Saturday, August 20, 2022 Aug 20, 2022
86° F Dallas, TX


By Chris Tucker |

NOTHING IS MORE boring than the syrupy, let’s-all-be-brothers pap dished up by prominent people who are asked what they’re giving or what they want for Christmas. We say bah, and we’ve got something better. Through outright fabrication and what the CIA calls “hypothetical fact-free scenariography,” we’ve found out what some well-known Dallasites really want this Christmas.

For Harry Parker, director of the Dallas Museum of Art: Scratch-, rip- and bombproof painting covers; individual guard dogs for each gallery; a “by-appointment-only” system for viewing paintings and a mandatory background check on all museum visitors.

For the Southland Corp.: Annexation of the City of Dallas to become part of Southland Land, a $918 trillion development stretching from the Carrollton city limits to Seagoville.

For H.R. “Bum” Bright, chairman of Texas A&M Board of Regents: A quick Supreme Court ruling that outlaws sexually integrated college bands, places severe limits on the number of uppity females who can attend a particular college and generally repeals the 20th century.

For Danny White (from Gary Hoge-boom): An unprecedented trade sending White to the Washington Redskins for their entire offensive line.

For Gary Hogeboom (from Danny White): A $1 million endorsement package with Black & Decker chain saws, and a littie accident during the first shoot.

For Zig Ziglar, evangelist: A quick Supreme Court ruling that outlaws so-called “academic freedom” at denominational colleges and allows the public flogging of smart-aleck modernist professors at Baylor.

For Jim Hart, councilman: A return to the good ol’ days when men were men and crooks were varmints to be shot down or strung up outside City Hall, and a lifetime membership in the National Rifle Association.

For Terry Murphy, publisher of D. Diversification into a host of new magazines, including Di, for the British market; Dio, aimed at Mid-Cities Greeks; and Dee, which will take a hands-on approach to the problems of the Dallas judiciary.