus or to meet a Russian monk. The hotel was renamed in June for a luxury hotel chain in Germany whose founder was Polish.

Safest: Village on the Parkway, formerly Sakowitz Village. Never name a shopping center for the anchor tenant: anchors have been known to sink the whole ship.



NEW PROFESSION FOR A REAL ESTATE TYPE

Best: Landman T. Kirk May opened the Chaise Lounge and made a killing off other brokers crying in their beer.

Worst: Syndicator Dale Sterritt started a new business to make a killing off of dirty dialers and other sad souls by selling 976 numbers.



MARKETING EFFORTWorst: In a flier for the Chaparral restaurant, 4820 Greenville Ave., words were misspelled- like “APPATIZERS” and “MOZZERELLA.” We can forgive those mistakes. But at the top was the name of the restaurant. You’d think they could at least spell that right. Wrong. “CHAPPRRAL.”

SPORTS



DUH, WHO SEZ THEY IS DUMB JOCKS? Bad: After SMU received the “death penalty” for NCAA violations, hordes of coaches descended on the campus to pluck new talent. Said one flattered footballer: “I feel like a pretty woman, you know. They’re all courtin” me.”

Worse: Another analyzed the situation thusly: “It was like a dead animal on the side of the road, and all the vultures fly in’ round.”

Worst: Another scholar-athlete said that a college in Tulsa was interested in him. “That’s in Oklahoma, isn’t it?” he asked.



GUTSy JOCK STORY

Best: Jose Guzman of theRangers pitched no-hit ball forseven innings, despite an illnessthat had him throwing upbetween innings.

Also good; Jeff Zimmerman of the Cowboys tips the scales at a whopping 316 pounds.



SPORTS EXIT

Best: Any exit that gets you out of Arlington Stadium within an hour after a crowded game or a giveaway night.

Worst; Dick Motta’s sloppy, gum-chewing goodbye. After seven years, he owed Dallas more-if not an explanation, at least a dignified farewell.



VESTED INTEREST

Best: The bulletproof vest Torn Landry wore during the Rams game last season, though it didn’t match his hat. Seems a kook had phoned in a threat against Landry’s life.

Worst: During the Decker’s Sports Celebrity Carnival at Reunion Arena, where more than $100,000 was raised for the Special Olympics of Texas, the city of Dallas charged $3 for parking. Nice to see we’re all on the same team.



EXAMPLE OF TEAM SOLIDARITY

Best: Dallas Sidekicks.

Worst: You fill in the blanks:C_W S



PROOF THAT FOOTBALL BUILDS CHARACTER

Best: Fort Worth’s Dunbar High basketball program was under investigation for violating offseason practice rules. Oddly, it was the Dunbar athletic coordinator and football coach who decided to blow the whistle.

Worst: Dan Long, superintendentof the Carrollton-FarmersBranch schools, decided not torenew the contract of the headfootball coach. He receiveddeath threats and harassingphone calls, and two of his dogswere poisoned.



THROW

Best: In the !986 NBA All-Star Game, the Mavs’ Rolando Blackman tied the game with two free throws.

Worst: Any fluttering, long-shot interception tossed by Danny White.



BEST NEW PLATERS

Male: Carbon Cowboys quarterback Kevin Sweeney.

Female: Kristen Snell. the Piano middle schooler who forced the Piano Board of Trustees to allow her to play on her school’s football team.



EXAMPLE OF MEDIA OVERKILL

Worst: Channel 8’s Gerry Oher was disgusted after the Cowboys’ opening-game loss to St. Louis. “Quarterback Danny White was sacked five times,” Oher said. “Unfortunately, he lived to tell about it.” Gerry, it is just a game.



GENERAL MANAGER

Best: The Rangers’ Tom Grieve: young, bright, and patient.

Worst: The Cowboys’ Tex Schramm: old. arrogant, and may have broken his team’s morale along with its union.



SPORTS BY THE NUMBERSGood: Donald Bliss of Oak Cliff shot two holes-in-one in a single round of golf at Brook Hollow. Odds against: 10 million to one.

Good grief: As of January 1, seventy-one-year-old J.J. Johnston Jr. has played golf on 1,339 consecutive days.

Bad: Less than 1,000 spectators showed up during the six days of the USGA Mid-Amateur Championship at Brook Hollow Golf Club. Sometimes the officials outnumbered the gallery.

Worse: On August 30, Rangers catcher Geno Petralli was charged with six passed balls, tying a record set in 1902.

Horrible: The Mavs had just one three-game losing streak last season-their incredible, gutless performance against an inferior Seattle team in the first round of the NBA playoffs.



CIVIC THANK YOU

Good: Dallas Sidekicks Day, organized by KISS-FM after the soccer stars beat Tacoma for the championship.

Also good: The party thrown by fans of the beloved Carbon Cowboys replacement team at The Grand Kempinski Hotel.

THE NAME OF THE GAME

Best: Toby Harrah, who retired last year from the Rangers, held two distinctions: he was the last of the original Rangers who came with the franchise from Washington, and his last name is a palindrome-a word that reads the same way from either side.

