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SURVIVAL AT D/FW

By D Magazine |

Dallas/Fort Worth Regional Airport sits like Oz at the end of Airport Freeway, a formidable 17,800-acre kingdom of polished steel pterodactyls and 20,000 uniformed wizards of flight. Few of us have not made the pilgrimage past Texas Stadium, Ichabod’s Japanese restaurant and on around the grassy curves that serve as transitions between Metroplex and Travel-plex. We go to travel or to welcome travelers, or perhaps just to observe the everyday miracle of flight, watching jets taxi and then rise, sucking up their landing gear and disappearingfrom sight.

“As big as Manhattan,” ads inThe Wall Street journal pro-claimed when D/FW firstopened its hangars, but our;gargantuan airport is sadly;short on style. The fifth busiestairport in the world rings fewbells on the ambiance meters, but that’s okay. D/FW is builtfor business, and it’s amazinglywell-organized. Having wan-;dered the catacombs of JFKAirport and walked the miles ofopen spaces in Atlanta, we seemuch to appreciate at D/FWOur opening advice: Whendriving into the airport, slowdown and follow the posteddirections closely; missing yourterminal at a place this size canmean missing your flight ifyou’re running late. Tune yourradio to 530 AM for parking information. And once you’re onfoot, don’t hesitate to ask anysecurity guard or baggage clerkfor directions; most of them arefriendly and very well-in-formed.

Surely, we thought, there is ?! more to D/FW than concrete and Flying Red Horse T-shirts, With that hope, we spent a number of hours roaming past the airport’s 96 flight gates and \ 200-plus paging phones. For the most part we were bored, but in fairness, airports are not meant to be toured but seen in sections-and not too many sections at once. Walk the distance and your spirit is oppressed by repetition, as with the 35 or so signs encouraging you to “Do a Daquiri” or some other libation. We declined most of the invitations, but we did pick up some useful information about things both small (children’s car seats for rent) and large (gas stations located at either end of the airport).

When the system became operational in 1974, we were skeptical about airtrans, the airport’s system of 52 passenger trains connecting the four main terminals, the Amfac Hotel and the reduced-rate parking areas. But now the dependability margin for the 24-hour service is up to 99 percent, and that makes the less-expensive remote parking more attractive. You can drop off your luggage at the airtrans station, park your car nearby and ride the air-conditioned trolley right to your gate. For short hops out of town, though, we still recommend parking near your gate in any space not marked “One Hour Only.” If the lot nearest your gate is full, try another; there’s no reason not to park with Ozark just because you’re flying with Delta. Another good idea is valet parking. For $5 plus the regular airport parking charge, you can leave your car curbside at Section C, Terminals 2E and 3E. When you return, a bus will take you to your car. (Call American Valet at 574-5098 for more information). An even better valet service is offered one mile from the airport at D/FW XPress Parking (258-8917). If you’re flying Delta, you can buy a ticket and check your bags at XPress. For an extra charge, they’ll wash and vacuum your car, clean the carpets and seats-even do an oil and lube job.

You’ve probably wondered what you would do if a flight were canceled or you were bumped from a flight at D/FW. You might think a year in the Gulag would be better, but take heart: In the right frame of mind, you can amuse yourself with a stroll through D/FW. Steel yourself against those posters in front of every gift shop-the ones showing a wide-eyed moppet asking, “What did you bring me?” (Think how many returning conventioneers have done penance in these shops!) Your out-of-town visitors (if not from Washington) may want to visit the Jethro Pugh shop to buy Cowboys keychains, playing cards and, for all we know, metallic blue onion rings. The Paradies Gift Shops do have a few items not found in most tourist traps. A $6.40 jar of Saquiro Cactus Honey or prickly pear marmalade is an unusual way to say, “So long, ya’ll.” Other stores offer name-brand Western shirts for reasonable prices. And if you’ve really been gone a long time, you can find a selection of red, uh, underthings that Frederick’s of Hollywood might blush to display.

D/FW’s greatest shortcoming may be its lack of adequate duty-free shopping. The three small shops hardly enhance our sought-after “International City” image.

Another way to fight airport ennui is to get yourself nicely spruced up at one of the small barber shops found in the American, Braniff and Delta terminals. Autographed pictures paper the walls in the Delta shop, where the strains of Hank Williams and Merle Haggard fill the air. (We had the odd sensation of stumbling into a small-town barber shop in East Texas.) In the American terminal, the barber shop theme is Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Owner Bud Hunter has held forth there for 11 years, and he does it all: clips, shaves and shines. His most regular customers are airport employees, and he has just one complaint: He hates the tightfisted movie stars who come through “acting like they’re doing me a favor to let me cut their hair.”

