PLANE TALK

AMERICAN.



We took more flights on AA than on any other airline, and so do most of you: The behemoth carrier, sprawled over two terminals at D/FW, accounts for 58 percent of the traffic in and out of the airport, with more flights to more business destinations than any local competitor. It has 12,000 parking spaces, long moving sidewalk connecting its terminals and the snaking ticket counters with special slots for almost everything: boarding passes, baggage check, ticketing, flights to London’s Gatwick Airport and more. Long flights on AA can be very pleasant; they show a recap of the day’s news and offer a choice of eight different radio channels, with headphones fee of charge the way it’s supposed to be. On one flight to Hawaii, the crew amused us by holding a contest to guess its collective years of flying experience: 285 years, roughly 20 per person. (So much for the stereotype of the ingenue stewardess.) We note, too, that AA drink carts are narrower and better suited to navigating the aisles without bumping people-a small thing, but quality is made of minutia. Perhaps these nice touches raised our expectations about the food, which was usually mediocre. Rubbery banquet chicken stuffed with an unidentifiable substance (rice, we were told); limp broccoli and carrots; dry salad with limited choice of dressing. You can do somewhat better by ordering in advance the special meals available on AA and other large carriers. The hot seafood casserole, whether eaten over Atlanta or Seattle, features tasty shrimp, chunks of crab and some large scallops that could usually stand just a bit more cooking, all plopped into a savory rice and mushroom broth. British malt bread, a rare find six miles up, accompanied some of our meals. As for the American desserts, most of them are sugary masses of chemicals; pray you avoid them. A final note: Maybe we’re jinxed, but we had three luggage problems on American. Once our bags came to Dallas before we did; another time, a bag was temporarily lost in the bowels of the conveyer system; one never showed at all and was delivered late that night by an apologetic employee.



UNITED



This airline got good marks from most of our flyers-once they were in the air. But we did have some problems getting under way. We charged “special fare” tickets for a flight to Seattle over the telephone, then waited two weeks for their arrival. And surprise: the United reservationist failed to tell us that we would have a one-hour layover in San Francisco. We had people waiting for us in Seattle, and on top of everything we arrived late, par for the course these days. On another flight, however, the desk attendants made a real effort to switch us from smoking to non-smoking at the last mintue (one of our party had decided to kick the habit). Dinner on a flight from Denver was particularly memorable-juicy roast beef, noodles and assorted vegetables with a crisp salad and a passable spice cake-the kind you eat even though you know Uncle Harry will take you out to eat once you arrive. The decor in some United planes makes you want to reach for a magazine- muddy brown seat covers with red, orange and blue stripes and checks, worn to the point of fuzz balls. Maybe that’s their way of making the flight seem more like home.



OZARK



“Unexpected turbulence,” when speaking of Ozark, may have to do with the digestive tract. Never have we seen a wider gap between the way meals looked and the way they tasted. Winging our way to St. Louis, we were given a beautiful breakfast, replete with a tiny flower blossom peeking from the rolled napkin. But the eyes, alas, cannot eat. The omelette was gooey, the spuds, undercooked; the pecan cake (for breakfast?), unmentionable. Another time, on a flight that left the ground one hour late, we were presented a truly ghastly creation: egg, bacon and lukewarm cheese on burnt bread with cold mayonnaise. Two tiny melon slices rode shotgun with a fingerbowl of juice. Rated yecchh. Just Bad Days, maybe. But Ozark also sits you down on the hardest seats in the sky, inducing bottom paralysis within an hour. (Perhaps these are “flotation devices” used to crack open frozen oceans.) This airline doesn’t waste space, either. Fly with someone you like, because steady contact with your neighbor’s arm is unavoidable unless you work out an agreement as to who owns the armrest and when.



DELTA



Our Delta flights were strikingly different from one another. We were disappointed by short hops on the aging DC-9s. On one, the cabin air was stale and warmish. From our fourth row seat a non-descript brown wall returned our stare. One “breakfast” flight surprised us with two triangles of sandwiches, a stale wedge of coffee cake and coffee, though it was just shy of 9 a.m. Another time, however, we enjoyed fluffy scrambled eggs and piping-hot sausages and potatoes. On one trip to Denver we left 20 minutes late-no apology, no explanation. But when we were 45 minutes late from Kansas City, we received a lucid explanation and apologies. One flight was an outrageous one hour late, but the crew made every effort to help passengers with connecting flights, making certain that everyone knew the quickest way to the right gate. And a comfort note: One of our flyers, who’d rather sleep than complain, swears that Delta has the softest blankets she’s ever snoozed in.