Worst: Doak Walker, recalling his glory days at SMU: “When I won the Heisman Trophy, I couldn’t even spell it. You know, I still can’t spell it.”



ETHNIC SLUR

Best: After Houston Rockets player Jim Petersen got into a fight with the Mavericks” Roy Tarpley, Houston coach Bill Fitch said: “Petersen really went after Tarpley. That Swede sure got his Irish up.”

Worst: Oak Cliff native Dennis Rodman of the Detroit Pistons said that Boston Celtics star Larry Bird was just an overrated white guy. If Bird were black, said Rodman, he would be another average player.



BALLPARK NACHOS

Best: Arlington Stadium, when you buy them.

Worst: Arlington Stadium, by the time you get them back to your seat. Gooey, tepid orange gel, anyone?



THE SUM OF THE PARTS… Best ears: The North Texas Blind Bowlers Association practices every Saturday at the Bronco Bowl. They listen for the number of pins felling to “see” how well they’re doing.

Best knuckles: As usual, ageless Charlie Hough of the Rangers was one of the few bright stars in a gloomy picture. Hough finished with a record of 18-13 and an ERA of 3.79-not bad for | a pitcher on a last-place team. Hang in there. Charlie.

Worst nose: Texas Ranger pitcher Steve Howe, recalling one of his cocaine binges, said that in his wilder days he could “snort a watermelon through a garden hose.”

Worst butter fingers: Center fielder Oddibe McDowell was shelved for two weeks after cutting his finger with a butter knife. That’s about all the Rangers could cut in “87; they opened with an eleven-game losing streak and finished last.

Worst larynx: Mickey Dolenz of The Monkees sang the worst rendition of the national anthem in the history of the world on July 16, 1987, at Arlington Stadium. Dolenz. who should stick with “I’m a Believer,” sang a cappella, and at least six times he forgot not only the words but the tune.

On August 10. the Herald ran an Associated Press photo of Rocky Lockridge, left, who beat Barry Michael for the International Boxing Association super-featherweight title, Michael started the evening as a robust thirty-two-year-old, but according to this photo, must have aged visibly during the bout, By the ninth round, Michael was sixty-seven years old.

MUNICIPAL GOLF COURSE

Best: Chase Oaks, Piano. A real hidden pleasure. The Blackjack Course is one of the most challenging (in fact, downright maddening) courses in the area, and the uphill, par five 16th hole is murder. It’s worth the drive from Dallas to get these private course amenities at public course prices.

Worst: Sunset Golf Center near Cockrell Hill. This nine-hole course has two main characteristics-mud and weeds. Let the gumbo mud dry on your shoes and you’ll need a jackhammer to get it off. And when you’re pondering that chip shot, the roaring cars from nearby Yello Belly Drag Strip sort of pull at your attention.



COWBOY HALL OF SHAME

Arc we fickle, or what? Maybe. But we look at it this way. guys: first you win, then we respect you. Roger’s been gone a long time, and even a Super Bowl win couldn’t wipe away some of these recent memories.

●After the 1986 season, their worst in twenty years, the Cowboys raised their ticket prices from S19 to $24.84 a pop. The invisible hand of the marketplace has one finger out for Cowboys fans.

● After the new line coach. JimErkenbech, spent a dayreviewing films of the ’86season, he said this of hislinemen; “These are the guyswho were chosen last when youchose up in fifth-period P.E

● Kicker Rafael Septien pledguilty to charges of indecencywith a minor.

● Tony Dorsett took hisconvictions to the picket linelong enough to brand RandyWhite “Captain Scab.” Then,when it seemed he might losesome serious money for hisprinciples. Dorsett cameslinking back to practice. Butthe whining didn’t stop: he thenasked Landry not to play him inthe replacement games so thatany yards gained against”inferior” players wouldn’t”taint” his rushing record. Gee,Tony, everything else is tainted.

● After crossing the picket line,Danny White played less than five minutes against the Philadelphia Eagles. “Easiest $45,000 I ever made,” he said.

●Jeff Rohrer, out to strike terror into the hearts of all Dallasites, warned that several of his teammates might refuse to live here during she off-season(.’H) if fans weren’t nicer to them.

●Lineman Phil Pozderac, whodouble-handedly cost theCowboys a couple of gameswith flagrant holding penalties.retired abruptly after the strike.Word had it he was joining aholding company.

●In November, the Cowboyshumiliated themselves by losingto the pathetic Detroit Lions,whose 1-6 record included justone victory-by theirreplacement team. Then camethe Toilet Bowl-Atlanta. TheCowboys, who had never lost apost-Thanksgiving game, lost21-10 at home, blacked out onTV, to the anemic, 3-9 Falcons.

●And let’s not forget theghosts of Cowboys past:

Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson returned with a nauseating snort-and-tell book about his wasted years. Henderson hopes to tap a large and gullible audience-like the people who believed in him when he played here.

● Ex-Cowboy Harvey Martinweighed in with his ownmemoirs, which just might have been touched up here and thereby a ghostwriter. Examples ofthe Martin literary style:

. . .management’s negative reaction registered as nothing compared to Clint Longley’s.

. .. I figured it best to confront the situation right then.

.. .No one’s value to the team was sufficient to risk injury to Roger.

