EDITOR’S PAGE

A teacher of mine once attempted to banish hyperbole from his students’ writing with this simple dictum: “Never use the word never, always avoid always, and strike the words everybody, nobody, and all from your vocabulary.”

I suspect that my former professor would have few kind words for our annual attempt to categorize the year past in terms of “bests” and “worsts.” Nevertheless, it’s our annual tradition. And everybody in Dallas loves it. It never fails. It’s always our best-selling issue of the year.

In the spirit, then, of selective exaggeration, we offer once again, the year in review, beginning on page 61. (And this year, Channel 8 will weigh in with the first televised version of D’s Best & Worst, to air December 30 at 9 p.m.) But first, a few of our own bests and worsts over the past year.

Our worst-selling cover: Kiss of the Spider Woman was the kiss of death as far as our newsstand sales go. Great numbers of you turned the other cheek to Sonia Braga, our March cover girl.

Our second-worst-selling cover: It hurts to admit this, but Jumpin’ Skip Bayless (September), the most popular inner-office pin-up of all time, fared only slightly better. Most misunderstood cover: The Material Girl-or her, um, facsimile-sold well and generated lively intellectual discourse last April. But a few of you must not be fans of Jonathan Swift. Our satire-a Hollywood/New York glitz queen transplanted to conservative, business-minded Dallas-didn’t amuse the group of readers who were let down hard by our April Fools’ joke. One thirteen-year-old who collects Madonna memorabilia and “worked an hour-and-a-half babysitting” to earn the money to buy the issue wrote in fury fora refund. It seems that she was the laughingstock of her school’s show-and-tell.

Our best-selling cover: Yep. January’s Best & Worst, which featured a Slug Sig-norino cartoon character pulling the plug on what is, once again, “the green building,” InterFirst Plaza.

Best predictions in print: Did we suggest-politely, of course-that Cowboys coach Tom Landry might have seen better days? Did we forecast that local Hispanics would shove the city council into rethinking its district boundaries to broaden minority representation? Did we warn you that Rupert Murdoch would have a negative impact on independent television station, Channel 33? Did we predict that Bill Clements would recapture the Governor’s Mansion? No, we didn’t touch that one. But we won’t say “I told you so” if you won’t.

Worst prediction in print: Here it is, verbatim, from a June business story on the proposed merger of Dr Pepper with the Coca-Cola Co., blocked by federal trade regulators in July. “According to executives at both Dr Pepper and Coca-Cola it’s a done deal: Dr Pepper, one of Dallas’s landmark business enterprises, will soon become part and parcel of the mammoth Atlanta-based soft drink firm.”

Second-worst prediction in print: In “Cowboys at a Crossroads” (August), contributing editor Mike Shropshire predicted that the Cowboys would rally behind a new “shooting star,” Daryl Clack. Clack is the guy who fumbled the opening kickoff of the Washington Redskins game.

Best all-staff effort: The most far-reaching project ever attempted by D editors, writers, and photographers was our October issue, “A Day in the Life of Dallas.” It was a day of taking it to the streets and bringing it back, of extraordinary moments with ordinary people. July 23 is a day we will remember for a long time.

Worst moment that followed the best all-staff effort: An anonymous caller rang up in a rage shortly after our Day in the Life issue came out and accused us of copying the idea from Austin’s 3rd Coast magazine, which chronicled a day in Austin in its August issue. Despite assurances that a) July comes before August, b) our project had been planned for at least a year, and c) the idea was not original anyway, the caller hung up unrepentant and unconvinced.

Most explosive fifteen-line item: When we gave a Thumbs Down to Southland Corporation for removing Playboy from its shelves and disputed the porno-sexual violence link, we heard about it. Boy, did we hear about it.

Worst hate mail: Even the agitated outcry over our defense of Playboy seems tame when compared to the deafening blasts from gun lovers who wrote in reply to Chris Tucker’s Parting Shot on gun control (June). Tucker was called a wild-eyed liberal, a poor loser, hysterical, emotional, an idiotic imbecile, a gasket-buster, a Gadhafi who had learned to speak English, and a she. Several designed bloody fates for him. Wrote one particularly erudite fan: “I would personally like to be standing next to Tucker when. .. three or four doped-up punks break into his home and put an end to his air supply…. He will then wish he had a Parting Shot,”

Second-worst hate mail: When associate editor Sally Giddens reviewed area MBA programs and had few kind words to say about the program at East Texas State University, the entire population of Commerce was up in arms. No, Giddens was never denied admittance to East Texas State. Nor does she plan to apply.

Worst excuse for hate mail: A few readers have written over the past year to accuse us of being a bunch of “knee-jerk Yankees” without a native bone in our collective bodies. Here, to set the record straight, is the official count: of the thirteen full-time editors and writers on the staff of D ten were born right here in the Lone Star State.

Best move by a former D staffer: Former editor, publisher, and founder of A Wick Allison, staged a spectacular publishing coup last summer when his New York-based magazine, Art & Antiques, scooped the art world by showing a previously unknown series of paintings by Andrew Wyeth. The scoop got cover coverage in both Time and Newsweek. Allison attributed his success to “pure, dumb luck.”

Second-best move by a former D staffer: In September, former D editor Lee Cullum was named editorial page editor of the Dallas Times Herald, which is launching a new offensive against the rival Dallas Morning News under new ownership.

Most startling coincidence: A mere two days after D’s December issue, which featured a cover story on SMU’s struggle to gain top national ranking, was mailed to subscribers, SMU’s president, whom we characterized as strong but not strong enough, resigned, citing “health reasons.” Was it something we said?

Best story idea that never saw print: A local humorist-cum-writer-cum public relations man, Bailey Hankins, penned a hilarious and only slightly irreverent essay entitled “Ross Perot Buys God.”

Worst story idea that never saw print: “Catsup: the Champagne of Condiments.”