LEISURE PLASTIC BEACH

IT’S ENOUGH to make you drop your prejudice against cutesy names that use “’n” as a connective. I’m talking, of course, about Wet ’n Wild, the latest reason for conceding that Arlington is, indeed, Fun City, USA. With Six Flags, the born-again Texas Rangers and now Wet ’n Wild, not even Don Rickles can say a discouraging word about Arlington.

This is the summer of the water park, a new phenomenon on the Dallas entertainment scene. Probably only those who hate crowds and those allergic to water have yet to visit White Water (in Grand Prairie and in Garland) or Wet ’n Wild. Judging from the throngs, the water park may be the wave of the future. Everyone has been to one, so it taxes the brain to find something fresh to say. A few attempts:

The Rewards: These parks offer fun -and plenty of it. My own happy experience aside, it’s been a while since I’ve seen so many people having such a great time. Young and old seem to have similar reactions to shooting down a water slide at breakneck speed, then emerging from a cloud of spray to shake their heads like wet spaniels, laugh and head back for more. Even teen-agers, normally so blase\ can be heard babbling to each other about the Banzai Boggan or the Bermuda Triangle.

The Fate of the Lakes: “Let’s go to the lake,” we hear all summer long. “Man, I could live on this lake,” says your lake-happy friend, munching a burned hot dog somewhere inside a cloud of insects. Why go to the lake? Lakes are squishy, accident-packed places. You wade in murky, unchlorinated water while unknown things clutch at your feet. Squirrels and birds abound, but none of them are cooked. With the coming of the water parks, we see the triumph of hedonistic technology over nature’s messy ways. You’ve got water, sunshine, girls in bikinis and plenty of Astroturf and plastic to remind you that you are a civilized person, not some savage squatting by a fire. You can’t fish or ski at the water parks-not yet. But give them time. Meanwhile, drain the lakes and pass the suntan oil.

The Question of Music: But all is not rosy at the parks. On our visit to White Water in Garland, the park was suffering from the same creeping anarchy that is the very spirit of our age. Picture the hapless sun worshipper, drifting in and out of consciousness, musing on those creative fantasies that are made so much more pleasant by the fact that, since he is far from home and simmering in suntan oil, he can hardly be expected to get up and do anything about his fine new plans. Suddenly, his peace is shattered. To his right, one ruffian fiicks on a ghetto blaster (suburb blaster?) the size of a small condo. The shrieks of funky chickens scratch at the air. To the left, another airhead joins the fray, his radio tuned to a heavy-metal station. Somewhere down the row of sundrenched bodies, someone pops a Beach Boys tape into his machine. The resulting chaos sounds something like this:

ooohbabybabyRhondalcouldhave touchmerockdowntqwalkdownto don’tturnaroundohnosinceyou…

You get the picture. The decline of the West. At Wet ’n Wild-whether by policy or by accident -the music situation is far more encouraging. There, a loudspeaker pours forth like a cornucopia with its wealth of Sixties and Seventies rock; the sound system offers surprising clarity and balance and is free of distortion. You gotta love a place that plays gems like the Rascals’ Lonely Too Long, Clapton’s Layla and the epoch-making long version of the Doors’ Light My Fire. Ignore an occasional clunker like Norman Green-baum’s sappy Spirit in the Sky.

The Solar Narcissist: To paraphrase the philosopher Clint Eastwood, there are two kinds of people in the water-park world: those with good tans and those without. Suffice it to say that any modern American would kill at least one relative for a deep mahogany tan. Consequently, the water parks are swimming with bronzed gods and goddesses, which probably has you thinking, “Well, I’m not an albino, but people do stare. With my ghostly pallor, like unto the belly of a fish, should I go to a water park?” Yes, you should. Regardless of your place on the tanning spectrum, you’ll find at least one pathetic creature a whiter shade of pale. Count on it. These parks draw so many people that the psychic pecking order is infinite.

Some Statistics: Wet ’n Wild’s Kamikaze water slide is perhaps the most popular of the park’s attractions. After your climb, you’re more than 60 feet above the ground. Before beginning that 300-foot streak down, you can glimpse Arlington Stadium across the highway, maybe see Mickey Rivers complaining or Jon Mat-lack clowning in the outfield. (By the way, you are safe ’way up there. Wet ’n Wild informs us that the Kamikaze packs 117 tons of steel in its skeletal structure, all secured by concrete piers sunk 25 feet into the ground.)

For those of more tranquil dispositions, Wet ’n Wild offers one of the most innovative, revolutionary water rides imaginable: the Lazy River. As the name implies, the Lazy River stands for everything our century despises: indolence, inefficiency and, above all, slowness. You slip into the water on a float, or perhaps a few intimate friends join you on a giant inner tube. You can’t hurry; the slow current orchestrates your movements at a lulling two miles per hour. The whole trip takes about 15 minutes, time enough to recall those delicious scenes of sheer laziness in Huckleberry Finn. The entire transportation industry should take note.

The Menace of Commercialism: It’s probably naive to complain about the many-tentacled intrusion of commercials into our lives. Half of us gladly wear T-shirts advertising this or that, so we shouldn’t be too dismayed to find whole sections of Wet ’n Wild named after products. There’s Be A Pepper Park for the little kids; Pepsi Pavilion; and the Panama Jack Suntan Lagoon. Of course, Panama Jack suntan products are available at the park’s gift shop. So goes the Republic.

The Interview: Obviously, one adult curmudgeon cannot offer the final word on the water park craze. In this exclusive interview, two Genuine Kids, ages 11 and 12, present their views. Let’s listen.

Q. How did you like the slides? And how many slides are there, by the way?

Child One: Oh, there’s one…two… three…four.. .five…

Q. And which one did you like the best?

Child One: … six… seven… eight…

Q. And which one did you like best?

Child One: I don’t know. They’re all great. They’re divided up, see.

Q. What about the Atlantic Panic?

Child One: If Jason hadn’t messed me up and I didn’t run into him, I…

Child Two: The problem was that you have to get a good start at the very beginning or you don’t go fast.

Q. Did you do everything at the parks?

Child Two: No, we got kicked out of Be a Pepper Park four times. We told them we were looking for our little brother. They have little water guns on the side and you can shoot down planes. They’re going “Mommy! Mommy!” (Ed. note: the children, not the planes.)

Q. Did you like the Raging Rapids?

Child One: Yeah. You get in a raft and float around a little bit. Then you go down to this other pool and in the middle it’s got a little split thing, like a big cement thing, and if you don’t keep balanced right whenever you hit one, you’ll tump over.

Child Two: I didn’t tump over once.

Q. Was it worth the money?

Child Two: Yeah! You can stay from when they open to when they close. It’s great. The Wave Pool is neat, too. The waves start up about every 15 minutes and then they stop for 15 minutes.

Q. Anything else?

Child One: You don’t have to rent your inner tubes. If somebody doesn’t have a tube, you run over and get one. But you can’t take it home. You just use it for out there. It’s generally a fun place.