● Martin also forgot to show up ;in court tor his misdemeanordrunken driving trial. Later, hewas arrested and jailed forwriting hot checks. “The beauty ;of the deal in the jail was thatI’m still Harvey,” he said. Nodoubt about that.

SHOPPING & SERVIC



$1 SHOE SHINE

Best: The shoeshine shop at the Plaza Barber Shop in Snider Plaza. Four quarters, any pair.



LUNCHTIME DELIVERY

Best: Turtle Creek Deli in the President’s Health Club, 3232 McKinney Ave. We’ve tried just about every item on the menu (they serve soups, salads, wonderful sandwiches, even fresh fruit) and haven’t hit on a bad one yet. Top it off with one of their protein drinks like the Gold Medalist, a thick concoction of orange and pineapple juice, fresh banana, honey, protein mix, and a dab of Pina Colada, and you’ve got a meal within minutes. The deli delivers within a two-mile radius with a minimum order of only three bucks.



ANSWER TO YOUR ELECTRONIC WOES

Best: Eric Grundelman and Bill Skaer, 288-8978. These electronic wizards re-wire homes (one of their first jobs was radio czar Gordon McLendon’s home) so well that your VCR can be hooked up to your stereo, which can be hooked up to your clock radio, which, if you so please, can be plugged into your blender, all without one wire showing.

Worst: K-0 Electronics at 5808 LBJ Freeway. Don’t get us wrong. Yes, they will fix your electronic widget (they are the authorized service center for just about every foreign-made gadget), but why put yourself through the rude treatment you’ll get along the way? Their slogan is “Ask a friend about our service.” Don’t bother.



LAUNDROMAT

Best: Highland Park Laundromat at 4624 Cole. Between the hours of7a.m. to 10 a.m., seven days a week, they offer valet bundle service-drive up to the front door and they’ll come running out to take the dirty clothes off your hands. Plus, they have all new self-service equipment, including computerized dryers that tell do-it-themselfers how hot the dryers are heating their clothes. As a finishing touch, they’ll hand-iron anything you bring them.

Worst: Kwik Wash, 4424 Lemmon Ave. Dirty, sleazy dive. Your things could leave dirtier than they came.



FIVEAND DIMESTORE

Best: M.E. Moses in Snider Plaza. Just like a five-and-dime should be. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. And this quaint little shop has everything you’d ever need-from red rubber balls and plastic army men to nail polish remover and shaving cream.

Worst: H.L. Green at 1623 Main. Sure, this Dallas institution has done business in the same spot for over thirty years, but the merchandise looks like it’s the same stuff they opened up with.



BICYCLE SHOP

Best: Wheels in Motion, 2550 Promenade Center, is phenomenal. We’ve never seen this many gorgeous bikes in one place, except for the Tour de France.



CUT FRESH FLOWERS

Best: Current Flowers in the Quadrangle, 2800 Routh. Exotic rare stems at reasonable prices.

Worst: Liland’s of Dallas Florist at 2101 Abrams. Geriatric help and lousy selection. And don’t be misled by the sign out front advertising gladiolas for $9 a bunch-the three times we’ve been in there, they’ve always been out of glads.



BOOKSTORE

Best: BookStop at 5400 E. Mockingbird. They have 35,000 titles in their inventory, well-organized aisles, and the friendliest sales clerks.

Best for braining: Rizzoli International in NorthPark Center. A store full of beautiful books, knowledgeable, unobtrusive clerks, and classical music to inspire you while you shop.



CAR WASH

Best: White Rock Car Bath, 10229 Garland Rd. You’ll get a spotless car for just $4.99, and the employees are the greatest.

Worst: Steve’s Detailing at 4329 Lemmon Ave. When we sent our auto to this exclusive salon of the stars, we were shocked. We were able to write our names no less than four times in the dirt that was left behind and the staff quadrupled a bad experience-rude, rude, rude, rude. For a $15 car wash, we expected them to use a toothbrush on our chrome and maybe, smile?



MASSAGE

Best: Linda Gibbs, Massage Therapist, at 4216 Herschel.First, you get to choose between ! tapes of a thunderstorm or crashing waves. Then you get to zone out while Linda’s fingers ’ do the walking. Best of all, unlike some chatty masseuses who ruin the effect with small talk, you can luxuriate in sweet, blissful peace.



DOG GROOMING

Best; The name is silly, but the groomers here are firsl-rate. At Perky Poodle at 119 Turtle Creek Village, your dog will be pampered like one of Zsa Zsa’s and he won’t have any nicks when he comes home. Best of all, they recognize that their customers are busy-Perky Poodle’s grooming schedule is set for your convenience, not theirs. If you bring your dog in by I p.m., he’ll be ready by 5. They’]] even set up standing appointments and call you when it’s time for a trim.



BRIDAL STORE CONSULTANT

Best: Hands down, it’s Helga Harris at Bridal Circle, 3302 N. Buckner Blvd. Helga is any bride-to-be’s best friend. She is helpful, honest (if you look like a linebacker in the gown you just put on, she’ll tell you), and. after dressing Dallas brides for nearly eight years, she knows her business inside and out.



