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PARTING SHOT

Why not the rest? Results of the "Me for Mayor" survey
By Chris Tucker |

Some weeks ago, readers of local newspapers might have seen the following classified ad squeezed in among the notices for Credit Repair, Tel-a-Strip, and Tropical Plant Rentals:

If you were mayor of Dallas, how would you change the city? Send a 200-word statement of your plans to Me For Mayor, D Magazine, etc.

The ad, it must be said, was born of despair. In the early going, it seemed that none of the four major candidates for mayor had the three minimum qualities to make them vote-worthy: electability, capability, and believability. By “major” candidates I mean people who are ready to spend $500,000 to a million dollars to get elected, as Jim Buerger, Jim Collins, Fred Meyer, and Annette Strauss are doing even as we stare with horror at this year’s W-4 form, I’m not saying this is how it should be. but, sadly, that’s how it is. Other candidates may have some very valuable ideas, but chances are most of the city will never know these people exist unless they’ve got enough money to buy visibility.

Hence the ad, an attempt to hear the vox populi talk about the city and what it needs. The response was not overwhelming. Still, considering that less than 20 percent of the city’s registered voters will shoulder the onerous burden of democracy and vote on April 4, it’s gratifying to know that some two dozen people took the trouble to express an opinion. Our well-financed candidates might want to borrow some of their ideas. A sample of the responses:

Michael L. Keel (native Dallasite, St. Paul’s, 4/6/54) wrote to share some ideas that would be “great realities” and some others that are just “fantasies.” He invites us to separate the two. No problem, Michael. We’re used to doing that with politicians. Mayor Keel would establish a Public Service Division that would develop jobs for the homeless and unemployed, He would also request that all churches spend 10 percent of their “foreign missions money” on local projects for the needy. Keel says that if elected, he would be “the first intelligent, non-society, impoverished person to do so.” Could the city secretary check on that?

If you think our society is sliding into squishy decadence, if you think the barbarians are at the gates, Morton Kolleeny of Irving is your man for mayor, He would strictly enforce antipollution laws. All cars “bellowing smoke into the air” would be “confiscated and destroyed ” No rapist or wife beater would be brought into police headquarters “standing up”-not after Kol-leeny’s cops charged in with “clubs swinging” to bust these wrongdoers. Mr. Kolleeny does not distinguish between accused and convicted sex criminals; perhaps a hasty post-beating trial could be held on the way to the slammer.

On the subject of traffic, Dee Claybrook of Dallas would help us toward International Cityhood by licensing cars as they do in the European Common Market countries, to “ensure that cars driven on Dallas freeways were road worthy” and not likely to stall out on Central at five o’clock. Hear, hear. Mayor Claybrook would also give coupons redeemable for city services and fees to those who take the bus during rush hours. Hmm. Are the candidates listening?

“MJW” of Dallas admits he is no expert on the powers of the mayor’s office, so he will just throw out his ideas and “worry about the legalities later.” (MJW, did you ever coach football at SMU?) As mayor, MJW would shake things up by slapping a moratorium on “all present and future road projects.” Most of MJW’s plans are aimed at attracting “Mr. Corporate Executive” to Dallas, and that means this place needs to be cleaned up. Literally. MJW does not want visiting moguls to see “twenty city workers standing around one five-foot ditch,” so he would put these layabouts to work with broom and brush sprucing up the city.

Speaking of cleaning up the city, Richard Castle of Dallas would move swiftly to abolish smoking in all public places. He would also work to end “racism” on the city council, the cause of much “petty bickering and infighting.” Hizzoner Castle would solve traffic problems through public praise and humiliation. When reckless drivers see their picture on one of Castle’s billboards, they’ll think twice before running that stop sign. As for crime. Castle’s first order of business would be to have police trade in their handguns for tranquilizer guns, so that “errors in judgment would have a second chance.” Alas. Castle, a newcomer to politics, has yet to learn that the NRA, not some pipsqueak elected official, makes gun policy in these parts.

A “concerned citizen” says he or she would put aid to the elderly on the front burner in Dallas. “Senior Citizen Villages” would spring up around the city, funded by donations from the rich and from state revenues. The centers would include retail and drug stores, post offices, rec centers, and other amenities for the twilight years. CC says that “for years, people and governments have been fighting aged people.”

Robert Bourland of Dallas, courting the humanitarian vote, would ask all grocery stores to turn over bent cans of food, day-old meat and produce, and damaged goods to the city. Bourland says that the average store throws away $1,600 a week in unlabeled cans, discontinued items, etc. He would work to get some kind of tax breaks for stores helping to feed the hungry.

As for political rhetoric, we got nothing to match Kennedy’s “Ask not.. ” challenge or Churchill’s offer of “blood, toil, tears, and sweat.” But a Mr. Chet Norris, who bills himself as “A Voice for all Reasons,” sent this brief, symbolic jab: “What’s in it for me?” And they say cynicism is dead.

Then there was Bailey Hankins, a Dallas public relations man/humorist, who just couldn’t resist making a mockery out of these solemn proceedings. Good taste and a touch of envy prevent my reprinting all of Hankins’s “revolutionary seventeen-point program,” but here are some lowlights: Hankins would begin his reign by making “any and all promises necessary for reelection.” To rid us of the giant excavation hole at Carlisle and Lemmon, Hankins and his minions would spread rumors that the hole has “historical significance.” That would bring developers running to “smear high-density housing alt over it.” And Hankins would push to have all General Motors plants relocated in Dallas. Highland Park and University Park would be annexed and reserved for executives of GM and EDS as part of their fringe benefits package. Of course, the towns would have to be renamed. Hankins suggests the Perk Cities.

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