Tuesday, January 25, 2022 Jan 25, 2022
46° F Dallas, TX


A litany of dos and don’ts
By  |

Realizing the failure rate of those restaurants created by young hopefuls with experience obtained on the
cus-tomer’s side of the bar, we compiled a list of points and factors that seem to spell success in our town. Any
Dallas restaurant hoping to make it should include at least 42 percent of the following:

a foreign maitre d’

Herculean broccoli

tricky (cloth) napkin folds

designer coffee

pre-recorded “baby boomer” music

uncomfortable chairs

desserts that use the color red

a house drink with layers

more than 50 obscure, imported beers

a blackboard for specials

thirty entrées that can be made from a combination of seven ingredients

pasta seven ways

recipes named for people’s mothers

mesquite-broiled anything

a cheese plate with grapes

unusual butter dishes

poor parking requiring valet service patio umbrellas

a sizzling plate of anything

“ethnic-chic” foods like ribs, catfish and corn bread

recipes stolen from the owner’s favorite vacation town

three kinds of fish nobody’s ever heard of

New York cheesecake made by the owner’s cousin

dress code for men only

waiters who sing “Happy Birthday” without conviction

waitresses who sign check “Thanx”

a teen-age cook called “the chef”

enormous fresh-flower arrangements pink lights

neon in any configuration

pictures on the wall of those you hope will come back

And the budding restaurant entrepreneur must remember to:

have a waiter with a strong accent offer the menu verbally

hire a bored hostess who is a would-be actress

have no service but offer giant portions of cheap stuff (onion rings)

have park benches in front for those waiting outside

make waiting space so small that people have to wait outside

offer unusually weird bread

never say “How is it?”.. .say: “Is it delicious?”

obey the rule: “the smaller the portion, the bigger the plate”

hire busboys who are terrified of being deported

use color combinations like taupe and cranberry, Naples yellow and wintergreen

buy chairs that won’t hold up

sell T-shirts with your name on them do tricky tin foil folds on packages of leftovers

when in doubt, do a fountain have hamburgers, chili and lobster on the same menu

offer really sour salad dressings

imply that chicken-fried steak is important

treat the customer like an idiot: put his napkin in his lap

have a friend with a Rolls Royce park in front