FACIAL

Best: The Spa at The Crescent. You. too. can face the world the way Linda Gray, Kathleen Sullivan, and Lisa Marie Presley do. The Spa at the Crescent offers a $55 Yon Ka facial-an all-natural French formula offered at only one other spa in the U.S.



MOVIE THEATER

Best; UA Cine, 5540 Yale. Big, cushy seats that rock, and the place is always spotless.

Worst: Big Town Center. 1400 Big Town. Nine tiny, dirty rooms, but what can you expect for a buck?



CAR REPAIR

Best, any make: Wake man Automotive at 800 S. Ervay has a knowledgeable crew and reasonable prices. This is the place to go when you think you’re getting the runaround elsewhere. Dick Wakeman is an old-fashioned, honest businessman. And Wakeman’s participates in the Better Business Bureau’s Customer Care program, in which the business agrees to abide by an outside mediator’s ruling if there’s a customer complaint thai can’t be settled.

Best specialty repairs: Louden Motorcar Services at 11454 Reeder Rd. We told you about Sieve Louden and his able crew in 1983 and they’re still the best if you’re lucky enough to drive a BMW. Porsche, or Mercedes. Louden once analyzed a problem with a Porsche over the phone-not from the owner’s description of the problem, but from listening to the actual car over the phone.

Best body work, any make: Don Snell Buick at 11400 N. Central Expwy. They’re reliable and they know their business-even if you bring them an old, dented Volkswagen. And they’re in the Customer Care program.

Best specialty body work: Zeman’s at 11457 Reeder Rd. They specialize in repairing BMWs, Porsches, and Mercedes, they do quality work, and they get it right the first time. Also a Customer Care participant.



SERVICE AT A SERVICE STATION

Best: Jack Nalley Texaco service station. 4500 Bryan St. Four mechanics on duty, no baloney, , very, very reasonable prices, fast service.



CAR HORROR STORY

Bad: At Glass Cars at 2621 Oak Lawn, a woman became irritated when her repairs took longer than promised. She wanted a loan car. No problem; the manager offered to let her borrow the car of another customer who was out of town.

Worst: Imagine if they loaned her your car.



ALLERGY RELIEF

Best: By dialing A-L-L-E-R-G-Y, you can find out the day’s pollen count, thanks to Dr. .Jeffery Adelglass. Because of budget cuts, the city of Dallas was forced to discontinue the daily pollen count it had been offering to allergy-suffering citizens.



FRESH FISH STORE

Best: Simon David, 7117 Inwood Rd. The seafood counter is stocked with a wide selection of really fresh fish (see the incredible salmon picks), and the staff couldn’t be more helpful.



PHOTO DEVELOPING

Best: Eastman Kodak Processing Lab at 3131 Manor Way. The had news is you have to buy a mailer (at any camera store and at area 7-Elevens) or drive to Kodak to drop it in the box out front. The good news is that Kodak’s developing is tops: long a hush-hush item among the pros.



CONVENIENCE STORE

Best: Stop N Go, 8380 Meadow Rd. It’s a diner deli with indoor seating. It’s a gas station. It’s a grocery store. They even stock Dom Perignon. It”s incredible.



TIE CLEANERS

To locate the best tie cleaners in town, we set the stakes high and made the contest as even as humanly possible. First, we bought five identical ties (all a polyester blend, all at the same price) and stained all five ties at the same time in the same kitchen with the same three deadly concoctions-spaghetti sauce, red wine, and fuchsia lipstick. The ties were left to marinate for twenty-four hours, then were dropped off at five highly acclaimed cleaners in town. Herewith, the results: it’s a “tie” for Best: On a reader’s tip, we checked out Uptown Cleaners, 5815 Live Oak. First, the service was efficient and friendly. (They acted like we were regulars even though we had to get out our Mapsco to find the place.) Two days later and for a $3 charge, the tie was ready to hit the town again- stains completely removed, flawlessly pressed. If you live north of LBJ, try Craftsman Cleaners at 303 Spring Creek Village, who gave us the other spotless performance. Worst: Last year, we bestowed on DD French Dry Cleaners, 4113 Lomo Alto, a “Best” in dry cleaning. Maybe they’re still great on other articles of clothing, but don’t trust your tie to these people. The infamous lipstick stain was merely lightened a bit (they fared better with the spaghetti and wine) and the job took $4, a dollar more than the going rate. Most expensive: Dee & Hattie Specialty Cleaners, 804 S. Beacon. We could have bought a six-pack or taken ourselves to the movies for the $7.51 they charged us. And the job took a week and a half.



SHOE REPAIR

Best: Two shoe shops rated tops:Cobblestone Shoe Repair atMockingbird and Centralfollows the new school of shoerepairology: preventive shoecare is their business. We tookan expensive pair of leatherpumps in for heel work andwere warned that if we opted forjust those little heel taps, ourworn spikes would reappear inno time. We were furtheradvised to go with the completeoperation-heel guards and soleprotectors, we were told, wouldkeep us going for another 50,000 miles. And from the oldschool comes Walter’s ShoeRepair at 10345 Ferguson Rd.,our pick from last year. He’sstill doing what he’s done forover thirty-five years, nothingfancy, nothing changed. He sellsyou what you ask for, advisesyou when you don’t know whatyou want, and reminds you withhis big, toothy grin to comeback and see him again.

