A MUCKRAKER’S TOUR OF DALIAS

IN AUGUST, the eyes of all those vitally concerned with our political process (i.e., 118,000 media types and a few others) will turn to Dallas for the coronation of one Ronald Reagan. And you know what that means.

Company’s comin’, ya ’ll. Time to spruce up those yards and put on your Sunday best. Wash that civic face and slather a load of Clearasil over those communal zits. Put up the Anti-Rowdy Fence around the Convention Center and stick those protesters out in East Nowhere. This is going to be the Woodstock of the Mercedes set, our chance not only to rake in plenty of cash but to erase the last lingering stigma of Bad Dallas, pre-America’s Team. You want upward mobility? You want an Ail-American City That Works? Step right up.

But just what if, among the hurried beautification and the barrage of booster rhetoric, something important is being overlooked? Like Dallas, for instance. Maybe we should tell the PR people to get prioritized and focus on what’s really important.

Consider the great convention cities of the past two decades. San Francisco, 1960 and 1984. Chicago and Miami, 1968. Detroit and New York, 1980. And now, Dallas. Which one does not belong in that rogue’s gallery of trashy, oddball towns? You guessed it. In that list, Dallas is a pedicured poodle in a pack of junkyard dogs. The San Francisco convention will be held in the Cow Palace. Move it to Dallas, and we’d probably fill it with ferns and rename it La Bovine.

Like the nouveau riche everywhere, Dallas is too eager to conceal the tacky, funky, unsavory Darth Vader side of its nature. New York is The City That Never Sleeps. Dallas is The City That Always Banks. Chicago, hog butcher of the nation; Dallas, microchip minister to the universe.

But Dallas is more than an air-conditioned glide down the Parkway to Bloomie’s. A great city parties, argues, sweats and tells the occasional off-color joke. It attracts people of all sorts, some of whom may not even own a gold American Express card. What ultimately makes a living city, we have to hope, is not glossy brochures but gritty reality- and our determination to face our imperfections, stare down our blunders and bad guys and move on.

Hence this fresco of fiasco, a collection of civic embarrassments, botches, busts, uh-oh’s and general evidence that Murphy’s Law lives on in Dallas. These things happen, even in the best zip codes. We may not have as many skeletons in the closet as New York and Chicago, but they’ve been at it longer. Just give us time-we’ll catch up.

1. 15000 block of Nedra Way. Nestled here is the former home of Russell Webster, the infamous “Snow White,” who led Dallas’ largest cocaine ring until his 1983 arrest.

2. Reunion Arena. Two City Council-men lost their cool when they were refused free admission to a Diana Ross concert. They claimed that, after all, Reunion was a city facility.

3. Southfork Ranch, (6 miles east off Exit 30 in Piano). No comment needed.

4. Medallion Center, Northwest Highway at Skillman. Former site of Cardi’s nightclub. Rock legend David Crosby was busted here for drugs; if convicted, he faces five years’ hard time.

5. 2600-2800 blocks of McKinney Avenue. Streets were ripped up to expose the picturesque old bricks beneath. Picturesqueold bricks then played havoc with car tires, ending the project.

6. The Dallas Cowboy’s practice field, 355 Forest Lane. The North Dallas Forty of the book and movie.

7. Interfirst Two Building, Elm at Field. The 56-story building, Dallas’ tallest, was scaled by “Spider Dan” on November 7, 1981 in 4 hours, 10 minutes.

8. The Majestic Theatre, 1925 Elm.Singer Lena Horne had been booked to open the renovated theater, but gadfly Elsie Faye Heggins complained that minorities would not be able to afford the hefty charge for the opening night gala. The nationwide bad press led to Horne’s canceling the gig.

9. 4500 Lakeside Drive. Welcome to Bum Blight’s home, Dallas. The new owner of the Dallas Cowboys helped finance the infamous “Welcome to Dallas, Mr. Kennedy” ad that insulted JFK on the day he was assassinated.

10. The Condo Belt, Interstate 30 near Lake Ray Hubbard. A “land flip” scandal here helped create a 10-year glut of condos.

11. Granny’s Dinner Playhouse, 12205 Coit. Named one of the worst offenders when a local TV station exposed numerous health code violations among Dallas restaurants.

