HUNTING POLAR BEERS

Here it is: August again, that sweltering month when joggers jog before sunup and air conditioners drone on incessantly. Questions about the death of IRAs and worldwide monetary stability fall by the wayside next to that one all-important question that rises out of the steam: where can we find a cold-no, the coldest-mug of beer in Dallas? We at D, dauntless in our pursuit of higher truths, pounded the pavement in search of that elusive cold mug of brew. After hearing countless hosannas to the frosty brew at this bar or that-all mere guesswork-we set out in the name of science, armed with laboratory thermometers, to uncover the city’s coldest beer.

Our search began at the Greenville Avenue Country Club, a literal watering hole (complete with pool) where summer sufferers have cooled off for years-but not, our readings revealed, by drinking the beer. Michelob arrived in a plastic mug at 55.4 degrees Fahrenheit, while Miller Lite fared even worse at a tepid 57.2 degrees. How warm is 57.2 degrees? Well, we bought a 37.4-degree Coke from our office machine, opened it, and let it sit at room temperature until it reached 57.2 degrees. That took fifty-three minutes. Shocked, we returned to the GACC to verify our findings, and were informed that they no longer served beer on tap. The management explained that they had too many problems keeping it cold.

Another candidate for the city’s warmest beer came from The Greenville Bar & Grill, with a Budweiser Light measuring 50.9 degrees and Miller steaming in at 51.8 degrees.

The mercury started slipping at the Knox Street Pub (Miche-lob Dark and Bud Light, 46.4) and at the Prohibition Room in the Brewery (same beers, both 45 degrees). Things got cooler still at Snuffer’s with a 42.8-de-gree Michelob. But still, that truly tooth-cracking cold beer eluded us.

Then we thought we’d found it! False alarm, but the Lounge at the Inwood Theatre served up a frosty brew at a pleasingly chilly 39.2 degrees, or 4 degrees Celsius. It’s important to note, however, that water is at its maximum density at 4 degrees C. So, while the Lounge does not have the coldest beer in town, they do give the most beer for the buck, molecularly speaking.

The frigid finale came when we quaffed a head-spinning, throat-freezing draft at Humper-dink’s on Greenville Avenue. Their Heineken on tap hit the table at a stinging 32 degrees Fahrenheit-the very stuff summer dreams are made of. According to medical authorities, an unprotected man could last only four minutes afloat in this beer before hypothermia would set in. But what a way to go! Other Mercurial Moments from our Quest:

The Saloon: Coors 40.1 degrees. Club Schmitz: Budweiser 41 degrees, Miller Lite 42.8 degrees. Chelsea Corner: Heineken 41 degrees, Michelob 44.6 degrees. Andrew’s on McKinney: Heineken 42.8 degrees, Michelob 41 degrees.

Dick’s Last Resort: Budweiser and Miller Lite, 42.8 degrees.