Worst: Highland Park Shoe andBoot Repair at 3107 Knox. Afavorite pair of beige loafers infor a shine and heel repair werereturned to us jet black. Whenwe asked what had happened,the owner replied. “I made agoofy.” On the second try, theshoes came back chocolatebrown. This time he told us thatwe “shouldn’t worry. It isn’t theend of the world.” On our thirdtrip, the shoes were still notready and when we mentionedthat we weren’t going to pay forthe beige-turned-black-turned-chocolate shoes, the owner saidhe’d talk terms when the shoeswere complete. He alsoreminded us that “the shoeswere pretty messed up” whenthey were brought to him in thefirst place. On the fourth trip,the shoes were ready all right,but they looked spray paintedwith beige paint. And he askedus to pay for them! Seemswe were the ones who madethe goofy.



PUBLIC RESTROOM

Best: Believe it or not, it’s at Love Field. They’re always spotless, fully supplied, and there are lots of them.

Just as good: The ones at the Dallas Zoo. They do have signs pointing you to the restrooms, but asking a zookeeper can be a lot more fun. Directions usually go something like this: “Go right past the tigers, take a left at the snakes, and follow the curve along the flamingos, and you’re there.” But if nature is calling you, what better route to take?



BARBER

Best: A great barber’s reputation seems to have less to do with how well one cuts hair than with how long one has been cutting hair. As far as longevity goes, Red, at Lovers Lane Barber Shop, 4331 Lovers Ln., has been cutting hair forever, and if he was good enough for our great-great-great-great grandfathers, he’s good enough for us.

Worst: The barber responsible for former mayoral candidate Jim Buerger’s cut, which seems to scream of a hairstyle more suitable to high school, 1959. Buerger’s locks are coiffured by a barber who runs his shop in the basement of Baylor Hospital.



TAILOR

Best: Arnold Garcia at 4524 McKinney, Suite 103. He can raise your hems, let out your seams, unsnarl a zipper that’s gone berserk, or simply sew on a button, in no time and at moderate prices.

Best custom tailor: Chris Despos at 9707 N. Central Expwy. Despos does beautiful work at reasonable rates, generally within a week.



MOVERS

Best: Super Movers at 3125 Forest Ln. in Garland. These guys are friendly, fast, efficient, and they’ve got a great attitude. They really like moving people.

Worst: Ace Day and Night at 5135 Lawnview. Beware, oh mobile ones. These people have been known to break items, patch them up with scotch tape in the secrecy of their moving vans, then try to slip them into your new abode and hope you won’t notice that grandma’s crystal is broken.

Just as bad: Tex-Sun Movers at 10537 Miller Rd. We’ve heard a litany of horror stories about these folks. They break items (one reader told us that they dropped her washing machine off the moving dolly twice and broke the leg off her bed, among other things), don’t show up on the scheduled moving date-it took them almost a month to complete one reader’s job-and require movees to pay their bill in full!, in cash, before the job is completed.



ADULT CLASS

Worst: Shirley MacLaine spent years becoming this dopey, but you can receive “vital creative information directly from the Cosmic Unconscious” for just $22! Yes, The Learning Annex at 3609 Greenville Ave. now offers a course in channeling; students in “altered states” will be introduced to a personal channeling guide who will inhabit their bodies and speak through them. Maybe you’ll be visited by an Aztec warrior or Houdini. No refunds if you’re stuck with Mister Ed.



BELIEVE IT OR NOT



BELIEVE IT OR NOT



DISPLAY OF AFFECTION FOR MUSICIANS

Bad: A thirty-year-old University Park woman accused rock star David Bowie of assaulting her in his Dallas hotel room when he was in town for a concert. The woman said Bowie attacked her after she spent most of the early morning hours with him at a party at The Mansion on Turtle Creek. He bit her on the back and claimed to have given her AIDS, the woman said. This terrible experience, however, did not prevent her from returning that night to Reunion Arena to watch Bowie perform.

Worst: Members of the local heavy metal band Rigor Mortis say their music does not lead to violence, despite their death-oriented lyrics and song titles like “Die in Pain.” But before a performance at a Fort Worth club in October, a club patron went backstage and stabbed the group’s lead singer and drummer.



POWER PLAY

Bad: On the first day of the “Shirley MacLaine: Connecting with the Higher Self” seminar at the Fairmont Hotel, the power-the electrical power, that is-failed. No problem. The movie star guru. her eyes glistening with hope, instructed her 1,000 disciples to assumethe lotus position, call upon the “collective conscious” of the group, and spiritually repair the problem, which was caused by a burst water main. Sadly, even three rounds of “om” failed to patch the pipes.

Worst: Dallas police officer Michael Hackbarth, who wanted to see the Lakers play , the Mavericks one evening, was suspended without pay for allegedly using his influence as an officer to pressure a ticket scalper into selling him Mavericks tickets at face value. When the scalper refused, Hackbarth proceeded to arrest the villain.



