CONVERTIBLE CONTENDERS

A man wearing a tux and a bad toupee grabs the microphone as it descends to the center of the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he intones, “Reunion Arena is proud to present a boxing exhibition to fill the vacant Convertible Championship of the World.

“In the blue corner, weighing in at 3.494 pounds, with a professional price tag of $54,700, fighting out of the Motown stables in Detroit and representing conspicuous consumption in the American style-Cadillac Two Top’ Allante!”

The cornermen remove the Allante’s car cover to reveal a stunning two-seat roadster that resembles a sleeker version of the Mercedes-Benz 560SL. Most of the cheering comes from the more expensive ringside seats.

“And in the red corner,” the announcer continues, “weighing in at 3,015 pounds, with a professional price tag of $28,875, fighting out of the Proud-to-be-a-Yuppie Gym in Bavaria and representing Teutonic perki-ness-the Trimmer Bimmer, BMW 325i Convertible!”

The Bimmer drops its clutch and speeds to the center of the ring. It looks exactly like a BMW 325 with the top chopped off-sporty, well-proportioned, not quite elegant. Raucous cheers rain down from the upper reaches of Reunion Arena, where stockbrokers begin the notorious “Bim-mer” chant.

Cut to the press section at ringside: “Hello, I’m Tim Ryan for CBS Sports. With me this afternoon are boxing experts Gil Clancy and Ray Leonard. First, a little background on the fighters: the much-ballyhooed Allante is Cadillac’s first-and many say long overdue-ultra-luxury car. The big question about the Allante is whether an American car can compete in the rarefied company of the Mercedes 560SL, Jaguar XJ-S, and Porsche 928S4. BMW, on the other hand, doesn’t have to find new buyers for its 325i convertible. The 3-Series has been immensely popular for years, and the upgraded engine-up to 168 from 121 horsepower this year-in the convertible makes it a leaner, meaner fighting machine. Today’s bout shapes up as a classic confrontation between a boxer and a slugger-the BMW with the edge in speed, but the Allante certainly the heavier hitter.”

Clancy: “Thai’s right, Tim-my. But 1 think the key to this fight is experience. Both of these cars are brand new, no question about that, but the Allante is newer. Cadillac hasn’t made a two-seater in maybe fifty years, and it’s not so easy to get it right the first time. BMW’s been making 3-Series models since 1976, and chopping the top off a car you’ve already got is a helluva lot easier than building a rag-top from scratch.”

Leonard: “Sure, the 325’s been around for a while, but BMW has never built a mass-production convertible before. Experience looks pretty even to me. Gil. Appearance will be the difference. The Bimmer’s a good-looking car, but it’s got no flash. If you want a show-stopper, you take the Caddy and that body by Pininfarina. I say this one’s going to be over early.”

The bell rings to start round one and the cars meet in the cen-ter of the ring. “I like the way the Allante moves,” Leonard says. “Looking at it, you wouldn’t think it’s as fast as it is.”

Clancy: “Fast, yes. Quick, no. The Caddy’s got an automatic transmission, and the BMW is much quicker starting and stopping.”

Cut to the middle of round three: the BMW is literally running rings around the Allante. Clancy: “Boy, that BMW’s just so nimble. The Caddy’s out of its league in this kind of fight.”

Ryan: “Thirty seconds left in round three of this fifteen-round bout. The BMW leads the Allante through a sharp left turn and-the Cadillac clips the ring post! It completes the turn but there’s a noticeable dent in the right front. It could be serious.”

Clancy: “Don’t think so, Tim-my. The comer should be able to patch that up between rounds.”

Cut to the Atlante’s comer: the trainer is furious. “What the hell’re you doing out there, Al, playing pattycake? You cost $54,700, right? The Bimmer goes for $30,000-maybe. You got 25,000 bucks on him. Make ’em count, for Chrissakes.”

Round four is all Allante. The BMW uses its four seats-the Cadillac has only two-to mount a brief comeback in round five, but the Allante is back in control by the time the round ends. Fast forward ten minutes. Ryan: ’Well, it’s all over here at Reunion Arena. Referee Richard Green stops the fight at 2:43 of the sixth round after a brief but brutal flurry by the Allante. The BMW still looks a bit dazed.”

Leonard: “That was close to a perfect combination. First, it put the convertible top up and down-a classic one-two-and then it hit the Bimmer with the removable aluminum hardtop. I haven’t seen one of those since the first T-Birds. The fight just goes to prove the old adage-a good, very expensive car will beat a good, moderately expensive car.”