12. The Don Byrd Memorial TrafficSignal, Preston Road at Villanova. When Sheriff Don Byrd collided with this light post, officers booked him on DWI charges. Byrd claimed he had suffered a stroke and was vindicated on a technicality.

13. Elgin B. Robertson Park, I-30 near Lake Ray Hubbard. Thousands of demonstrators are expected to camp here in August, some 18 miles from the Republican Convention.

14. Forest Avenue Hospital, 2516 Martin Luther King Blvd. Dallas’ only black-owned and operated hospital went bankrupt in October 1983.

15. Cotton Bowl, Fair Park. This excellent sports facility sits idle for most of theyear.

16. American Opinion Book Store, 66Arapaho Village Richardson. Is the Supreme Court a Communist plot? Find out at this ultra right-wing bookstore.

17. Socialist Workers Party Headquarters, 2817 Live Oak. Another bookstore,this one ultra left-wing. Better read thandead.

18. LTV Corp., 1525 Elm. The Dallas-based conglomerate was recently ordered topay the largest air-pollution fines in U.S. history-$4 million for pollution at its steelmills in three states.

19. 4200 block of San Carlos, University Park. A teenage prostitution ring was uncovered here in 1982.

20. The Trinity River. After 10 years ofstringent political regulation, Dallas’ longestsewer line is coming back to life. Livingthings have been spotted in the water.

21. Lee Park. Dallas police made unconstitutional mass arrests of suspected dopers here in 1971. Among those busted was Jim Mattox, now Texas attorney general, who was there to represent a client. Charges against him were later dropped.

22. North Lake College, 5001 N. Mac-Arthur Blvd., Irving. Two college administrators, fearing a disgruntled employee, packed guns to school. So much for the lifeof reason.

23. The Mansion, 2821 Turtle Creek.Movie star James Garner was refused service because he wasn’t wearing a tie.

24. Richardson Police Department, 311E. Main, Richardson. Ex-Cowboy player Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson further disgraced himself here when he was charged with stealing a typewriter from the Richardson cop shop. Henderson was visiting the jail after his arrest for delinquent speeding tickets.

25. Bowley and Wilson’s, 4714 Greenville. The raunchy outlaw comics were arrested on obscenity charges when their actgot even bluer than usual.

26. RSR Corp. Lead Smelter, 2820 N.Westmoreland. Responsible for higher-than-normal levels of lead found in the bloodof neighborhood children.

27. STB Architects, 7023 Greenville. An STB architect reported to police that Robert Gahl, head of Dallas’ building inspection division, allegedly solicited a $16,000 bribe. Gahl was subsequently arrested at this location.

28. The Lone Star Drive-in, 4600 Lawnview. The city’s sleaziest porno theater.

29. 2018 Elm Street. Former location of Rocky’s Pawn Shop, where John Hinckley Jr. bought the gun that wounded President Reagan and four others.

30. Poorest per capita neighborhood in Dallas. According to the 1980 census, citizens in the area bounded by I-20, the Trinity River and Loop 12 had a median incomeof $7,983.

31. Snider Plaza, Hillcrest at Lovers. Here, 1984-style surveillance cameras cut down on crime and privacy. But what have we got to hide, anyway?



32. The Dallas County Jail. Miguel A. Garcia was jailed for 113 days without being charged with a crime. He was released April 12, 1984.

33. 6614 Kenwell. Home of the Texas Kid (Willard Watson), the artist whose lawn sports Dallas’ wackiest yard art.

34. Church on the Rock, I-30 at Ridge Road, Rockwall. Here, billboards claim, pastor Larry Lea somehow “presents Jesus” every Sunday.

35. Caf坢 Dallas, Old Town, 5500 Greenville. Dallas Cowboy Don Smerek was shot in the chest outside this club in October 1981, following what police called “a traffic altercation.” The club also leads the city in discrimination complaints filed by patrons who were refused entrance for dress code violations.

36. Dunfey Dallas Hotel, 3800 W. Northwest Hwy. This hotel was scheduled to be destroyed in April, which came as a surprise to the Illinois Republican delegation. They were booked to stay at the hotel during the convention.

37. Southern Methodist University. When the Student Senate finally granted partial recognition to a gay student organization, former Gov. Bill Clements, chairman of SMU’s governing board, persuaded administrators to suspend the decision pending board review. On another front, administrators also removed a drawing of two pigs mating from a student art exhibit. The artwork was subsequently purchased by Stanley Marcus.