USE OF GOD IN SPORTS Best: Cathi Stout of Piano created “Believercise.” an aerobics program in which all dancing is done to Christian music. Stout says Christians need an aerobics class that doesn’t rely on music with sexually stirring lyrics. She yells at her students, “Do it like the Lord commands you and the Lord says be strong.”

Worst: Dallas sports agent Joe Courrege, who won the trust of several Cowboys players with his devout Christianity, played religious tapes in his car while driving players around and arranged to have safety Bill Bates appear as a guest on Pat Robertsons “700 Club.” The Christian love didn’t last long, Bates and three other players filed suit against Courrege for allegedly defrauding them of $200,000.



REWARD FOR FEMININE BEAUTY

Best: Highland Park High School sophomore Angie Harmon was selected from more than 63,000 entrants as the winner in the 1987 Seventeen magazine Cover Model Contest.

Worst: Two men dressed as women complained to police that they were beaten up by two women in the Sadies’ restroom at the Cactus Lounge on Maple. The real women attacked the fake women following an argument, Police filed charges against the men for violating a city ordinance prohibiting persons of one sex from using restrooms marked for use by members of the opposite sex.



LIQUID SURPRISE

Best: The fountains at Allied Bank Tower. The flowing streams make this the best outdoor spot downtown-utterly soothing,

Worst: Two Dallas men were charged with misdemeanor assault after they urinated on fairgoers from atop the Texas Star Ferris wheel during last years State Fair.



HOT APARTMENT COMPLEX

Best; The Seasons Apartments continues to draw thousands each summer for its Splash Day. an afternoon of ribald merrymaking involving best suntan. wet T-shirt, bodv, athletic, and drinking contests.

Worst: The Willow Creek Apartments had another major fire, its sixth since 1980.



LIFE IMITATES ART AND VICE VERSA

Bad: The Dallas Museum of Art was shocked to learn that its three prized pre-Columbian sculptures, thought to be 1,000 years old, were actually cheap copies made by a Mexican artist in the Fifties.

Worst: About 1.400 patrons had to flee a sold-out. theater at NorthPark when an unidentified woman began spraying Mace and screaming during one of the more violent scenes in Platoon.



SIGN THAT CRIME PATS

Best; A young man ran into a Slop N Go, snatched a jar of money from the counter, and took off on foot. The thief, described by the store clerk as squinty-eyed and left-handed, stole a jar of money clearly labeled. “Drop a dime. Stop a crime.”

Worst: Cullen Davis got off scot-free after a third trial.



EXCUSE

Bad: A post card mailed from Galveston to Azle in July 1938 finally reached its recipient in March 1987. The post office said the card had been misrouted.

Worst: John Allen Curtis, a fifty-one -year-old Dallas lawyer, was found guilty of murdering a fellow attorney at his office after a long argument. Testifying on Curtis’s behalf, an arms expert from New Hampshire told the jury that Curtis continued to fire all nine shots at the other man because the backfiring from the gun made him think his victim was firing at him, even though the victim’s gun was never drawn- Go ahead, make my day.



THE YEAR OF THE MALE BIMB0

Nationwide it was the year of the female bimbo. “I am not a bimbo.” proclaimed Jessica Hahn, but she and Donna Rice and Vanna White and Fawn Hall all set the standard in 1987 for the new breed of party girl who emerged to wreak havoc on the American landscape, So you’d figure the same phenomenon took place in Dallas, right? Wrong. 1987 in Dallas was the year of the Male Bimbo. Dallas men simply went nuts, stumbling into one sex scandal after another, getting caught with their pants down, generally making asses of themselves wherever they went. As a tribute to our Male Bimbos of ’87, we decided to review some of the lowlights.



Walker Railey-The news about his wife was bad enough, but people were further shocked by the revelation that Railey had been secretly wooing a blonde psychologist named Lucy Papillon, shacking up with her at out-of-town church conferences, and even dropping by for a quick visit the night his wife was attacked.



John Tower-The poor guy. He leaves the Senate, prepares to take his place as the wise old dignitary, and what happens? His wife hits him with a divorce suit, accusing him of hanky-panky with at least three women, including: Dailasite Dottie Heiser; a woman who worked on the Towers’ household staff in Geneva; and Channel 4 anchorwoman Barbara White, who, according to the Boston Globe, was seen kissing, sharing cigarettes, and flirting with Tower at a Washington hotel bar.



Tom Cave-The sex-crazed judge coerced sexual favors from women who were brought before him in return for lighter sentences. His trial turned out to be one of the great sleaze-ball episodes in local history.



Sid Bass-The Fort Worth billionaire set a new standard for society scandals, leaving his thin little princess Anne for Mercedes Kellogg, wife of some ambassador, a great party woman with legs as long as giraffe necks. Gee, we thought little Sid never thought about stuff like this.



Jack Robinson-Did the city parks director know how to use city parks, or what? Poor Jack, happily married, was caught in a restroom of a city park one Sunday with another man. Absolutely gross! Jack got convicted. No more Sundays in the park for him!



Rafael Septien-The local hero, the Cowboys kicker, got kicked off the team after he pled guilty to indecency with a ten-year-old girl. Shades of Lance Rentzel!