EASTERN



Our fliers took advantage of this airline’s quick and easy curbside baggage check-in and loved it. Total check-in time on one flight: 1:38, thanks to quick, friendly personnel. We beg to differ with the planes’ decorator, however: Seats done in orange amoeba-like blobs and tan clumps on an olive-green background? Far too busy for the nervous flyer. But communications from the pilot were brief and to-the-point, with no lengthy hype about frequent flyer benefits. Flight attendants were relentlessly efficient, never letting the coffee level fall below half. But those loathsome hermetically sealed orange juice containers have to go. For the second time in a week the little tub was too full and the aluminum top too hard to roll back, so splash! There went the slacks. But the food atoned for the hassle. The roast, believe it or not, was among the best we’ve had at any elevation-hot, tender and flavorful. The vegetables stacked up nicely and even the slab of chocolate cake disguised its chemical heritage. The meal was so good, in fact, that we were ready to ignore the inflight fly buzzing around our heads. (A small matter, anyway.)



BRANIFF



The new Braniff, despite its woes, may be the prettiest airline going. We were especially fetched by the seat colors-bisque, taupe, gunmetal and navy blue, arranged in a sequence that gives a lighter-to-darker effect as you walk down the aisle. And we must report this bombshell: One of our Braniff flights left the ground precisely at the scheduled time! The trays on the seat backs are large enough to serve as work tables for small portable typewriters. As part of its new austerity measures, Braniff serves hot meals only in its “business cabin”; back in the cheap seats, we got cold snacks like a croissant, muffin and orange juice for breakfast. On a flight to New Orleans, no meal was served: we were told that after the September cutbacks, Braniff labeled the flight “too short” for meal service. But on a business-cabin trip to New York, we were served a juicy steak, the best in-flight meal we can remember. We’ve also seen decent barbecue and an edible airline dessert, a droolable chocolate-raspberry torte.

In the outrage department, we were bumped from a Labor Day night flight from Kansas City when the carrier overbooked by 40 passengers. “We do it all the time,” the ticket agent said, adding that a high percentage of no-shows made the tactic a shrewd business move. We were compensated with $290 roundtrip tickets to any Braniff destination, but hotel accomodations and transportation weren’t included in the deal. You have to hand it to Braniff, though; it never passes up a chance to sing its own praises. When its reservation line is busy, a cheerful recorded voice says “Due to your overwhelming response, our lines are temporarily busy.”



MIDWAY



From its start as a no-frills carrier in 1979, Midway has grown into a well-run purveyor of complimentary wine and hot towels. On Midway, everyone goes first class-or at least, everyone gets the same slick treatment, from free coffee at the gate to the travel representative on board to answer questions about Chicago. The seats, a full 21 inches wide, are equipped with small, quarter-tray tables that allow you to enjoy your coffee and still cross your legs. Midway offers perhaps the only high-tech airline meals. In neat black boxes tied with gold elastic we found compartmentalized niblets: four paper cups of goldfish, toasted almonds, orange quarters and seedless grapes, plus a slightly dry sandwich and a granola square. Midway is the best bet to Chicago.



SOUTHWEST



“They’ve come a long way from hot pants,” said one of our flyers. The newer planes are more attractive than those of the past, as are the stewardesses’ uniforms-and of course you know that Southwest now has male flight attendants as well, another departure from its slightly chauvinistic past. South west has started giving everyone numbered boarding passes, a welcome change from its old cattle-car boarding system, but it still doesn’t have assigned seating. (When he griped about sitting so far to the front of the plane, one flyer was told, “You’re lucky you got a seat.”) Most of our mild complaints against Southwest center on the rushed, let’s move-it atmosphere. One flyer described the typical SW flight as “feeling like you’re driving too fast on a bumpy road.” There’s no meal service on Southwest, even on the longer flights to places like San Francisco, which can involve numerous stops along the way. However, “executive class” flights (Monday-Friday, 6:30 a.m.-7 p.m.) feature complimentary cocktails, beer and wine.



MUSE-AIR.



It’s inevitable that Muse be compared with Southwest, its well-established rival at Love Field, and in some areas Muse wins hands-down. There’s no doubt that Muse flights are generally smoother and, from what we could tell, cleaner than Southwest flights. Muse forbids smoking, of course, and that contributes to the clean, fresh atmosphere. Among minor irritations, we found two tray tables that did not go down all the way, making them useless for our beverages. And the planes are air-conditioned with a vengeance; one flyer reported a loss of feeling in his hands on a flight from Houston.