Dobbs Houses Inc. is responsible for the 21 lounges, four coffee shops and six self-serve restaurants at D/FW (and the hundreds of identical eateries in 26 airports across the na-tion). Unless you’re fainting from hunger, avoid the high prices of these cellophaned sandwiches and salads. Some of the cafeterias do make attempts at regional dishes such as fried chicken and chicken-fried steak, but you’ve had better at lower prices.

We tested D/FW employees with trick questions designed to show their knowledge of the facility (for example: “I can’t remember where I parked my car, but I think it was near a real big terminal, and my Ozark flight from St. Louis was late coming with my sister and I’m supposed to meet her at 2E, Gate 10. What do I do?”) We found them patient, courteous and reliable. Our only run-in with an employee occurred while we waited for an 8:20 flight one morning. With time to kill, we repaired to the cafe in Terminal 3E, just across from Gate 35. The room was full, and several customers had taken their coffee and doughnuts into the adjoining bar, which was closed. We followed suit, but were accosted by a rude waitress whose first words were, “Ya’ll goin’ to have to move out of here. I need these tables.” No other tables were free, so we smiled and said we’d be out in 10 minutes. She had no customers and it seemed unlikely that a herd of boozers would descend on her bar at 8:00. But she got mad. “There’s a rule against having a paper cup in here,” she snapped, confirming her membership in OESR, the Organization for Enforcement of Stupid Rules. “You’re going to get in a lot of trouble if you don’t move,” she growled. We moved. Hope she sold plenty of drinks that morning.

As an alternative to greasy sandwiches and microwaved burritos, we suggest walking or hopping an airtrans to the Amfac Hotel for a buffet breakfast or lunch at Papaya’s. For $6.25 at breakfast or $7.50 at lunch, you can choose from a large, attractive smorgasbord. On our visit, the variety of food on the several buffet tables was enough to make anyone indecisive- tacos, barbecued sausage, soups, cold cuts, numerous cheeses and an assortment of innovative salads. Select dinner from Papaya’s menu or try another Amfac restaurant: Sullivan O’Shaughnessy’s, I1 Nonno’s, Mr. G’s or Yorkshire’s. After your meal, the Amfac lobby is a comfortable spot to wait during a long layover, but if you’re serious about recuperating, catch a power nap in one of the hotel’s nap rooms. It’s $5 an hour, and you can leave a wake-up call at the desk. Refreshed, you might work out at the hotel spa; the $12 fee for non-members includes exercise togs.

If you haven’t time for lunch at the Amfac, D/FW has a passable seafood bar in Terminal 3, entrance B4, and there’s a natural-snack stand for nuts and sun-dried fruit in Terminal 4E, section A. But a waist is a terrible thing to mind, so don’t miss the Haagen-Dasz ice-cream shop near Gate 22 in Terminal 2E. After all this eating, you can skip the meal on the plane.

PLANE PARLANCE: An Airhead’s Glossary



DEPLANING:

Used in the face-saving phrase “If Miami is not your destination this morning, please come forward for deplaning.” It means, “You’re on the wrong plane, stupid. Get off.”



FINAL DESCENT:

A disquieting phrase indicating a landing soon. FA A rules should barany mention of finality on an airplane.



FLOTATION DEVICE:

Your chair seat. In case of trouble between Dallas and El Paso, the pilot will head for a lake. A big lake.



INITIAL APPROACH:

1) Your opening gambit with the chic traveler in the next seat.

2) Another scary bit of jargon. If we we don’t make it on the initial approach, do we try again?



TAXI:

What you could have used to get there quicker than some flights.

A SONG IN THE AIR



When you’ve read the in-flight magazine and seen the in-flight newsreel, how about some appropriate in-flight music? The airline that really wants to pamper a flyer should have its head(phones) in the clouds, usically speaking. Here’s some mood music we’d like to hear:



Up, Up and Away

Eight Miles High

Bennie and the Jets

Great Speckled Bird

Stairway to Heaven

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Fly Me to the Moon

2,000 Light Years From Home

Wings’ Greatest Hits

Riders on the Storm

Magic Carpet Ride

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

Flight of the Bumblebee

Jefferson Airplane’s Greatest Hits

Fly Like an Eagle

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