CAR STORY

Best: For the last three years, Roy Haning, a born-again Christian, has rebuilt engines, transmissions, starters, and radiators for the needy. His business is called “Cars for Christ”

Worst: In late June. University Park residents were baffled by a siring of Cadillac burnings. Three of the expensive cars were torched within an hour and a half. UP police chief Robert Dixon said the arsonists could be anyone from “juveniles to someone with a vengeance against Cadillacs.” We’re hoping it doesn’t spread to Escorts,



GREAT MOMENTS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT

Bad: Dwayne Leroy Jewell, fifty-three, turned himself in to Fort Worth police for robbing a savings and loan. “He told police he was upset it was taking us so long to catch him.” said Sergeant Mike Murphy. Jewell, apparently trying to get arrested, left a trail for officers to follow after he took S2.600 in cash from the Charter Savings & Loan, where he had often cashed checks and where tellers recognized him. When police still remained baffled, Jewell showed up at the police station and asked to be handcuffed for the crime.

Worst: Before her daughter was fatally shot by an ex-boyfriend, a woman called police to warn them that the ex had recently purchased a gun. The Lancaster police officer responding to the call went to the mother’s house and responded to her concerns by saying, “you know there are a lot of women who just like to be slapped around.”



PERSONALITY

Most: Dallasite Truddi Chase, who claims to be inhabited by a “troop” of ninety-two personalities, wrote a book called When Rabbit Howls (Rabbit being one of her many selves). She said she was touched by the response to her book, “In fact, a couple of times on the book tour, a number of us have cried,” they said.

Worst: Eddie Chiles, chairman of the Western Company, came through again when he said that workers who talked to the press about problems in the company were “rats” and “traitors.”



BURGER STORY

Best: A brown and white cab dropped off a man who robbed a McDonald’s. The cab even waited while the man held up the fast food franchise. Then the two sped away, presumably with the meter running.

Worst: David Luxton, twenty-nine, was arrested after he crashed his car into a railing at the McDonald’s on Northwest Highway because he was upset that his food wasn’t delivered as quickly as he wanted.



R0LLING BLUNDER

Bad: Bill Ray Hill managed to steal two automobiles in June but was caught when police officers discovered Hill and a friend trying to push the stolen vehicles out of the mud where they were stuck.

Worst: Despite nearly five years of planning and research, DART has yet to figure out where to lay down its first rail line for mass transit. Perhaps Hill has some ideas.



ALTERATION OF PET

Best: II your feline’s been taking on lard, The Plump Pets Workshop, a clinic that meets weekly at a Fort Worth veterinary hospital, offers a basic fat cat exam and counseling session for $10. Optional lab work to pinpoint the exact cause of obesity runs from $20 to $36.

Worst: For $25, the Neutercorp Veterinary Hospital in Dallas offers the ventriculocordectomy, an operation in which a dog’s vocal cords are altered to prevent offensive barking. Veterinarian Donald Ross explained that the result is “like watching a lip-syncing contest with the volume turned down.”



SILLY ATTEMPT TO BEAT BACK THE DEVIL

Best: Pat Kirkwood of Granbury received up to 3,000 phone calls from people calling him satanic because the last three digits of his phone number are 666, a biblical symbol of the Antichrist. Kirkwood filed a $2 million suit against seven Granbury residents who had been making most of the calls. “Hey, I’m an instrument-rated pilot and deep-sea fisherman.” said Kirkwood. “I haven’t got time for satanic worship.”

Worst: Members of the Lochwood Baptist Church destroyed rock ’n’ roll albums that condoned drinking, sex, drug abuse, violence, and devil worship. Said thirteen-year-old Tammy Alford. who threw her Prince tapes into the pile marked for destruction: “I know this girl who has had sex with just about every boy in the school and she listens to Prince all the time.”



SPEAKING ABILITY

Best: Tom Bodett of the Motel 6 commercials. Produced by Dallas’s Richards Group, the radio spots featuring the plain-talking Bodett have sent business in the no-frills motel chain soaring.

Worst: A Dallas man was arresled by police for making sixteen false-alarm fire calls summoning firefighters to a North Oak Cliff neighborhood. Investigators were able to pinpoint that the calls were coming from this one man because each time he telephoned he spoke with a distinct stutter



WAY TO TEACH THE US. CONSTITUTION

Best:Judge Barefoot Sanders came up with an unusual sentence for an NTSU student who went fishing instead of showing up for jury duty in Dallas. He had to write the U.S. Constitution-in longhand-or be jailed.

Worst: A woman in Arlington filed suit against Arlington school superintendent Don Wright for a mere $1 trillion, claiming that the school district teaches inaccurate history because a man named John Lilburne is not given credit as an influence on the framers of the U.S. Constitution. We’ll be offended too, just as soon as we learn who John Lilburne is.



BIRD BRAIN IDEA OF ’87

Best: When Dallas County Judge Lee Jackson decided to engage in some public relations to counter his reputation as drab an humorless, he told The Dallas Morning News about his fondness for birdcalls. “He has a beautiful trill,” his secretary told the newspaper.

Worst: Dalphne Murphy, a student at a beauty college, won the hairstyle contest hosted by Joske’s. Murphy’s hair design came complete with a live parakeet and a cage sitting in her nest of hair. For her prize, Murphy won a day of beauty and personal care. Were they trying to tell her something?



FIASCO ON WHEELS

Worst: In the middle of the Tour Dallas bicycle rally, more than 2,500 cyclists were stranded when the Dallas Police abruptly halted the event. Corporal Dan Johnson shut down the race after about 200 of the faster cyclists passed the lead police vehicle. He called it “as close a thing to a riot on bicycles as you’ll ever see” Some bicyclists, not realizing the race was over, ran into the backs of other bicyclists, causing a massive pile-up.



CELEBRITY APPEARANCE

Best: Spuds Mackenzie, the Bud Light party animal, was given a rawhide Bone to the City by Mayor Starke Taylor on St. Patrick’s Day. For a mere $2, you could get your picture taken with Spuds in front of City Hall.

Worst: Vanna White appeared at a Kroger’s in Richardson to sign copies of her new book.



UNUSUAL MASSAGE

Best: Sarah Hummingbird, an infant massage instructor in Dallas, offers a course to parents of infants two weeks old to crawling age in the art of baby rubbing. For $50, parents will get a textbook, a bottle of oil, and a “welcome to return to a subsequent class should they forget something.” Hummingbird stresses baby massage as the best way for babies to get all the touching they need.

Worst: Mo Ackley at the newly opened Argyle Spa near Denton gives facials, manicures, and massages to any pet you own. Well, let’s see, we own this lovely pit bull…



FAMILY TRADITION

Bad: A Fort Worth man filed suit against Lady Bird Johnson for $10.5 million, claiming he is the long-lost son of Lyndon Johnson. Though he looks a little like Richard Nixon, Steven Mark Brown claims his mother, Madeline Brown, met LBJ at a social function at the Adolphus in 1948 and began a twenty-one-year affair with the politician.

Worst: Willie Wood of Dallas was released from prison before officials discovered that papers authorizing his release were forged. Two months later, Wood’s son Ricky was also released from prison, also via forged documents.



CRIME STORY

Best: Two groups of robbers opened fire on one another early one morning, apparently after selecting the same Fort Worth apartment to hold up. Three of the four suspects were wounded in the exchange of gunfire. This is a competitive society.

Bad: Margaret Dickson was on her way out of a Dallas restaurant parking lot when she discovered that thieves had broken in and taken her black satchel she had left in the car. The culprits left with copies of her 1987 federal tax returns and a $3 bottle of aspirin.

Worst: Reported in Park Cities People: “A woman in the 3100 block of Southwestern received a phone call at 12:30 a.m. When she answered, the caller began to breathe heavy and whisper for five and a half hours. The same caller dialed her number again at 6:08 p.m. This time she hung up and called police much sooner.”



TIMING-THREE, FOUR…

Best: SMU professor Ravi Batra’s book. The Great Depression of 1990, was a surprise smash this past fall. After Black Monday’s stock market crash in October, the book zoomed to the top of The New York Times nonfiction best-seller list.

Worst: Russian dancer Andrei Ustinov defected while the Moscow Ballet was performing in Dallas. He decided to join the Dallas Ballet-just in time to learn the ballet was going broke and probably would not be able to finish the rest of its season.



DEDICATION TO THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE

Best: A robber was holding up a Dallas service station when a twenty-year-old Mesquite woman unexpectedly walked in. He demanded that she hand over all her valuables. When she started crying, he asked her what was the matter. She said she wanted her wedding ring back. The sentimental softie gave her the ring before fleeing with an accomplice.

Worst: Sam Fortune, whose business card bills him as a “Love Counselor” (“I Love You. Call Day or Night.”), was arrested on assault charges at the Loews Anatole after a hotel employee entered his room to find him attempting to choke his wife to death.



RECOVERY

Best: A Parkland doctor suggested that James King, a heart patient and prisoner being held on drug charges, get some exercise. Allowed to walk the hallways, King escaped, still dragging a ten-pound chain.

Worst: Despite good predictions from nearly every local economic group and optimistic statements from our political leaders, the Dallas economy continued to get worse.



GOLDBUTT STORY

We don’t have one this year. butno Best & Worst would becomplete without Max.

●●● HALL OF FAME ●●●

★ The chocolate milkshakes at Highland Park Pharmacy, 3229Knox St.

★The ice cream at Steve’s, 6731 Snider Plaza.

★The croissants (and all the breads) at La Madeleine, 3073 Mockingbird, 3906 Lemmon.

★The mushroom soup at The Grape, 2808 Greenville Ave.

★The hardware selection at Elliott’s, 4901 Maple Ave.

★The cheese fries at Snuffer’s, 3526 Greenville Ave.

★The fried chicken at Henderson’s Chicken Shack, three locations.

★The cheap reads at HaJf-Price Books, six locations.

★The jogging path through the Turtle Creek Greenbelt.

★The healthy Food at Whole Foods Market (formerly Bluebonnet Grocery), 2218 Greenville Ave.

★The grilled cheese sandwich at Theo’s Diner, 111 S. Hall St